Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Mostly Stories' (2016) by Tom Segura on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: God Is Watching, What's He Driving, My Latest (Bonus Track), and They're People.

Tom Segura

Mostly Stories

I'm not making fun of you if you're religious. I think that's great, any faith. Christian, Muslim, Jew, if you're a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. Because it's not old, it's gotta be old. I think it's fair to say there's sometimes I don't wanna hear about it, you know? Like working out, getting high. That's a bummer, right? Like when there's pills and cash and tits out and someone's like, have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?
And you're like, I'm trying to make bad decisions. Why are you doing this to me? That and pre-sex, that is the worst. During sex, as-salamu alaykum, anything goes. But pre-sex, like right before, and the girl's like, what if God's watching us? And you're like, what? What if God is watching us? Of course he's watching us. He sees everything, and this is hands down his favorite shit. And he's like, I'm like, what if God's watching us?
He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us?
He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? He's like, what if God's watching us? Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig. I think women should judge men equally and harshly.
You know what never fails? Judge men based on what they drive. Ladies, if a guy picks you up in a minivan, he is telling you, why have sex when we can collect all the angry bird stuffed animals? Full-size van. Whoa. That's more like, you want to go out? Well, you're coming. Kidnapping joke, yeah? Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda and it's lowered real low, low to the ground, and there's some cool blue lights underneath it that says when we get to this restaurant, get whatever you want.
My mom's got this. Don't worry about it. I got it, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she gave me tip money, yeah. Oh, man. I don't know you know what brought you out I'm assuming some of you maybe saw my latest Netflix special and thank you if you have not seen it it's called making a murderer and it's out right now it's very funny that's not true making a murderer is actually a documentary series about the ugliest people in America and they live in Wisconsin so whoa what is not in the water in Manitowoc County those people are fucking hideous man you realize that is a ten part documentary series and the best-looking guy by a mile is the prime suspect there must be a hundred people that appear in that thing you're like Jesus Christ who is that drugs nice life in Wisconsin horrible my god his dad's like I'm gonna take money around and then his mother lives under the floorboards and she comes up and then they cut to his nephew Brendan he's like I'm stupid yeah yeah you're smart enough to know that Brendan you are stupid and poor son of a bitch those detectives got him in there horrible detectives they're the worst human beings on earth they get this 17 year old kid with like a 70 IQ in there and they're like did you murder that woman and he goes I go watch wrestling we have a live one we got to wrap this up right fucking now and they're like maybe if you tell us you killed her and he's like okay I'll kill her can I go watch wrestling now and they're like maybe in a 40 years we'll save you some tapes all right so it sounds like a lot of you saw it uh do you think that guy Steven Avery killed that woman do you think he did no yeah yeah no yes no no no yes yes no and that's what it's like to watch that documentary series you give them a week of your life and at the end they're like why don't you fucking figure it out like that you're like can I get a little closure and they're like no just don't sleep well for a while bye Netflix assholes disabled people have to earn their cool points just like the rest of us I'm so exhausted of the idea that everybody with a disability is automatically an angel on earth they're not they're people and you should treat them like people but you don't you patronize the shit out of them yeah I know you do of course there's so many uncomfortably silent guilty faces in here right now yeah you know when you're at work and fucking Sam rolls up it's always Sam you don't go like hey Sam you go hi Sam he's like hi and you go how was your wake on he's like it was good well that's good and he's like you know I'm not retarded right I just can't stand up you're a fucking asshole some of them are cool some of them are dicks I was walking into a building not two weeks ago I open the door ten steps back I notice the guys coming up with no arms you know what I do I hold the door and when he gets up he goes I don't need you to do that shit and I go all right okay stumpy let's watch you bite that handle for an hour that'll be a fun fucking show fuck that guy absolutely fucking This is a very, I think this pretty girl is a pretty town.
Yeah, a lot of good-looking girls in this town. I noticed, stylistically, I feel like a lot of girls here have nose rings. And I have to tell you, I fucking dig it. Yeah. I like a girl with a nose ring. I think it says something. I think it says, I have other piercings. And you can see them. As soon as I get this hemp bra off. But eyebrow ring, that's another level. That is a statement. And that statement is, fisting is my first base.
Like, those chicks are fucking down. Am I right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Some of you, no, I'm seeing disappointment in some people's faces for sure. Yeah, some people are like, mm-mm. Didn't sign up for this shit. No, sir. And the rest of you are like, but Tom, but Tom, what about tongue rings? What about tongue rings, Tom? What about them? Tools of the trade. Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush? Who is Beethoven without his piano?
That girl has a tongue ring because her mouth is a honing device for cocks. You leave her alone or just show her your dick because there's a pretty good chance she's going to lap that shit up. Now, don't get upset. It's silly. It's a silly joke. tell a lot of stories in that special i tell one uh at the end of the special about meeting mike tyson and apparently um the yeah the ending of it is unsatisfactory to some people i get emails i don't know why they just go like hey what happened next you dick you know how people are super cool online like that so i've been telling people at live shows what happened next because if you to give you context if you don't know i met tyson on a flight uh you know he he told me to give him his phone number at the end of our conversation i gave it to him and i don't expect to hear the next day he actually calls me i'm in my hotel room and he goes we're coming to your show tonight brother and i'm like what the and he goes yeah we want to watch you work and i go i'm honored and he goes it's all love and i was nervous and i panicked and i just went i love you and he went good luck at your show and he hung up the phone that's how it ends because it's an ending you know the phone hangs up so here's what actually happened next i left the hotel i went to the club right i see the manager of the club in retrospect it must have been bananas for him to hear what i was about to say but i wasn't thinking like that because i just experienced it so i just go oh hey man uh i gotta tell you uh mike tyson may or may not come to the show tonight and he went okay i'll set up a table for him and jfk and then they can watch the show together and i go thanks dick and he goes no problem so i do my show you can't see who's in the showroom right you can't so i i finish i walk off stage i walk to the back of the show if i walk to the back of the showroom i feel the jaws of life grab my shoulder with tremendous force like you ever had somebody grab your shoulder and then that knocked the wind out of you because that's what happened to me i'm walking back there and i feel like and i go like that and as i feel that grab i hear that's a funny show time and i go mike and he goes yeah i go i didn't think you were coming he goes i know okay and he goes let's go to the green room so he took me to my green room you understand that's like someone being like we're going to your house and you're like okay and then you walk in they're like make yourself at home so we walk in he goes i could smoke in here i go you can take a in here shit on the floor if you feel like it start smoking i think it's weird to see a championship level athlete just run through cigarettes but he goes two three four after his fifth cigarette he goes hey you got a window so it's a little late for that he goes you got one and i go no and he goes yeah that's when you'll know you've made it when your green room has a window i don't even know what the that means so i go why and he lights another cigarette and he goes because windows are the shit that is his explanation well i would like mr tyson to know something that here tonight in the historic vic theater in the great city of chicago illinois in my green room right now no windows all right so i'm still grinding mike You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive?
You know what I mean? I'm not suicidal. I just feel like I've done a lot, and I've seen a lot, and now I'm like, you know, let's wrap this shit up. Right? How many fucking days are there? I want to skip a grade. Remember elementary school? You get to like the first day of whatever, third grade, and you're like, where's Brian? And they're like, he skipped. Excuse me? How? And they're like, he can add like a motherfucker.
I don't know, he's just... Four, eight, twelve, he gets it. And then you go, I want to skip. And they're like... Don't even think about that. Think about other shit. I'd love to skip in real life. That would be the best program. Like, if they were like, all right, if you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house, and they go, you crushed it this year.
And you're like, yeah, I know. And then they're like, now you can skip as many years as you want. And I'd be like, what the fuck? Really? Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip? 30? Just land at retirement? I don't want to live much longer than that anyways. 70, maybe 71, you know? 70 so I can be officially old and experience old guy stuff, like people talking to me like I'm a pet. And you ever see that when they're like, hey, hey, how you doing?
You're so good. Would you like me to get you anything? I'm like, yeah, put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit? Like, but I don't want to live much longer than that. I mean, I hear people in conversation go like, I want to live to be 100. Really? Have you seen 80? I mean, my dad has a friend that's 87. He looks like a goblin, okay? He is terrifying to look at. And he knows it. He's like, I'm coming around the corner.
Don't look at me. He knows. It's scary. Here's how much it sucks to be that old. When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication. And I go, why'd you do that? He goes, I don't want to be here. And if you see him now, you're like, how are you doing? He'll go, unfortunately, alive. But he won't take me. The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy.
I already know it. Like, I have their personality. I'm anti-socialist shit. I don't want to do anything. Like, whenever anybody says to me, like, hey, man, do you want to go check out the, I go, no to the rest of your sentence. Whatever it is, I don't want to do it. I don't want to meet new people. Not one mo