Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Medium Energy' (2001) by Todd Barry on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Prostitution, Temp, Boxed Sets, Sperm Bank Babies, Intro, and Cosmo.

Todd Barry

Medium Energy

"Prostitution should be legalized." Am I right, fellas? Prostitutes advertise in the Yellow Pages. They do. Look in the Yellow Pages. You see ads for escort services, massage parlors, and they have slogans just like any other business. I saw one that said, "We give the best service. No hidden charges." What kind of hidden charges are you going to get from a prostitute? The guy's going to get his bill.
All right. $200 for sex. $50 for rust-proofing. Hey, sunshine, can you come here a second? I hate to call you on this. Especially since I'm standing here in a prom dress. And I'm the sheriff of this here town. Now, I will pay for the sex. I'll even pay for the collision insurance. Hey, what's the deal with the late fee? Okay. I'm going to have to resign to the fact that the late fee thing will never get a laugh.
I used to do temp work before as a multi-millionaire stand-up comic. These temp agencies take themselves so seriously. They would always tell me to dress up, no matter how shitty and degrading the job was. They'd call me up all excited. Hey, Todd, we got a job for you for tomorrow. Woo! How did you get so lucky? It's working in the mailroom at a slaughterhouse. Be there, 5 a.m., don't forget to dress up.
Because we got some complaints when we sent you to the nerve gas factory. So I'm at the mailroom, I'm working my ass off. The boss is yelling at me, he's like, Todd, how come you ain't stuffing the envelopes fast enough? I don't know, maybe because I'm wearing a tuxedo? You let me take this cummerbund off. I'll throw the cane down. I will go to town on those envelopes. For $3.25 an hour. I'll even keep the top hat on.
Unless you'd like to wear it. It might go well with that Bob Seger concert t-shirt. Sir. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The big thing in music now in record stores are these boxed sets. All the albums by one artist in a box. There's a guy standing there going, God, I've never owned anything by the Oak Ridge Boys. I think it's time I owned everything by the Oak Ridge Boys. Let me see that. Whoa!
That is heavy. 27 compact discs. Hey, it's only $5,000. Includes a hip-hop remix of Elvira. Giddy-upper. Giddy-on-upper. Giddy the motherfuck-upper. But I was watching this A&E Investigative Reports. They had an episode about sperm bank babies who were trying to find their biological fathers. And now the sperm banks are actually hooking these people up with an audio cassette message from the father.
I wonder what the typical message is. Hi, Tommy, this is your dad. Stop looking for me. I never wanted a family. I wanted 50 bucks. I'd love to keep on a chit-chatting, but I still have about another thousand cassettes to make. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, New York City, please welcome Todd Barry. Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you for that big live album style applause. We're already off to a great, great start.
Holy shit, this place is packed out. Let me tell you what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to be doing a mixture of really old shit that I'm tired of. Spiced up with a few things that are too new to be performed. But I'll do them anyway. I guess what I'm saying is I'm about to do a really shitty show for you. And thanks for coming out. Time to do some masturbation jokes. I got a message on my answering machine recently.
It said, hey, Todd Barry, this is a lease from Cosmopolitan Magazine. Call me back. I'm like, all right, there's going to be an article about me in Cosmopolitan Magazine. She answers the phone. Hello, photo department. I said, hey, this is Todd Barry. She goes, oh, I'm glad you called. We saw some of your work in Nylon Magazine. Send your book over. I said, oh, there must be a photographer with my name.
And then I hung up. And then I realized I missed a primo opportunity to have some fun. Okay, Elise, I'll send my book over. Then I would have bought one of those shitty cardboard cameras. Taken pictures of my living room. Tape them to notebook paper. Send them to Elise. And then call her every hour. Hey, Elise, did you get my book? Elise, why aren't you returning my calls? Hey, Elise, you called me.
Elise. Elise. People always say, Thanksgiving dinner, it makes me sleepy. Thanksgiving dinner, it makes me sleepy. You know what makes me sleepy? Hearing about people's Thanksgiving dinner. So your mom puts ginger ale on the yams? You wouldn't happen to have a green bean story in you, would you? Would you? 'Cause I am all ears. I'm going to make an offer that I didn't make to last night's crowd. If anyone in this audience runs into me on the street, tells me that they were at this taping, and if I remember you, and I happen to have the CDs on me, you can have one for five dollars.
Thank you. "Are you guys in a band? No? It's a lot of tattoos with no musical ability. You gotta back up those tattoos. Play something, man. Play like a small drum kit or something." Taking a lot of breaks here, you guys are like, Tom, this is going to be one fucking slop CD you're going to put out. It's going to be edited on Zip Disc, that's right. That's fucking a little sketchy, that's being recorded on Zip Disc.
Am I getting ripped off? He said he's going to bring it over to Kinko's and pump out them. So we can do it tonight, am I getting ripped? No, and with all the digital technology, when we finish editing, this is going to be slicker than like a Yes album. Man, Todd, I liked yours, it's kind of overproduced. He's kind of overproduced. this guy's ready to hurl his backpack at me why are you holding on think afraid I might steal that I don't know I seems to be kind of fucking around a lot up there I don't want him to steal my shit man weezer bootleg is that all true really god I'm fucking I'm a bright, bright, perceptive guy.
Food or music? What do you think, lady? Music. We're going to do some music jokes, by request. Before we get to those, we're going to do the jokes I plan to do before the music jokes. I see guys in New York with neck tattoos. A big old tattoo on the side of the neck. Anytime I see a guy with a neck tattoo, I just want to walk up and go, Hey, man, you forgot to not do that. Yeah, you were going to do that, then you realized, Hey, that's kind of a stupid idea.
But, uh-oh, then you forgot. And now you have a neck tattoo. You're trying to get a job teaching kindergarten, and no one will hire you because you have a neck tattoo, you big, scary piece of shit. That's the way I talk to big guys with neck tattoos. I call them big, scary pieces of shit. They get very intimidated. They try to scamper away. I stick my foot out. I trip them. They fall on their big, stupid faces.
You know what I do next? You're not going to believe this. I pee on them. And now their problems are even worse. Because it's bad enough having a neck tattoo. Imagine having a pissed-on-neck tattoo. But here's the twist. Then they roll over, and they go, Holy shit, it's Todd Barry peeing on me. This is the best Valentine's Day ever. I can't wait to go home to my honey pie and hand her this wet candy.
You can't be with me up to that point. And then get all fucking, ooh. Fucking get all Lilith Fair on me. Ooh, we like everything but the last syllable of that joke. Pee, I was with you while you were peeing on the guy. I remember the jerking off the bag machine. But ooh, the pee was, it was wet. I don't want that woman eating that pissed-on candy in that totally made-up scenario you just gave us. That clearly hypothetical, didn't happen, will never happen scenario.
I got to learn how to eat right, man. I've been reading books on nutrition. They all say the same thing. Eat fruit. Eat lots of fruit. Keep on eating fruit. Close this book now and eat some fruit. Fruit. Eat fruit. But what they don't tell you about fruit, the dirty little secret about fruit, fruit sucks. Have you guys ever eaten this shit before? Oh, it's pretty. But it tastes like fucking garbage.
Come on, Todd. What about the orange? Fuck the orange. The orange sucks. Orange juice, Todd? Can you give us that? Okay, you got me. I love orange juice. And I get confused, too, every time I drink it. I go, how can something as delicious and delectable as orange juice come from a source as evil as an orange? It doesn't make any sense. Wow, I don't think the fruit joke's ever gone over that pick. I don't think the fruit joke's ever gone over that pick.
We have Kmart now in New York City. New Yorkers were pissed off when Kmart came to town. They were outside the store protesting. They didn't even know what to say. They were like, down with Kmart and their merchandise that people can afford. Down with Kmart and their 300-gallon drum of laundry detergent for $1.99. Whoa. I mean, why don't you go take your good values to another town? Let's turn that building into a vintage clothing store.
The kind that sells used Kmart shirts for $700. But I saw a guy buying a three-pack of condoms recently. A three-pack. I need a 12-pack for one night, I do. Because you know nine of them are going to go flying across the room. And nine separate angry hurls. I got invited to a party recently. I think it's going to be a crazy-ass party because the hours are listed on the invitation as nine till question mark.
When is it going to end? Mama, I don't know when to tell you to come get me. Anytime you see nine till question mark, generally the answer to the question is 9.15. This is usually a shitty party. Stuff your pockets full of bean dip and hit the road. Did you guys like the way I said road? I thought that was kind of adorable. I'm just trying to be as unbiased as possible about that. I think that was fucking cute, cute, cute.
Oh my god, with fucking... What's that? Did someone heckle me with cameras rolling? Cameras rolling? I'm not even fucking using the lingo, man. Cameras rolling, man. I like that, Behind the Music show, man. Very informative show. I was watching it the other day. I was like, oh my God. I didn't know Billy Idol liked living life to the fullest. I watched the Bon Jovi episode of Behind the Music. They kept using this phrase, and then he went back to his roots.
And the next year, he went back to his roots. I watched the whole show. I didn't see one portion where he strayed from his roots. It's not like they said in 1987, John Bon Jovi entered a New Jersey recording studio with just four sets of bagpipes and a woodblock. LAUGHTER I had sex recently, took out the box of condoms. She takes the box from my hand, looks at it, and goes, Hey, Todd, good choice.
Good choice. Now, I didn't expect her to be a virgin, but this is no time to show brand loyalty. I was waiting for her to break into a testimonial or something. Todd, sit down. Let me tell you a little bit about the condom you selected. Todd, this is a Trojan lubricator with the reservoir tip. I think it's the best condom made, Todd, and I should know. And what is the deal with the reservoir tip, huh?
Reservoir. Isn't that a little grandiose term for a quarter-inch plastic bubble? It's like, oh, honey, I hope it doesn't break. I don't want to contaminate the groundwater. I went to a movie theater downtown. I overheard this conversation that was going on between two concession stand workers. It was a Coke versus Pepsi conversation. I had a few minutes to kill before the movie, so I said, this might be worth a little listen.
This woman actually said, and I quote, I like Coke. I hate Pepsi with a passion. It made me very sad for her, because her body is telling her that she hates something that tastes exactly like something she loves. But then I thought about it for a while. I started thinking of my own little quirks, and I realized I have a few. I actually wrote some down, because I realized when I was thinking about it, you know, I like Sprite, but I hate 7-Up with a fervor equal to the KKK's hatred of blacks, gays, Jews, and Catholics.
Then I started thinking of some more, and I realized I like glazed donuts, but I hate honey-dipped donuts with the same intensity that the Pope hat