Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Famous Enough' (2022) by Cocoa Brown on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: What Happened to Courting?, Pandemic Roster, and Prepping for the Dickasian.

Cocoa Brown

Famous Enough

But I think the biggest thing that we have now is that, you know, people don't take relationships seriously anymore. People don't understand the relationships are work. You have to do maintenance on relationships. You have to treat a relationship like a car. You know what I'm saying? This is, you take a car in for maintenance to get your wheels rotated, your oil changed, your windshield wipers. You know what I'm saying?
You got to do that in relationships. Some of y'all sitting here right now, you've been riding around for three years with your check engine light on. In your relationship, and ain't got the nerd to get mad when that bitch blow up on the highway. You got to put work into that. You know what I'm saying? That's why I miss the old school, man. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I remember being courted. What happened to men courting you?
Men don't even know what the hell that is anymore, man. I asked a dude the other day, you're going to court me. He's like, I ain't got no cases. I'm like, you know what? And like men knew there was levels to this shit. You know what I'm saying? Dudes just didn't jump on, you know, and try to get the booty. Nowadays, these dudes meet you on Wednesday, screw you on Tuesday, ghost you on Wednesday. You know what I'm saying?
No, you got to just level sit. Back in the day, dudes knew it was levels, man. You'd meet a dude out, and he would actually approach you like a man, a gentleman. You know what I'm saying? Whoever you heifers out here getting mad at dudes opening your doors and pulling out your chairs, I hope your ass catch rickets. Because men don't know how to be gentlemen anymore because of your dumb ass. You know what I'm saying?
Because you don't know how to be a lady. You know what I'm saying? I remember dudes, man, they would talk to you, and they'd get your number, and they would actually call you. Remember that? Be on the phone until the wee hours of the night talking about you hang up, no, you hang up. You'd fall asleep. You'd sleep, uh, nah, uh. What you think about that new Keep Sweat album? That's cool. You know, like, now if a dude gets your number, all he do is text the fuck out of you.
Text you for six months thinking that's going to get him some ass. And can I just say for the record, men, some of y'all don't ever need to text again in life because your ass can't spell. I'm tired of having to get a dictionary and a glossary to figure out what the hell you said to me. If your whole text message is in red, it's wrong. And then I don't even get mad at the youngins, you know, the millennials, because that's all I didn't know how to do.
Slide in DMs. Text you. It's you old cats that know better that you came up in the era of courting a woman. You know what to do. You're a dumbass out here texting my ass on a flip phone. You ain't got no damn emotions. You making them shits with hashtags and commas. You sitting up here trying to send me abbreviations like you hip. You know, the young ones, they can't ever spell shit out. It's W-Y-A, where you at?
W-Y-D, what you doing? Here come your old ass trying to be hip. So come on, M-M-L-A. What's that? Meet me at the Legion. Get the fuck off my phone, Clarence. And then I went into the pandemic single. Oh, Lord, I didn't get to mess around and build my roster. Being single in a pandemic is terrible 'cause after about month number four, honey, I'm on Facebook looking at dudes I ain't talked to in 20 years.
Talking about how your marriage working out, you know. You still like that bitch? Let me know. 'Cause I'm gonna tell you something. I never thought in a million years that I would be single at my age, you know? I was married, you know, and I love being married. I just hated who the fuck I was married to. You know, I think some of y'all can relate. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying?
It was like, I was with this person and I loved him but he just wouldn't act right. He had this condition I couldn't deal with called a nigga won't work. I can deal with a lot of shit but you ain't bringing no check in this house? Honey, please, honey, let me tell you something. You know how good your pee-pee got to be? I better be going to my job every day in a wheelchair, understand me? Dudes understood it was levels, you know, and they didn't go out of their way to jump on the ass when you finally told them They could have it.
I remember a time when men knew how to romance you Remember that shit they would just they would plan for that wonderful evening, but that monumental even they'd planned for it You know you you would tell him he finally earned it. He said I is going down on Wednesday, but it's Monday you had 72 hours to plan he had time to do what he had to do and when that morning came around girls Remember when you used to prepare for that evening first thing you did was pull out that bra and panty set you've been saving The one you only wear on special dick occasions So you young girls know what I'm talking about, you know, I'm saying I think that's the problem with y'all now and why the stock of ass Don't went down like three percent Because y'all out here just giving out ass for stupid shit like 220 from Applebee's, you know, I'm saying All you gotta do is say hi here, but what's the hell wrong with you?
But back in my day, honey, we might have had the urge to screw you early, but we never let that urge overcome us We wanted you to respect us to earn that shit understand what I'm saying? So you young girls know what I'm talking about to see grown women know how to control that kitty cat Yes, we do and it's something very simple as wearing the certain type of drawers when you go out with a man See when you my age back in the day, honey, we went out, dude We might have been feeling him wanting to give him some Well, you made sure we had on the right type of drawers So you young girls out here going out here with thongs on and no drawers and where your little coochie running around here with no purpose, no direction But when my age, my age group, honey, we knew to get that three-pack you get from Walmart to come in pink and baby blue And lilac the ones that were so long you could tuck under your bra and make a homemade sprints I don't care how good your game was, you wouldn't see any big ass drawers But tonight he get them little drawers, them little tiny ones, you know, the ones you put on and pull over your stomach And as soon as you make a breath, the motherfuckin' fall right here And you know, some of y'all sitting here right there, them drawers been stuck the whole show You're like, bitch, I think I had a stroke.
I can't feel my foot, you know You went in the bathroom and you prepared that body for him. Yes, you did, you know, you prepared that body for him You know what I'm saying? We made sure we washed and shaved everything You know what I'm saying? Yes, sir. That's old school, honey You used to get that shaving cream and that razor and that mirror, throw that leg up on that sink And you got, like, Picasso Gave him a landing strip, a triangle, a circle, just enough for him to know you was a grown-ass woman But oh, no, now you got these new-age men Wanted, bah!
What kind of sick-ass lawn order SVU Olivia Vincent shit is this? I'm grown as hell. How the hell I look like on the bed? I'm 48 from here to here and now all of a sudden the bitch's three. That's sick, motherfuckin' That's nasty Get on my nerves I had one dude tell me I can't eat it if it got hair on it You ain't no real man Because a real man eat it with hair One go, ah! Put your arm up, put your arm up, ah!
You would go out the bathroom after you drive and put on your little folk for 25 You know, your little, you know, sweet pea, warm vanilla sugar, you know, I'm saying whole body smell like third grade You put on your little outfit and go to his house He been preparing for you all day. Soon as you walk in the door, you can see he got all them dollar store candles lit with no smell You know men don't know that tea lights ain't supposed to be lit by themselves They really thought they caught a deal because they got 150 for $6.99 from TJ Maxx So he done lit all 150, got the whole house smelling like hot wax and hope You walk in the kitchen, he done made that one meal that all single men know how to make spaghetti Yes, sir, honey, but you special.
He done put that shit in two different pots He got the noodles boiling al dente He got ground turkey because he know you don't eat ground beef or pork You know, he even put green peppers and onions in it, but he didn't know they're supposed to be chopped up small He got the whole fucking slice in there with the cheese and everything You know, he didn't put cheese on it because you know you like cheese, you know But he ain't no supposed to be Romano, Parmesan, mozzarella No, he done put 19 slices of Kraft American singles on this bitch He done made this shit a quesadilla, now you got Mexican and Italian, you know He even had your favorite wine on the table, honey, if you old school like me, that shit was Boone's Farm, Strawberry Fields Come on, old school You young girls know what I'm talking about because y'all be like, "Sky-do, Sky-do, Sky-do ain't shit That's a little girl drink That's ginger ale See, Sky-do make you giggle, Boone's Farm make you wiggle, there's some different shit With that Boone's Farm, see After y'all finished eating, y'all would move to the living room And somehow they would always produce a bowl of warm baby oil I don't know where that shit came from But he'd want to massage you, they always want to massage you You know what I'm saying?
He would start with the feet You could feel your feet just sizzling Because that shit was 412 degrees And if he was really feeling you He'd took the time the day before To make a slow jam mixtape Remember that shit old school? Had your name on it, Keisha Had a Lil' Jodeci, Lil' Keep Sweat Lil' Luther, Lil' Sade Lil' boys, the men, so you don't feel like a ho-ho If he didn't have that slow jam mixtape He knew at 10 o'clock to put that choir storm on Remember that choir storm?
When it was a choir storm, honey When you heard Smokey, you had 4 hours of sex music, honey If you couldn't get no ass in 4 hours, men, your game would suck But you can't even trust the radios no more They play too many damn commercials for one You know what I'm saying, they play the wrong commercial You can't play slow jams and a herpes commercial That's just wrong Then they mess around and play the wrong slow song Ain't nothing worse, they been playing Prince Or playing all the good shit And you feel them legs just shaking 'cause he's beside you in all the right places And right when you about to say "You can have it, daddy!"
The DJ messed up the whole mood Playing the wrong slow song Never would've made it Don't take me home The Lord don't want this The Lord don't want this I'm going to take it out. But it's so crazy to me because as I've gotten older, it's like the dudes that try to holler at me get younger. You know what I'm saying? And I don't mind being a cougar, you know what I'm saying? I don't mind being a cougar, but I don't want just any kind of young dude.
You know what I'm saying? I'd rather have one, you know, that's, you know, I don't want one going to school and good relationship with his parents. That's true of my self-esteem. A bitch got to keep up. Give me one with no hopes, no dreams. You know what I'm saying? For real, you know what I'm saying? I was riding around New York today looking for niggas with no hope. I had my trunk full of young boy bait too, honey.
You know, white t-shirts, black and miles, loose Newports, nickel bags of weed. I had a whole PS5. This all you, boo, this all you. I like them young bucks 'cause they impressed with simple shit, you know? Like a queen-size bed on a frame. He ain't never seen no bed up high before. He's so fascinated. You know what I'm saying? He kept looking for the pump. I'm 