Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Infamous' (2022) by Andrew Schulz on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Andrew Schulz

Infamous

And now, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. It's time! Fighting out of New York City. He is the reigning, defending, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. The one, the only, the infamous Andrew Schoen! What's up, people? One million, two million, three million, four. That's how you start a fucking show, right there, boy. All right, let's see what we're working with. What's up, y'all?
Is that yours right there, bro? Latina? Okay. You got to be careful with her. You on birth control? Maybe, maybe not. Now, you need certified yes from them, okay? Don't fuck with that pull-out method with Latinas. You come on a Latin girl's stomach, her belly button just opens up and takes that shit in, dog. Like fucking hungry, hungry hippos in there, dog. You got to come on her back. That's why they call them wetbacks.
Now, guys, guys. Everybody. Everybody. We're just getting started, guys. We're just getting started, okay? What's up, white boys? How was Storm in the Capitol? Good? You know they were there early, too, huh? Day early, just tailgating his shit. I'm not gonna lie, y'all. I miss Trump, man. I miss Trump, man. Not like that. Calm down, QAnon. Fucking... It's a comedy special, not a Cracker Barrel. Relax, lady.
Fucking... I'm not talking about the politics, okay? But the entertainment? Was that you, Indian girl? Oh, shit. I was about to say. You're putting Anon in QAnon for sure, right there. Can we just be honest? It was entertaining as fuck. Right? Like, for four years, he had our group chats on fire. It was unbelievable. You don't miss those texts, like, in the middle of the night from your boy, like, "Yo, turn on the news.
He's making fun of crippled people." You're like, "There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. He's the President of the United States of America. It's not me watching Breaking Bad. There's no way. He's making fun of crippled people." You turn on the news. Full T-Rex, dawg. Cocked his shit. Dropped it. Beaten his chest like Matthew McConaughey, bro. It was every week. You remember that shit? "Yo, turn on the news.
He's shooting paper towels in Puerto Ricans." He's like, "There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. This is impossible." Okay, they just had a hurricane. They're sitting in four feet of water. There's no way he went down there and shot the paper towels at these poor Puerto Ricans. You turn on the news. Jab, step, fade away! I don't care what your politics is, but it was an unbelievable time.
Can we agree on that? It was an unbelievable time. And now we got Biden and... What a fucking snooze fest this guy is, dude. Just... He's boring. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's fucking boring. Okay? Be honest. Is there anybody here who loves Joe Biden? We have any Taliban in here? Is there anybody? You're a Taliban? Go home, bro. You're free. You got your country back. You're not really Taliban.
You're just Afghani. You're from Pakistan. That's not even the same shit, you racist motherfucker. And who's this black dude cosigning everything you're doing? What the fuck is going on up there? Wait a minute. Are you black or are you where he's from? You're from Somalia? Hey! You changed up once you got over here. That's a fact. Pakistan that's not even the same shit you racist motherfucker and who's this black dude cosigning everything you're doing what the fuck is going on up there wait are you black are you where he's from you're from Somalia hey you changed up once you got over here that's a fact you got them braces you are not the captain now you fuck it mother fucker was captain crunch did you see the teeth in that fucker's face I'm just saying he's fucking boring like be honest with me right now do any of you love Joe Biden no Biden ain't got no merch that's how I judge presidents now bro can you move merch or can you not cuz Trump had merch bro that MAGA hat was iconic but that was white people's tear drop tattoo that's what that was you saw a white dude with the hat you were he don't give a fuck in public dog in public the hat is the last thing you put on your body before you leave the house it's so easy not to wear it but some people look at that hat like how difficult do I want my day to be fuck it I choose violence today I used to love seeing that hat in the wild bro because I'm from New York nobody ever has a hat you never see a MAGA hat in New York so when I'm on the road I'm just waiting for it because the energy around the hat was amazing right because the people that wear the MAGA hat I don't know if you noticed this but they're always in the best mood smiling ear to ear just cheesed up because the hat does all the shit talk right they're just walking around like hey Hector how you doing but the hat's like we're building a fucking wall Hector we're building a fucking wall bro MAGA make amigos go away Hector you know what this is I remember the first time I saw a MAGA hat confrontation these are the best I'm talking about in real life I'm not talking about on Twitter I'm talking about real life MAGA hat confrontation I was in Minneapolis Minnesota and I saw okay uh I'm in Minneapolis Minnesota actually you know I'm lying I was actually in East Saint Paul but nobody knows what that is so I said Minneapolis but I had to be honest with you right now even though there's a fucking special taping now we got to edit around the whole goddamn thing fucking leave it in leave it in this piece of shit in the balcony I had to say yeah in Minnesota and I can't lie to you people okay I was in fucking New Brunswick New Jersey no I'm in Minneapolis Minnesota okay and I'm out of Baskin Robbins okay and I saw a dude wearing a MAGA hat and uh the fun thing about it was uh he wasn't ordering ice cream he was working at Baskin Robbins okay and he wasn't a GM he wasn't Baskin he wasn't Robbins he's just a regular minimum wage employee serving up ice cream MAGA bro just staring at people vanilla only today just ain't gonna be no rainbow no chocolate nothing just pure Christian vanilla ice cream the way God intended so I'm staring at him I'm like yeah this is going down this is the guy something's gonna happen right all of a sudden this couple walks into the Baskin Robbins and the couple is wearing matching Vikings outfits head to toe Vikings okay it's July it's not even preseason these are bonafide lunatics these people just walking around town full Vikings outfits right the couple walks in the girl in the Viking couple starts to get a little upset when she sees the MAGA hat I don't know what she's saying but I know it's white woman rage I know what it is I got a white fiancee I know about this stuff okay there's a problem that has nothing to do with me I need to solve it right it's just you're offended I'm bored let's do something about it I need to stand up for my black friends I don't have no so all of a sudden the girl Viking breaks away from her boyfriend beelines it for the MAGA hat dude walks right up to him and goes how the could you wear that hat immediately I'm like he's shooting this bitch this is dead this is dead she don't even know it that second amendment she is dead I got my phone out landscape I'm ready I'm ready you think I'm missing this you think I'm missing this I zoomed out 0.5 I zoomed out 0.5 some of y'all got android phones you too poor to even understand what that is okay get a real phone like an adult all right stop up the group chat with your green text we don't appreciate whatsapp we don't care about your little third world group chats okay what you discussing over there they build a well in your hometown what's happening I'm fucking ready to go I'm so wide I'm gonna get the bullet leaving the gun and entering her forehead I'm posting it I'm viral it's over it's a wrap this chick keeps on laying in on this dude just screaming at you know what those hats stand for for the disrespect of women do you know what those hats stand for for the mistreatment of women do you know what those hats stand for for the abuse of women and I'm just looking at this chick like you're wearing a viking outfit I don't know if you're familiar with viking history but they were the first grab them by the pussy people I mean literally all they did for thousands of years is just sail around the world grabbing pussies and we're so crazy we named a football team after them we would never have a team called the Colorado Cosbys you know that's I'm not gonna lie that'd be a fun game to announce though looks like another come from behind victory for the Cosbys this weekend it's like every time they catch them sleeping Jim do you notice this just keep catching them sleeping it's good to see them spiking end zones not cocktails though I will say that's an improvement for the Cosbys so I'm looking at this viking twat and I'm just like I should be hating her okay but I'm actually so jealous because I'm like I wish I could walk around that oblivious to what a complete hypocrite I am I know I'm a hypocrite I gotta deal with that shit every day that's taxing Michael Jackson comes on and I gotta settle that debt I love the music but he touches toddlers right like we know he does it wait a minute do some of y'all think how many of y'all think Michael Jackson did not touch those kids be honest I'd rather you be honest we got another one okay okay I wish I wish I could be you every time Mike comes on you get to listen to King of Pop while I'm listening to the King of Pop and Cherries you know how lucky you are you know how lucky you are you get to do that I have to be honest with my feelings okay here's the reality okay I feel like Michael Jackson touched those kids but I also feel like he didn't touch enough kids for me to stop listening to his music I do feel that way I do feel that way I'm not proud of that but that is the way I feel okay you could probably feed him 10 12 more and I'm gonna keep listening to that shit every single time it comes on do you remember no I don't not at all keep on going Mike do your fucking thing okay I know I'm wrong to have these feelings by the way I've tried to change these feelings okay I watched that documentary about them snitching ass kids I watched it I did watch it I watched it okay I'm starting with the man in the mirror all right I'm trying to change his ways I watched them I watched them crying the whole documentary I was molested by my hero you lucky son of a bitch your hero that's a best case scenario molest is it not most people getting diddle by their bus driver not their hero you're a hero my hero growing up was Michael Jordan if Michael Jordan molested me I could walk it off probably in the freshest Jordans you ever seen in your life hey bro where you get them shits man you too old for these dog don't even worry about they only got these in youth sizes homie but I said to myself I'm watching this documentary up until I find out what Mike did to those kids because once I find out what he did to the kids that's it I can't like him anymore I can't even listen to music anymore once I find out what he did to the kids and then I will move on I'm done like I got to the point and basically they said did Michael Jackson lick their assholes and what I found out about me is that's not enough a licked asshole that's cleaning can we be honest here that right there you got your ass cleaned by michael jackson that's a billy jean bidet you ungrateful bastard you got your asshole licked by the greatest asshole licker in history michael jackson literally shaved down his nose so he could get deeper in those boys ass do you remember MJ by the time he died he looked like voldemort okay just flat face with three holes in it like a bowling ball just headbanging boy booties i'm just saying we have to put things in perspective a licked asshole from your hero if michael jordan if michael jeffrey jordan took that glorious tongue of his you know the tongue if he took that tongue and attacked my rim the way he attacked rims in the le