Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Jokes That Make My Friends Laugh' (2013) by Eddie Ifft on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Does He Eat With A Fork Or A Straw and Siamesers.

Eddie Ifft

Jokes That Make My Friends Laugh

Sorry, I have attention deficit disorder. I have it really badly, and I just noticed what's going on. Anybody else have the ADD? Yeah, that's the only disorder people are ever proud of. You never see people going, diabetes! Woo! Nobody's ever going, Down syndrome! I had a woman yell at me the other night because I called a heckler a retard. She goes, you know what, I loved your jokes. Your show was great until you called that heckler a retard.
She goes, it ruined the show. She goes, in fact, it made me cry because my son's retarded. And I felt terrible, and these are just jokes. I really felt badly, and I didn't know what to say, and I'm not good in those situations. I was like, how retarded is he? Because they're all level. He's eating with a fork or a straw. I like to make fun of the Siameezers you're never gonna meet them come on we can make fun of those fuckers forever they don't they don't really exist they're like unicorns you just hear about them all the time they're always cutting them in half and they shouldn't even cut them in half they have a better chance of living if they keep them together you know there's a chance though if they stay together one can live and one can die yeah how bad would that suck I know cuz I broke my ankle once yeah and everybody wanted to hear what happened they're like what happened can you imagine my dead brother flopping around on my back I'm walking down the street every single person be like what the fuck is that he's the one that won the water ski it wasn't my idea I like that I put that visual in your head me and my brother all of a sudden I'm like hey get up I'm drowning put your head up I can't it's attached to your ass I just quit drinking, yeah, I know that's a crime in Cincinnati, and yeah, I quit drinking, and everybody wants to know why I quit drinking, and I hate the questions, because everybody's like, ooh, problem, and it's not that I have a problem, I just quit, so I hate the questions, so I came up with an answer that nobody will ask questions anymore, they're like, why'd you quit drinking?
I'm like, oh, I used to get hammered and fuck kids, and they're like, holy shit! I'm like, check out my website, meganslaw.com, have you been on the Megan's Law website, has anybody done it? If you want to spend a good 2, 3, 74 hours, it is the funniest website in the entire world, I mean, it's wrong, completely wrong, but it's like, you can put in your zip code and find out who the sexual predators in your neighborhood are, you've been on it?
No, I mean you type, no, he's like, I don't mean you're, he's like, page six, I'm the guy holding up the bag of candy and the PSP, I was, no, like, if you go on the website, I've learned one thing about sexual predators, if they look like a predator, they are a predator, this isn't a website full of J.Crew models, this looks more like the cast of Pirates of the Caribbean or Lord of the Rings, I mean, these guys are like, Arrr, mighty, I'm gonna fuck a kid.
It's really scary, cuz you put in your zip code, you see people that live in your neighborhood, who are like child molesters, and you see like where they work and where they live, it makes for a whole new trip to the grocery store. Seriously, you go to the grocery store, the guy bagging your shit is a child molester and he's like, paper or plastic? And you're like, stop fucking kids! He's like, you want paper or plastic?
I want you to stop fucking kids! And now they got a show about it on MSNBC. How, how disturbing is Hollywood that they just exploit anything? They used to have the show Cheaters, you ever see Cheaters? Yeah, look, people love that show. The only good episode of that show is when Joey Greco got stabbed. That was the best thing I've ever seen in my whole life. He's like, oh, you've been cheating. Yeah, well, you've been exploiting it, you prick.
And the only, there's, there's a, don't get mad at me for the crocodile hunter bullshit too. Oh, don't fuck it. Yeah, that dude had it coming. Let's face it. I don't feel sorry for his ass at all. You know who's most upset about that? The crocodiles. They've been waiting to kill that fucker for years. Pussy stingray got him. Crocodiles are all sitting around like, I wanted that fucker so bad. A stingray that's never killed anyone fucking got him.
It couldn't have gotten worse. Oh my god, he fell in a goldfish bowl and a goldfish ate him. The show, the, how to catch a predator on MSNBC. You've seen it on Dateline. It's, it's the worst, it's the worst show on television because it's completely wrong to, to molest children and sexual predators and the whole thing. But this TV show, they act like they're so self-righteous and we're, don't do it and blah, blah, blah.
Meanwhile, they're just trying to make money off of it. And they're trying to lure these predators in and they get them to come over to the house and everything. And they're showing predators how not to get caught. You know, like don't check an email that says, come on over and bring cookies, you know. And if you watch the show, they, they, they pretend, they talk to the predator. They say, come on over.
And I love when they call him a predator because I'm expecting like Arnold Schwarzenegger to fight him and shit. And this big black guy with dreadlocks and um, nobody gets that reference anyway. But uh, the, the predator always comes over and he like drops his drawers at the door and he's got like a bag of Viagra and condoms. Let's go. And then he comes in and he's like, Hey, and Ashton Kutcher jumps out.
He's like, you've been punked. There's no kid here. Just cameras from MSNBC. We were making money and you're a freak. And uh, you guys always like, yeah, I, I, I just came over to say hello. I'm going to get out of here. And, uh, and the, the, the host of that show, Chris Henson, he always acts so self-righteous, like, yeah, you know why we, you're wrong and we've got you and blah, blah, blah. And meanwhile, he just wants them to do it.
So he gets on TV and makes more money. And I'm just waiting for one time. I just hope the sexual predator comes over and he's like, where's the kid? And he's like, there's no kid. It's just me and my cameras. He's like, all right, I'll fuck you. And he bends Chris Henson over and he just rapes him in the ass. And Chris is like, Hey, this is wrong. No, you're legal, fucker. Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Iff.
I'm a weird person. I got problems, people. I just went to therapy and found out what's wrong. I'm Catholic. No, I'm really Catholic. Like, really, really Catholic. I was even molested. That's a joke. You're allowed to laugh at that. They even laughed at that when I was in Ireland. They were like, ah, weren't we all? You just weren't drunk enough to enjoy it. Look, I go to church every Sunday. Still, I just don't support the church anymore.
I don't put money in the collection basket because I'm not paying for sex. My whole life, my parents tried to make me go to confession. I wouldn't go. That's where you admit your sins to the priest. I'm like, I should tell him. Now I love to go because it's fun because you go in this little box and he can't see you. You're behind a curtain. And I get in there. I go, forgive me, Father, for having sex with you.
Not because I did, just because I love gossip. And he's like, is that Billy? No, but wait until I tell everyone. Billy's not a virgin. Billy's not a virgin. So like I said, if you like me, my name's Eddie Ifton, and if you didn't like me, just know there's a woman out there who likes me a lot less than you. Her name is Ethel. She lives in Cleveland. She's 90 years old, and I did a show at Lakeland Community College, and she was hired to sign language my show.
She was hired to sign language my show, and, well, they hired a young kid to do it, but I guess, you know, he didn't show up because he didn't hear his alarm clock. So they had this 90-year-old woman sign language my show, and I'm doing the show, and I realize halfway through it, she's signing the most disgusting, I did the most disgusting, filthy joke I've ever done in my entire life. And I'm not even going to tell you it, because it's sudden, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Alright, but you made me. I go, I said, I've never fisted a girl. I can't finish it. Alright, I go, I've never fisted a girl, but one time I punched a girl in the cunt. But that's just because it smelled like Mike Tyson. And I look over at her, and she's like, And so I said to her, I go, oh my god, you're signing everything I say. And she goes, I go, you just signed, you're signing everything I say.
And she goes, I go, you just signed, you just signed, you're signing everything I say. And this 90-year-old woman looks at me and goes, get on with it! And I go, okay, fine. After the show, I'm going to be fucking her in the ass. And she goes... And I look at her, and I go, get on with it! And she goes, and I couldn't end there. I described the most sexually grotesque way I was going to have sex with this 90-year-old woman on stage, just watching her go.
And she ran off the stage. And I go, where are you going? She goes, I have to shower! And I go, where are you going to have sex with this 90-year-old woman on stage? And I go, where are you going to have sex with this 90-year-old woman on stage? I am going to go to Stanky Pete's and I will buy every single person here a shot that will have sex with me. Yeah! Sometimes a bummer, yes. Sometimes a bummer, no.
Thank you guys. Have a good night, everyone. Thank you. So I traveled everywhere this year. I went to Amsterdam. I just got back from there, I think. And, uh, obviously, you know, legalized marijuana in Amsterdam. Legal. Yeah, woo. Hello. Hello, potheads. It's legal. Is that amazing? Like, legal. It's just such a weird concept. You can just walk out in the street with an eight-foot bong and be like, hey, officer, come here.
Can you do me a favor? I'm going to climb up top. I'm going to need you to light it at the bottom. And the cop's like, hold on. Hold on. Use my weed. And it's just crazy. It's, uh, it's just a weird city. Like, they just have weird laws, like drugs are legal, prostitution's legal. Legal. That's a weird law, because that means then if a hooker gets raped, it's just shoplifting. But they also, everyone there rides bicycles.
Nobody drives, because they care about the environment. And, uh, they all ride bicycles. And when I was there, they gave me a bike to ride. And I went to the bike shop. They gave me the last bike in the shop, and it had a baby seat on it. And I'm a single guy. You know? I'm trying to meet the ladies. I look like a bad father. I was like, thanks, cockblockers. So I'm sitting there thinking, all right, you're going to give me this bike?
I'm going to have fun with this shit. So I rode around with the empty baby seat all through Amsterdam, all week long, just going, has anybody seen my baby? Help me, I've lost my baby. And people were running from all over, going, oh my god, what happened? I'm like, I don't know. I hit a bump, and he's fucking gone. He just bounced off the back, and I don't know where he went. And they're all like, oh my god, what does he look like?
And they're all stoned, so I'm like, like a baby. And they're like, describe him. I'm like, he's little. And he's bald. And he's got a mustache and tattoos. And they're all like, okay, we'll find him. And they went running off in their wooden shoes. Except for one American hippie came up to me and goes, dude, you don't have a baby. You have a midget. You lost your midget. And he goes, don't worry, we're going to find that midget.
He goes, they're easy to find, because everybody's always pointing at them. And then, even worse than that, some guy came up to me with a baby, and he's like, is this your baby? And I was like, holy shit. Yes, it is. And I took them, and I didn't know what to do with them, so I sold them on eBay. Yeah. And I got 76 euros from some guy with a screen name M. Jack