Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'My Girlfriend's Boyfriend' (2013) by Mike Birbiglia on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Strong, Independent Woman and What's He Doing Here?.

Mike Birbiglia

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend

I've been going recently to a women's exercise class. I've given up on having a traditional male physique, and so now I'm going for strong, independent woman. And it's going pretty well. You know, I'm not as good in the class as you might think. Sometimes I'll kind of skip whole sections of the more difficult exercises when the instructor isn't looking. But then when she looks over, I always have to strike a pose as though I've been doing what everybody else has been doing.
It reminds me of the Olympics. You know how in the gymnastics, how the girls will do those crazy flips and twirls, and every once in a while, and I'm not saying I root for this to happen, but sometimes they'll fall, and it's ugly because they're rolling around like, I'm in a lot of trouble. I don't even know how I got here. But at the end of that, no matter what, they do the stick-the-landing pose.
And I totally fall for it. I'm like, that can't possibly be the same loser from moments ago. I mean, that's a completely different person. This person has much better posture, for starters. I really wanted Jenny to come out with me and Andy that night in St. Louis because we were going out to one of these famous Irish pubs where no one can hear anyone speak, and so I thought that might work to my advantage.
I don't know. And I didn't have the nerve to ask her myself, and so I convinced Andy to ask her for us, which, yeah, I don't know if that was the best idea because we're heading, we're in the car heading to the pub, and Jenny says, oh, I left my ID at the hotel, and I was like, oh, we can just swing back and get it. And she was like, no, it'll be fine. I was like, no, it won't be fine because it's St.
Patrick's Day, and there's bouncers. And she goes, no, it'll be okay. And I was like, no, it won't be okay. And then we get to the pub, and it was fine. And, like, the bouncers just kind of waved her through, which has not been my experience with bouncers. For me, bouncers are, like, prison guards, and for Jenny, they're, like, birthday clowns. Like, you know, what can I do to make your day better?
You know, and that's... We're at the pub, and it had taken so much convincing for Andy to get Jenny to come out that by the time she came out, she thought she was on a date with him. And, yeah, that wasn't the idea. And so I said I had to convince him to fall away as the night went on, like, the red rockets and the space shuttle. And eventually she realized she was on a date with me, and she was not happy about that.
But she warmed me as the night went on because she was drinking, and then, like... You know, by the end of the night, we were laughing and having a good time, and I caught a break, which is we shared a ride back to our hotel with one of their friends, and she and I were stuffed in this little back seat together. It was really quiet, so I could hear her soft voice, and she told me she had just come off a long, difficult breakup, and I told her about my breakup.
And for a moment there in the back seat, it felt like we were holding up two halves of a broken paper heart. And we get back to the hotel, and I offer to walk her to her room, and she says, sure. And we get to her door, and I didn't want this night to end, and so I build up the courage to lean in to kiss her. And she says, oh, no, thank you. Which I thought was polite. But disappointing. I mean, there's something about a rejected kiss that is the most personal type of rejection, because you're really putting yourself out there.
You're just like, I think we should connect mouths, you know? And the other person's like, I do not think we should connect mouths. And those are... They're two very different mouth agendas, you know? And then you just feel so stupid. You're like, I never should have suggested we connect mouths, you know? So, 10 months into my relationship with Jenny, she invites me to meet her parents. And this is a tricky time.
At this point, our relationship was intense but casual, which is a dangerous relationship cocktail. And it was a hard thing to organize because I was away probably five days out of the week. And so we found a Sunday where I was coming back from a five-day stint in Texas, which was awful because it was in Texas. And that's not to say I disliked Texas entirely. It's such a large thing to dislike. But that week, it felt like Texas just disliked me.
And I just kind of disliked Texas back to the point where I developed a small drinking problem, which is very popular in Texas. I was performing at a comedy club. And I love comedy clubs, but they're sort of a high-low entertainment proposition. Like, in some ways, they're the last bastions of free speech and the art of spoken word. And then some of them sell dildo straws, you know? Like, there's 15 bachelorette parties coming through on the weekends.
And they're handing out gummy penises or whatever. That's actually a thing. I didn't even realize that that was part of the female fantasy of the penis was the gummy quality of the penis. I feel like if I were in charge of the candification of the penis, it'd be hard candy. And then if you suck it down to the gummy part, then you just sort of put that off to the side. But that's not my job. I'm, you know, I leave that to the experts.
But I just do the comedy part. But I was performing at this club all week. And after the late show Saturday night, I was approached by this bachelorette party that had one of these sort of novelty sexual checklist things. And I'd been drinking all week. And I always try and be a team player, you know? So I was like, whatever I can do to help, I don't see how this could end badly. But the next morning I wake up in my hotel room and I'm hungover and I'm groggy and I roll out of bed.
And I run to the airport to catch my flight. I'm still two hours early. And I land in New York and I get a cab to Jenny's parents' house. And I walk in the front door. And there's Jenny. And there's her parents. And there's her other sort of ex-boyfriend, John. And he wasn't front and center. Like, he was just kind of around. Like, he was in the pool, like, waiting and doing laps. Like, that kind of thing.
But I pulled Jenny aside. I was like, well, what's John doing here? And she says, well, he and I aren't still together. But when we were together, he became friends with my stepdad. And he's been staying here at their house the last couple weeks. And I said, you know, that's not good. I feel like that gives him the edge. Jenny's staring at me. And I said, what? And she says, you have a hickey on your neck.
And I said, I don't think that's true. And I glanced at the mirror next to me and realized that, in fact, I do have a hickey on my neck. And I said, I'm really sorry. And she says, where is that from? And I said, there was this bachelorette party. And I was drunk. And that sentence never comes out right. I mean, there's no way to deliver that line in a way that makes you seem even okay. And we start arguing.
And the argument follows us all the way back to the street in front of my apartment. I didn't have a leg to stand on. I was like, well, what about John? What was he doing there? And she said, you have a hickey on your neck. And I said, yeah, but at least I told you the truth. And she said, eventually. And I said, eventually is better than never. And then she'd kneed me in the balls. I don't know if you've ever experienced this before.
I'm sure half of you have not. It's like being electrocuted, except you don't get to die. It's like you want to die, but you can't. And there's a person in your face saying, you deserve this, which they wouldn't even do in electrocutions. I think they would deem that as inhumane. Even in Texas. I ran up to the giant glass window. I started pounding on the window like in a romantic comedy. I was like, Drew Barrymore's character, come back.
She didn't come back. I missed my flight. I got in the next one. They could get me on. It was a stopover in Texas. You know, I feel about Texas. And I get to Los Angeles late that night. I'd missed my show. I'd never missed one of my shows before. I'm so angry. Jenny's calling me, but I'm not picking up the phone because I'm blaming this entire day on her. I get back to my friend Andy's house and I said, Andy, this relationship is messing up my entire life.
And Andy goes, you're right. I go, I know. I'm right. He goes, yeah, you're right. I go, I know. I'm right. I got to tell her about this in the morning. I drive out of Andy's small road and I'm T-boned. That's the culinary way of describing it. In one and a half seconds, I'm spun around. I think I'm dead. No, wait. I'm paralyzed. And then I hear nothing. Then I hear the other car skid out and drive away.
20 minutes later, I'm sitting on the curb. At this point, the police have arrived, as well as my friend Andy. And that's when I start crying. You know how when you drop a baby on the ground, it doesn't start crying right away because it doesn't understand the concept of dropping a baby on the ground until it sees and it's like, oh, I guess I should be doing something that matches that. It's like, oh, I guess I should be doing something that matches that.
I'm crying because I'm looking at my totaled car in front of me and realizing that in that moment, I might have ceased to exist. Like I said earlier, I don't really believe in anything. So in my mind, that would have been the end of all things I'd experienced in my life. Every kiss or failed kiss or scramble or ride would have come to a conclusion. And the officer comes over and he says, what happened?
And I said, I got hit by this car. And then I heard nothing. I heard the other car skid out and drive away. The officer points over to the light. The other car has made a right turn at the light and veered into this very skinny tree. I can't help but think, that's karma. That's a hit and run and hit. And then the officer puts this form in my face and he goes, sign this. And I said, well, what does it mean?
He goes, it means you're okay and that we can leave. I was really shaken up. I was like, I don't know if I'm okay. And he goes, just sign it. Which is a very unattractive quality. When someone just repeats a command that you've just said no to. And it's unattractive but very effective. You know, I signed it. Andy takes me to the hospital just as a precaution. But we have to wait two hours because the other driver had beat us there.
Eventually, we're with the doctor. And Andy says to him, he goes, well, was the other guy drunk? And the doctor says, well, I can't answer that. And Andy says, was he? He uses the technique we had learned earlier. And it works. You know, the doctor says, well, he's heading to jail now. And Andy and I flash each other a look like the Hardy Boys. Like case clothes. A few hours later, we're back at Andy's house.
It's probably around 3.30 in the morning. And I have one of these epiphanies people sometimes have when they have near-death experiences. And I say, I need to call Jenny and tell her that we need to get married. And Andy says, Mike, sleep on it. And I say, no, no, no, this makes perfect sense. And I pick up my phone. I dial her number. And he puts his hand over the phone. And he says, Mike, sleep on it.
He saves me. He saves me. He saves me. He saves me. He saves me. I met Jenny in St. Louis. My friend Annie and I were working for her company. They were performing for a bunch of wrestling coaches, which is really my demographic. No, I was very nervous about this. I was actually kind of about to go on stage, and I was, like, scrawling notes on my napkin. A lot of times I'll write kind of manic notes on napkins or hotel stationery, and Jenny looked at me, and she goes, what are you doing?
And I said, I'm writing my set list. And then she goes, I think it'll be fine. And I was, like, no, it won't be fine. And she was, like, I think it'll be okay. And I said, why do you think that? And she said, well, you look so