Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Faizon Love Live' (2015) by Faizon Love on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: I Quit (Live), What Im Fat? (Live), and Love the One Your With (Live).

Faizon Love

Faizon Love Live

I was married. I was sitting on the couch, and I said, I quit. My wife looked at me and said, what? I said, I quit. What you mean? We ain't playing a video game, man. I'm not gonna fuck with me playing. I quit. This is bullshit. Because a lot of times when you're married, don't it feel like you're just sitting on the couch waiting to die? Any day a meteorite should just blow this motherfucker up. So, I get up, walk out the house, go to Costa Rica, I'm in Costa Rica.
Having the time of my life. You know what I'm saying? I'm saying, I'm saying, I mean, there ain't no ages in Costa Rica. All you know, the women down there, they, you know, their pussy smell like aspiration and dreams. I'm on the beach, I'm on the beach, they feed me cookies and tacos. I'm like, shit. My phone ring. It's my wife. And I'm mad. What? What you doing? I, didn't I tell you, I quit? She said, look, you're not being mature.
You play, I said, listen, I don't care about all that bullshit you're talking. I quit. She said, but we have to see a lawyer. I said, you can see a lawyer all you motherfucking walk. I ain't got nothing but a pair of pants and a Bruce Lee post-up in that motherfucker. Because they never let you decorate shit around the house. Can I get this couch with the wheels on? Hell no. We got to get the serious old lady couch.
Can I put Bruce Lee? Fuck no. I was like, well, I ain't got nothing but a Bruce Lee poster and some pair of pants there. Fuck that. I quit. She, listen here, you're being immature. Listen, I quit. I don't have to talk to you. I quit. She said, well, where are you? Costa Rica. If you must know. With who? Bitch, Costa Ricans. I'm married now. I take the phone, I throw it in the ocean, I watch it, I watch it, you can only stay in Costa Rica 30 days.
Then they kick you out. They say, look, little fat black motherfucker, you've been here 30 days, you got to leave. I don't know where your big ass going, but you done ate up all the fruit and all the tacos. bitches around here pregnant look like Idi Amin. Get your big ass on. So, I come to, back to the stateside, get me an apartment, but I'm lonely because I'm 44. No one fucks a 44-year-old fat guy in America.
Do you know who fucks 44-year-old? Bitches from the DMV smoke cigarettes. I don't want that pussy. I want that young pussy. I want that Costa Rican pussy. You know what I'm saying, man? So, I get an apartment, I'm depressed. I hang my Bruce Lee poster up. I get a call from my nephew, he's one of these little black dudes. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's how they talk to you. He wears pants around his, at his knees.
He walks like a pigeon. I got kicked out the house, meaning my sister kicked him out the house. Can he come live with me? I'm like, fuck no. But I'm lonely. And he's 22 years old. You know where to go, my young pussy is. I'm like, yes, come over. He comes to the house, he's immediately getting on my nerve. He's all in my Simply Lemonade. I'm like, you fucking stupid. You don't touch my Simply Lemonade, motherfucker.
You don't have a job, you son of a bitch. Fuckers are up. That grape shit is for you, down at the bottom. You drank the Jim Jones shit. I'm thinking this is a horrible idea. He comes to me, I'm about to kick him out, he says, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Turn up, turn up, uh. Turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up. Uh-uh. My favorite rapper, Little Jerk, is coming to town, and can I take him to the Little Jerk concert?
I'm like, he tinkered, it's because I did a movie with Ice Cube, I know all the rappers. I was like, I know two rappers, Ice Cube and Tupac. I don't know these little jerks. I don't know these new niggas. I don't know them. They wasn't around when I was around. I'm old. He's like, come on, uh, uh, uh. But I'm thinking, well, shit, it's going to be some young women there. And they might. I'm going to fuck me.
I'm rolling the dice. I finally made you laugh. So, we go to the place, and you know how it is. You know, I feel like a fucking chaperone. I'm old as a motherfucker. Excuse me, dude. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Yep. And they all got their pants around. They walking like ducks. Music loud. And they give us, they got the bottle service now. Yeah, got the bottle, the bottle, the bottle, hey, the bottle, the bottle, the bottle, hey.
nobody's got a credit card but me. Hey, get the bottle, turn it up, hey, turn it up, turn it up, turn it up. They start ordering shit. They want the Jay-Z shit. They want the Rick Ross shit. They want the puffy shit. I'm like, uh, we had $1,700. I'm like, fuck all these niggas. They start pouring champagne and all, and he invites more dudes over. The more champagne, the more dudes come over. Then they start chanting, we don't need no bitches, all my niggas, all my niggas, all my niggas.
We don't need no bitches, all my niggas, all my niggas, the fucking bitches. I'm like, uh, uh, uh, that ain't what I signed up here for. You scaring the woman away. Sit your little black asses down. Then shut the fuck up. You don't want to stare up. You don't know where you, you don't, I'm like, oh shit. Then they spark the weed up. Now, let me tell you something. I ain't smoke weed in years because I'm grown.
I got shit to do. I know y'all smoke weed, but I can't do it because I get too high. You ever leave your house twice? I think I, did I leave? I think I left. No, I'm sure I left. Did I leave? I left here before, and now I'm back. The weed too strong. I mean, last time I got hired, the phone rang, and I was like, how do these motherfuckers know I'm here? I've already left the house. So I stopped smoking weed.
I got shit to do. I got time to be worried about how many Beatles is in the Beatles. So anyway, they spark up the joint, and they, woo-wee! Fuck this, bitches. We get hired. We don't need no bitches. And I get a contact, and I join in on, fuck them bitches. Don't need no bitches. Don't need no bitches. No, no bitch. Hell, fuck them old wheels. We don't need, hey! Now I look like a fool. The lady come around with some pie.
I'm lactose intolerant. It's extra whipped cream on there. I don't care, because I'm high. It's the munchies. And I'm saying it alone. Fuck them bitches that got my pie. I don't get pie. I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit. This goes on for about three hours. Lady come around with another pie. 12.30, Little Jerk gets on stage. I can't tell which one is Little Jerk, because it's 700 of these motherfuckers.
They start they song. They song say, I don't give a fuck, I wish a nigga would shoot me. I wish a motherfucker in here would shoot me. My nephew, they go, oh, that's my shit. I wish a motherfucker would shoot me. I'm thinking, why would you want people to shoot you? Well, apparently, there was somebody there from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Because somebody shot Little Jerk. Little Jerk got shot. My nephew, everybody started, ah!
Police came in with spirit gun, whatever, kicking everybody's ass. And something in the back of my neck said, you better find a toilet. Because when you get my age and you got to shit, you got to shit. And I got that lactose intolerant going, you better hurry up. I'm running around there on my tippy toes going, ah! I'm finally finding a toilet. There's something about your ass to let you know when you're close to a toilet.
Because your ass says, you better hurry up quick. Ah! I sit down. Shit everywhere. Won't stop shit. I look down and I forgot to take my pants off. But I'm still shitting that lactose intolerant. Brrrr, brrrr, brrrr. Brrrr. I'm reaching my pocket. Get my flow. And I call my wife. I said, babe. Babe. He was right, he was right, he was right. I'm at a little jerk house. I done shit everywhere. There shit everywhere, baby.
If you'd be so kind to go upstairs and go in that room and get my pair of pants. And bring it down to the Coliseum. Please, babe. You had a blue pair of pants. There's no one, there's no one. She said, I would, but I quit, nigga. She said, I don't know. She said, I don't know. She said, I don't know. She said, I don't know. So the motto is, how long you been married? She said, 12 years. He was like, mm-hmm.
Thank you. And I'm fat. See, we don't know how fat we are. I don't know how fat I am. I didn't know I was fat. No, we, the kids, you know, we don't. I don't. Until I was walking down the street and I was looking at a shadow. I was like, damn, that's a big motherfucker. He ought to do something with it. And it was me. I was like, what the fuck? That's my shadow? What the fuck? Because I don't have that fat breath.
You know you got the friend with the... Sound like he's asleep. You sleep? Uh-oh. I'm wide awake. Why do you sound like that? Oh, whoa. Quit breathing on the phone. I'm fat. But I'm in shape. I'm strong like an ox. I go to the doctor. There's only two reasons why I really want to lose weight. One of them is, it's been my dream to buy a, um, coach seat. You know what I'm talking about. On a plane. You know what I'm talking about.
On a plane. They make these little skinny-ass seats. You know, damn, where's my dream? To just buy a coach seat. Just sit in it like white people. Put my feet all in the seat. Just have all kind of room. Only reason why I buy a first-ass ticket is because you can sit comfortably. These damn coach seats. You sitting... You sweating just sitting there. Then you gotta try to put the seatbelt on. Oh! So it's the lady next to you.
Sir, your elbow. I know my elbow's in your face. I want to just get a coach seat. Just... Peanuts, please. you really understand when you get married yeah that's when it all goes i i'm well i'm how do i explain this let me say this first if you're with a good woman yes stay with her there's no better you're gonna get the one that you're with is the one you need to be with trust me it's gonna be hard i mean hard i mean hard unless you come in the house and you find bill cosme dick in your wife's mouth stick it out it's just some pudding i didn't know you're going to be home so soon stick it out you're not i'm talking to guys there's a woman you can't if you can understand a woman you are a genius any guy understand a think he understands a woman is a genius but you're a retarded because you can't you can't understand a woman she's got her own life in here you're not going to understand them god didn't understand them that's why i say today if you want this thing all right i'll put her here are you sure i suggest you jack off adam because if i start this kid it's a wrap do not you're not listen to me how many how are you how long you married huh baby you're getting up i know what you're doing i know that's the fun part that's when she's thinking that's the mood that's when you're on trees and in the car behind the 76 i get it i know yeah it's oh yeah that's the fun fucking that's the fun part are you guys married oh see see good see good good you're married you guys married uh how long are you there see you're up how long you're married almost a year and a half ah see you haven't learned see you ain't learn he just like me see you guys probably gonna get married at least that's what you're telling her yes sure this is how our family does it i was married i um i'm still let's just put it like this i quit yeah i yeah yeah because i i was like this is some and i wish i would have known see like i asked this uh because there's there's a marriage there's a marriage and there's a b marriage see i'm gonna let you i'm this for you a manager's right here see how when i said who's married she was like he was like this he didn't say a fucking thing this guy here is like me you like me halloween marriage the first 15 years of your marriage you ain't supposed to say the first 50 the only thing you say to your wife is what for real and i ain't know that anything else is a fucking argument i didn't know it either i thought it's free speech it's bullshit it's bullshit this guy figured it out quick i said how long are you married his wife this 