Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour Carrot Top' (1988) by Carrot Top on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour.

Carrot Top

MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour Carrot Top

Well, I'm very excited about this next comedian. He's a very funny, a little bit different type of comedy, but funny, just the same. We call him the MacGyver of comedy. How about a hand for Carrot Top? Give him a hand. Hello, how are you? Hi. Hi. I'm like, damn, that's an ugly son of a bitch. Don't look right at him. Hi, how are you? Hi. Look, Bozo had a kid. I know, look at this. Right when you thought you look like an idiot, check this out.
No, look, look, you're not going to believe it. I'm the damn Wendy's girl. I'm Wendy. I never know. I know, I know. It's amazing. I look just like the bitch. It's amazing, you know? It's not that cool. You pull in the drive-thru. They're like, damn, she's here. Clean up. Wendy's here. I never thought she'd come on the weekend, you know. Got them all running around the restaurant. I've been heading to drive-thru windows.
Don't make me come in there, hey. Do I have to come in there or not? Cool. You're in a good mood. Right on. I got some stuff. Look at this. I made this here for my grandmother to wear. And she drives, her head goes above the seat. That's entertainment right there, you know? Getting your car doing like 75 miles an hour with it hanging out the sunroof. It's like, what the hell was that? I don't know.
She's kind of behind us. She looks pissed. You know, I get the hell out of the way. Are you? I got all kinds of stuff. I respect build stuff. Look. Look, I made this here. Look. For military men to wear so they don't have to worry about saluting anymore. Hey, how you doing? Look at this. Look, name tag to the 7-Eleven employees. Ah, sheesh. You all are killing right on. You all are too cool, man. This is great.
Look at this. I got, look, a hanger for a hunchback. I made that. It's not me. It's a comedy show. Don't get all that. Here's a hanger for a bachelor because it ends up on the floor. You don't need a hook. Hang up your clothes. I did. This is my favorite one. No one ever laughs at this, but it's funny to be. Catherine Hepburn's coat hanger. See, you all are hip. No one ever even giggles. That's funny as hell.
Oh, well, I can reach you there. Here's Michael Jackson's coat hanger in the 80s. And, of course, Michael Jackson's coat hanger in the 90s. Y'all are so hip. This is so cool. Look, look. And then David Duke's hanger I found the other day. I know, I know, I know. Richard Nixon has a book on cassette tape, but the tapes are gone. It's the Pete Rose commemorative cap. It's a collector's item. I found that.
Man, this is killer. And then Timmy Herman's popcorn tub they found at the theater. It's kind of cool. It needs more sex. Man. Take you all home with me. This is cool. See, I don't do sex jokes. I do this stuff, you know. I kind of build stuff. You know, it just don't work for me. You know, a lot of comics talk about sex. Look at me. You know. Picture me talking about sex for an hour. So I was laying in bed with this chick.
You're like, no, you weren't. You weren't laying in bed with no damn woman. Show us some more toys, you bastards. So I'll show you some more. Here's my hand mixer. I just build a car like a ramp. So if you ever have a head-on collision. You're driving along. Look out. We're all right. Thank God we hit him head-on. We're going to kill ourselves. Look at this. A baseball jersey with rollers on the chest.
So when they slide. There he goes. Say damn. Come back. How do you stop this thing? An alarm clock to keep him hitting the snooze button in the morning. Whoa. I'm up. I'm up. Where you been? I slept in again. Look, I took this just to prove a point. That's how I can. They almost didn't let me do this. Like, you can't do that. I'm like, why? Because it's a real sign. Well, no kidding. That's why I took the sign.
That's how good. That's how it proved a point, you know. That's how good our crime watch is. Don't even watch their own sign. We've got crime watch in our neighborhood. Well, I've got your damn sign. Figure it out. It's true. It's true. When I have fun at the drive-thru. Next time you pull up there, they can't hear anything. It's like, Walker McDonald's may take your order. Yeah, I'm a big man. I like Frank Ryan.
I like Frank Ryan. I think I picked up the airport. Remember the phone? Remember the little phone with your little kid? Hello. Hello. Hello. Remember the phone? This is the 90s version. This is the mobile. Hello. I'm on my cordless. Where are you? I'm on my tricycle. I can hear you. I'm in the fort. It's a little, it's a phone list. Oh, screw it. All right. Here we go. Can I use you for this? This is a 90s version for paper cups and string.
Can I use you? Okay. Put it to your ear. Put it to your ear. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Put it to your ear. Red Rover. Red Rover. Send a brain cell right over. Put it to your ear. Man. Are you ready? Put it to your ear. Put it to your ear. Put it to your ear. Now. Hi. What's your name? Nakamaka B-side. Hello. What's your name? Do you have a name? Does he have a name? Don, hold on a second. I got on the call.
Hello. Call waiting. Conference calling. Thanks, guys. Enjoy the night. Hello. Hello. .