Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Big Jay Oakerson: Live at Webster Hall' (2016) by Big Jay Oakerson on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Big Jay Oakerson

Big Jay Oakerson: Live at Webster Hall

Hey, hey, hey, let's go. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Good for you You didn't do it, dude Good for you Kids, the whole thing you want, right? Don't do that I did that 13 years ago It is quite a price For some sweet, sweet pussy, dude That is quite a price What kind of kids do you want? Boys, girls, you don't give a shit As long as they're healthy, right?
Lies You want a boy so bad I only have a girl and I want a boy I don't even want any more kids I just wish she was a boy I tell her that every day Not with words, with actions I peg her in the chest with a football When she's rolling around on the ground I'm like, if you were a dude You'd have caught that I step over like Iverson in the finals Get up You just got faced I have a daughter It's cool, I guess To some degree She plays sports, but She plays soccer Yeah, really?
Woo? 13-year-old girl's soccer, dude Do you know how boring 13-year-old girl's soccer is? The same exact boring As adult men's professional soccer Extraordinarily Three hours for 0-0 scores But you gotta support I show up for the last five minutes Of the game And I run up And I'm like Alright, I'm here Don't be a whore You don't have to blow everybody I'm here, I love you I'm not Shouldn't feel abandoned You know Maybe some money I'll help you with your homework Just please Don't Don't blow everybody But God, I can't watch this whole game The life And the world Would be an easier place If she was a boy, man Girls make Father's lives Very difficult With things They don't even know They don't even realize They're making it difficult Laundry Can't do laundry anymore With my daughter's stuff in It's just uncomfortable Looking how I look In folding little girl underwear Does not appear As if I'm doing a good deed It looks like I'm like Organizing the trophies From all my victims I remember her Pigtails Central Park Sometimes it's the first time I hear it too I stopped when she was 11 She's 13 now When she was 11 I stopped doing laundry With her shit Because the last time I was folding her laundry I'm folding her underwear Already weird I start noticing These huge holes In her underwear Which sucks Because I gotta find out Why that is I'm her father I can't let that go I have to ask I have to ask And I know the answer Is not gonna be good She's not gonna tell me Some awesome answer For why there's holes In her underwear Like oh dad I forgot to tell you I invented sharp farts Like yeah Show me We can share everything now Take me into your world And that was gonna be good That was not the answer That was not the answer By the way Sharp farts I wish You know why there was Huge holes in her underwear She was 11 at the time She goes to the bathroom By herself Guess sometimes She doesn't wipe that great A little shit stain In her underwear But instead of throwing Your underwear out She cuts the shit stain Out with scissors Because she's embarrassed Of a shit stain But not embarrassed To walk around And cross those panties All day And For weeks In the garbage I've been seeing Little shit covered Hannah Montana faces And shitty tinkerbells And I just thought She was doing voodoo Or something Which I was intrigued by I don't know What kids are gonna Become anymore anyway We're only making A generation of assholes They don't wanna be Anything important anymore Kids With the YouTube generation Everybody wants to be famous My daughter's lazy All kids are lazy now They just wanna be famous quick My daughter doesn't wanna Be a doctor Or a lawyer She wants to be Rihanna And granted She can take a punch But Talent That does not make No Don't applaud her It's my good jaw genetics We're a scrappy jawline family Is this your chick?
You wish though Right dude? How hot is that chick? With your nervous energy It's never gonna happen I like to foster love But that just looks uncomfortable I don't know Do try to make a move You know her right? She's your buddy That sucks How old are you sweetie? 18 18 That's You're dumb What do you mean This guy's your friend? This guy's creepily Hanging out Waiting for you to make A 19 year old dumb decision You think he's your friend You believe that In your heart of hearts That he's your friend Yes So if you were like Hey we should totally fuck He'd be like No way bud What are you talking about Bro skiff I don't even look at it like that Home slice He'd say yes I would say all of those things Yeah but he's like Is that a friend honestly?
If he would fuck Then I have no male friends Yeah you have no male friends Exactly right You said it I have young girls argue that all the time A lot of guy girl roommates in this city Not fucking Just living together as friend roommates That's insanity to me That is ass-nine To live with a girl You're not fucking Fellas if you do that And I mean this Harsh sentence here But hear me out Fellas if you live with a girl You're not fucking You have no respect for women You have no respect for them You don't know what you're capable of Men we're garbage And you gotta know What you're capable of Listen When men have our When our balls are full This is a hackneyed subject at this point But it's just the facts of life When our balls are full We are a different human being Than when our balls are empty Does that make sense at all?
So the girl you live with Has to be a girl you're fucking Or else you're gonna Weird stuff's gonna happen When our balls get full We're not the same person As when they're empty When our balls are empty That's the more the person That our parents made When my balls are empty Is when I'm doing everything good in life I pay my bills I shoot hoops I say hi to friends I high five a lot of people When your balls are full That's why guys like jerk off so much You just gotta like change that State of mind And get back into the world Functioning empty bald again And when our balls are full We'll do fucked up shit And live with a girl Who's just your friend Like you're gonna fuck That friendship up I know you will I would If I had a girl roommate Who I wasn't fucking Two seconds I'd ruin that First time she's like Hey I'm going to my parents house For the weekend Twenty minutes after she leaves I'm gonna go smell All of her panties Then Then I'm gonna rub her vibrators On my face While I jerk off with a fist Wrapped in her dirty underwear Yeah It's horrible And don't even waste your time Judging me on that For a few reasons One I've never done that I'm just telling you That's what I would do And two There's no reason to judge it Because I would judge myself Do you get it?
That's the whole Full balls empty balls thing The juxtaposition Right? As soon as I was done Jerking off in her room I'd be like Oh my god What the fuck have I just done? This is my friend's end table What am I doing? My buddy She trusted me And I ruined it And I would clean up meticulous And I would try to stack The dildos back The way I found them Like oh my god I should have took a picture I would turn off The light switch With a tissue And I would step out On my own footprints And I would be appalled At myself Judging myself For you I'm like How can you do that To your friend?
She trusted you Around her stuff And she's gone And you ruined it man You spoiled the sanctity Of your friendship Well you know what? She's gone the rest Of the weekend No big deal I cleaned up It's over Never again Lesson learned And 30 minutes later And I'll be right back In that room Rubbing dildos On my face Just shaking my head In the mirror Like do I know me Or do I know me? And I'll clean up Meticulous after that time And I'll leave the room again And every time I'll leave that room Believing that I'm never Going back in that room again I'll believe it When I say it But I'll be jerking off In that room Every half hour On the half hour Until moments Before she comes home It'll be a race For the clock And our balls win We are not to be trusted We're not your friends Friendship doesn't have That kind of sexual tension Real friendship Does not have that My best friend's name Is Dave If Dave called me At 2am And was like Dude let me come by And suck your dick I'd be like I'm gonna have to say No Dave Because we're friends That friendship's real man That friendship means Something to me That's real I know it's real Because if me and Dave Weren't friends I'd be like Yeah dude Come over here I'm a liberal dude He's a good enough Looking guy With soft lips I bet he sucks A mean dick But then what happens What happens then Dave's sucking my dick He probably gets a boner I can't let my boy Go home with a boner Now I have to suck his dick Now we're sucking Each other's dicks And we're not even gay We're not gay We're not gay man We're not gonna do that For long before we're like Dude what are we doing man What are we doing here Let's stop wasting time And start plowing some ass So I I'm gonna have to let him Fuck me first Because I'm the fat chick In this story So I'm gonna have to Lay back With my ankles in the air Knees akimbo While Dave takes these Long rhythmic pounds Into my shitter Sweetie These long rhythmic pounds Into my shitter I thought I lost you For a second But I'm bigger than Dave So eventually I'm gonna wanna dominate him I'm gonna flip Dave over I'm gonna start tagging him In his knuckly ass And then Pull out Shoot a couple ropes Of friendship Across his butt cheeks And then Collapse my Tits sweat covered chest Across his Spiny and rib cagey back I know Sounds like a great night Sounds fantastic But I can't cross that line Because we're friends Real friends Right I gotta think about tomorrow When I wanna hang out And play video games With my friend Dave But I can't even look him in the eye Because I'm still picking his butt hairs Out of my pee hole Not worth it Hey look You don't have to laugh at that I'm happy he even sat through it Honestly That Is a really tough one To get through Yeah I appreciate it I appreciate you guys Not walking out on that one That is tough to hear Front to back You know who really hates Hearing that joke My friend Dave It's his least favorite Of all my jokes Man that is very vivid I'm like right Just came to me too I didn't even write it down Or nothing My favorite Asian guy How you hanging in there Good to go You wanna hook up With this 18 year old chick This guy ain't doing shit In the middle What?
She's too young How old are you? 34 Is that too old for you? Yeah Yeah Alright her dad's still alive Big deal What kind of girls Do you like dude? Any You have no choice What's that really? Asian girls? Never got an Asian girl Yeah How about like Black chicks? Never Just all white girls No shit Good for you man How many white girls Do you ever have banged an Asian dude? Isn't that crazy? One Just one back there And why?
Because he wrote a term paper For you or something? Did he teach you some dark arts Afterwards or something? What was it? You just did? Two? At the same time? Yeah You're trying to get one Normal length of dick Inside of you right? Just laugh at it Fucking I hate when crowds get Whimpery during comedy You should never get like that Never do anything But just laugh If it ain't funny Don't laugh But if it's funny Laugh But all that like Such a waste of time Letting words affect you At all like that Is a waste of time I've had so many situations Where if people Would just laugh And get over themselves It would be such a better time And also I give you this As a lesson for life If you want to take lessons From a guy who wears A wallet chain still Take my advice Please If you can learn To not let words Affect you In a way that makes you Like cringe up And ooh And ah It is so liberating in life You will never lose An argument Ever Because if you have no fear Of what's coming your way You can say whatever You want to people Horrible Terrible things And words do hurt Most people And it's fun to watch them Just c