Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Faces and Sounds' (2016) by Pete Holmes on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Fear, Everybody Sleeps, Asshole Brain, Flute Cabbie, and Lenny Kravitz.

Pete Holmes

Faces and Sounds

Sometimes I get scared. Is that a relatable premise? Sometimes I'm frightened. Like recently I was at a bar and I ordered over somebody. I didn't mean to, but there was a smaller man in front of me. You know, like 5'1". And I ordered over him like a rainbow order. I didn't mean to. I promise I wasn't trying to be a badass. I was like, white wine, please! Whatever's fresh! Pinot? Pinot? Yeah, Griege, not New Hour?
And it must have already happened to that guy earlier that night. Because he went from zero to furious just like that. He spun on his tiny heels. He was just like, you motherfuckers! I've been standing in front of you! And I got afraid. And when you get afraid, the human body has no good ideas. It's all evolution. It's all fight or flight. So the first thing normally when you're afraid is it makes your shoulders go up.
That's its brilliant idea. Have you ever noticed when you're afraid, you're like, ahhh! That's your brain going, protect the neck! Don't let it get the neck! We keep everything in the neck. So your shoulders go up. And then oftentimes you'll cross your arms too, because these are your loins. Well, no, these aren't, loincloth is down. These aren't your loins. This is your stomach. These are your, just learning together in a safe space.
This is your stomach. But you have to protect your stomach too, because if a lion swipes you on your stomach, that's a kill stroke. You'll watch your intestine just unravel like eight millimeter film, just like, oh, I'm about to pass. So you have to cross your arms and the shoulders go up. This is a scared pose, you know? Like stand-up is scary. That's why you see a lot of stand-ups up here being like, so Triscuits are coming out in new flavors.
Sour cream and onion, how about your sour cream, huh? What the fuck else is going on? That's because we think you're going to lunge at us somewhere in our lizard minds. But whenever I get afraid of a human being, I always remember one simple thing that you can use as well, which is that everybody sleeps. You're welcome. If you are afraid of a person, just remind yourself, they sleep, they sleep. This guy's yelling at me, I got afraid.
I just remembered, in five hours, this same scary man was going to be like, flipping the pillow to the cool side. Oh, I need it. That's not scary. That is the opposite of scary. What is sleep, though? Seriously, what is it? I know we all do it, but I think it's just another assumption that we all take for granted. We're just like, all right, with your roommate, it's midnight. I'm going to go in my room.
I'm just going to lay down. I'm going to close my eyes. I'm going to remain. So if you need me, I'll be in there remaining. But what is it? Explain sleep to an alien that doesn't sleep. I couldn't do it. I could explain food. I could be like, I need energy, so I eat an apple, so I can use the energy that's in the apple. He'd be like, okay. Anything else? Yeah. At night? Regardless of how much energy I've consumed, I just have to shut it down.
I shut it down for like eight, nine, sometimes 12 hours. Sounds boring. I'm like, no, my brain plays movies that I'm in. Sometimes they're scary. Sometimes they're scary. What is a nightmare? I just have a bunch of questions for you guys. What is a nightmare? Let's figure this out. What is a nightmare? A nightmare is you scaring you. It's hot, you-on-you action. What the fuck? I had a dream the other night, a nightmare.
I was walking down a hallway. I made the hallway. I saw a box. I made the box. I thought, hey, what's in that box? Didn't know. Opened it. It was overflowing with cobras. And they attacked me. I made the box. I made the cobras. I asked. I said, what's in the box? Brad Pitt style. What's in the box? But your brain is a fucking asshole. And it was like, no, no, no. Don't tell him. I want to see what he does.
He? What he? Us. You want to see what us does? Because your brain is an asshole. Yeah, I said it. Your brain is an asshole. It doesn't love you all the time. Think about it. Your brain could make you happy all of the time for no reason whatsoever. Any moment it wants to. It has all the ingredients. Dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins. It's all up there. Your brain is just a withholding piece of shit.
It has the good stuff sequestered in the corner. Like, you want to feel good? Yeah? You want to feel real nice? Go for a jog. Fuck you! Give me the goods because I'm the commander-in-chief. That's an order. But it won't. Because your brain is a dick. But I'm a silly, silly fun boy, right? And one of the reasons is I've recalibrated my brain to reward me for the things I am doing, not the things I could be doing.
And that's what I think you should do. That's one of the keys to happiness. Love yourself for what you are doing, not what you could be doing. Too many people. Yeah! Yeah! Too many people are going around waiting for something phenomenal. Like, I'll love me when I discover a new body of water. That's when Steve will love Steve. Like, we found him, Steve. We found all of them. What's that? That's Lake Michigan.
The search continues. Love yourself for what you are doing. That's what I do. Like, the other night, I was sleeping, and I discovered a new sleeping position. I wasn't planning on this. I was just improvising. And I discovered a new one. On the stomach four. Woo! Woo! That'll put you deep on the stomach four. And I knew I had done something by my own standards. So I woke myself up from a deep sleep to lift my head off the pillow and go, Mm, you're killing it.
And went back to bed. Endorphins, endorphins, endorphins, endorphins. Woo! Woo! no this is a new year for me man i have some i have some life goals this year one i would like to get to a point in my own personal confidence where i can tell a cab driver not to text while he's driving me sounds like a joke no joke i can't do it i just want him to like me i'm just like multitasking cool calling an uber to race me you got to do something way worse for me to speak up this actually happened i was in a cab just a regular cab in new york city on the highway we're going about 60 miles an hour driver starts driving with his knees so i perk up something is about to happen and then he leans over to the passenger seat opens a case of some sort takes out a flute are you listening takes out a flute and not to just admire the flute like ah that's my flutes he took out a flute a two-handed wind instrument and started playing the flutes just like and i get it it's hard to find practice time i understand but maybe wait till you hit a red light before you bang out those scales and keep the fingers loose okay so this happened on earth in a car filled with oxygen we were both alive and i had to lean forward and i said sir i can't believe i have to say this but could you please not play the flute just while we're driving and this is the part that makes this a story is he acted like i was crazy he's like what what's your brand what's your brand what's your brand i was like admit it i caught you i caught you flute handed even if you're alone if you're playing the flute driving you're like this is pretty up just say you're sorry the giveaway was the flute music i'm sitting in the back like that sounds live another goal for this year this is the year that i would like to understand the trumpet i don't want to play it i just want to get it listen to me now three buttons excuse me three buttons and it plays all the notes fuck's going on i want answers sometimes they're pushing two sometimes they're pushing none that doesn't add up to 12 i checked i like a more straightforward brass instrument like saxophone he's got no secrets button a note baby sax looks you right in the eye when he shakes your hands oh my god chicago that joke never works i wish you could come on the road with me just to see me in other towns like three buttons and they're like talk about your dick You should be an easy laugh.
I'm an easy laugh. I am an easy laugh. I don't know why people always make fun of people that are easy laughs. They're like, look at that fucking idiot. Walking around chuckling and feeling joy and silliness. Through all of his days. What a fucking moron. Worse than that, people are proud of being hard laughs. Hard laughs. They go around like, yeah, I laughed at that movie. And I'm a hard laugh. It's hard to make me laugh.
I'm like, yeah, work on that. What are you, Nosferatu? Let some sunlight onto your goddamn soul. Like, no, I got barbed wire around my heart. Nothing gets in or out. You got to trick me to make my joy noise. I'm a comedian. I hope that's apparent. I'm a comedian. We're supposed to be jaded, cynical, angry people. I am an easy laugh. I work at it. I stretch the shit out every day. I'll give you an example.
All week, I've been laughing to myself just remembering that Lenny Kravitz... His name is Leonard Kravitz. That's it. No twists or turns on that one. Lenny Kravitz, the coolest man in the world. When he picks up a package, he goes, hi, Kravitz, Leonard, that is a dork name. That's a dork name. Don't let the red pants and the sweet solos fool you. That's a nerd name. That's the word nerd in it. Leonard!
The coolest man. The coolest man. I think joy is hiding everywhere. You just have to look for it. Like, I've told this story before, but whenever I fly, I fly in a t-shirt that I don't care about because I don't know why, but when I fly, I always get very sweaty. I get picked up. I got pit stains. I'm glistening. My friends are like, have you been jogging? I'm like, no. Just sitting still in the sky.
Do you have any Gatorade? So I always fly in a t-shirt that I don't care about. Now I've been given the shirt twice as a gift. It's a shirt that says, Dr. Seuss, green eggs and ham. Just looks like the cover of the book. Twice. From two different people on two different occasions. The first time I opened it up, I was like, oh, cool. But in my mind, I was like, fuck this shit. I get it. I'm like a childish man, but no.
Just no. Second time, a week later, another person who didn't know of the first person gave it to me. I unwrapped it. It was like God himself being like, put on the fucking shirt. This is how the world sees you. I gave you that goof, goof face. Wear the uniform. So I wear it, but I only wear it when I fly. Now here's the story. It's like 7 a.m. at LAX, Los Angeles Airport. I'm going through security.
I'm a little grumpy. People are typically grumpy when they're going through security at 7 a.m. Going through that machine that's killing us all. Taking naked avatar planet pictures of our dicks and our pusses. So I'm grumpy. And this is what put me in an unexpected good mood for about two years now. There was a TSA agent in my periphery. I couldn't fully see her. Who was this ambassador of joy? Who was this angel that saw me?
Because she put me in a good mood just by going like this. This is what I heard her say. She went, What you know about green eggs and ham? How can you be sad when that exists? That happened. Not in a comedy club. There was no drink minimum. There was no cover. Just a woman killing it in the wild. What you know about green eggs and ham? And I forgot I was wearing the shirt. I thought it was a security question.
I'm like, Who are green eggs? What is ham? I don't know. Al-Qaeda! That always makes me happy. I want that in my wedding vows. I want to be like, To have and to hold. And what you know about green eggs and ham? And if she doesn't laugh, she's not the one. I'm going to do a 360 and walk out. That's right. Through her. Don't math check my jokes. Don't math check my jokes. I will T-1000 all the way through her.
The suit was liquid metal as well. That is joy. You have this for the rest of your life. Keep it in a pill behind your molars if you ever need it. Like if it's the holiday season and you're looking for parking at a Target for like 45 minutes because you volunteered to get ice because you needed a break from yo