The following is a collection of all the jokes that Norm Macdonald, Adam Egret and guests told in the Jokes segment of Norm's podcast Norm Macdonald Live. Catherine Zeta-Jones Catherine Zeta-Jones has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, half the time she's Zeta... - Norm Macdonald Caffeinated gum The FDA is investigating health risks posed by Wrigley's new caffeinated gum. Where the hell was the FDA when York Peppermint Patties were making people shiver and have involuntary orgasms? - Nick Swardson Curtis Peterson Michigan man Curtis Peterson received a 15 year prison sentence for having sex with his pet pitbull. What's that lassie? Woof woof? Grandma got stuck in a well? Woof woof? Oh, you got raped? - Norm Macdonald Special K The street drug 'Special K' has been found to be an excellent treatment for depression. This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey. - Ray Romano Cat names Health officials in Texas raided the home of 60 year old sisters and found over 100 cats. The cats are named Bootsy, Lola, Tippy, Cornelia, Fluffy, Minerva, Ringo, Jasper, Charlie, Spanky, Snooks, Doodle, Wally Happy-pants, Zeke, Veronica, Dolly, Clyde, Ajax, Rusty, Puff-ball, Snuffy, Sylvia, Mr. Moody, Leonardo, Zeke, Tawana, Evinrude, Nimrod, Sylvester, Skee-ball, Toots, Jupiter, Lady Agatha, Murgatroyd, Lula-belle, Newton, Felix, Smurfette... - Adam Eget Vegas ferris wheel Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall ferris wheel. Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas? Whores! - Ray Romano Bill Clinton/aliens Bill Clinton says he wouldn't be surprised if some day we are visited by aliens from outer space. Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said: "Shouldn't you be getting a blowjob somewhere?" - Adam Eget Wholesome porn Why is it so difficult to find pornography about people in stable monogamous relationships? - Adam Eget Rolex in hiding A Las Vegas woman was arrested after hiding a stolen Rolex in her vagina. Wow, now Bruce Jenner's just gone too far. - Ray Romano Sorcery Two women accused of using sorcery have been beheaded in a remote village in Papua New Guinea. A team of police rushed to the scene but were forced to stand by and watch the victims being decapitated by axes as locals refused to let them come to their aid. If you ever go to a remote village in Papua New Guinea, at all costs avoid using sorcery! - Adam Eget Jamestown Archaeologists evacuating a trash pit at the Jamestown Colony site in Virginia have found direct evidence of human cannibalism. It's believed to be the first historical occurrence of someone eating a bag of dicks. - Ray Romano Mondays Mondays aren't actually worse than any other day according to a group of researchers who've never read a Garfield comic. - Adam Eget Videogames I am not a big fan of videogames where you cannot kill a prostitute. - Norm Macdonald Time Top 100 Most Influential People Time Magazine named the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World. The Top 100 included Justin Timberlake, Beyoncé, Jimmy Kimmel... in your FACE, Ueli Maurer, President of the Swiss Confederation! - Norm Macdonald Civil War re-enactment Three children were injured when a cannon exploded during a Civil War re-enactment. To keep things authentic, the children had their limbs sawed off with rusty hacksaws. - Roseanne Barr Submerged granite Scientists have found a submerged mass of granite off the coast of South America that they are calling the 'Brazilian Atlantis'. Dammit, I want to be called the 'Brazilian Atlantis'! - Adam Eget Astronomers Astronomers have discovered three new planets that have an atmosphere conducive to human life. And they've discovered one that has an "atmo" conducive to hipster life. - Adam Eget Junkyard dogs Sure junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding concentration camps. Note: Early version of Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit 'Big Bad Leeroy Brown' included the line "meaner than a concentration camp dog" but Croce decided it was unpleasant to the ear. And it was also offensive to Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. Little did it matter, Croce would be dead within the year. - Norm Macdonald Craigslist I think there's some trouble over at Craigslist. I went over there and saw an ad: 'Someone to kill Craig's wife'. - Adam Eget Summer Well we're now into those hazy crazy lazy days of summer. Especially those of us who are over-medicated schizophrenics who live near smoky industrial parks. - Norm Macdonald The Swiss We all know that the Swiss are officially neutral. Unofficially, however, they're filthy sons of bitches. - Adam Eget Miami Heat If the Miami Heat win the NBA championship this year, I'm going to eat my hat. It's not that I care or think that they're going to win, it's just that I want to eat my hat. - Norm Macdonald Irons in the fire Whenever someone says "I have a couple irons in the fire" I think, "is one of them a job writing blacksmithing metaphors?" - Adam Eget Untrustworthy Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey. - Norm Macdonald Missing persons There are over 10,000 missing person cases in America. I hope I'm not telling tales out of school, but I think the answer to where these missing people are is very clear: Joran van der Sloot. - Norm Macdonald Ray Manzarek Organist Ray Manzarek died this week at age 74... THE CURSE OF THE DOORS! - Norm Macdonald Sears catalogue A lot of people talk about masturbating to the Sears catalogue when they were younger. But I'm a lot older than that, back in my day you actually had to go to a Sears store and fucking whack off! - Norm Macdonald True things If there's two things I'm 100% sure are true, it's that 1) No means no. 2) You should never take no for an answer. - Adam Eget Lindsay Lohan Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan had a cameo on Anger Management last week and managed to shock the cast and crew by showing up on time, and even early. Later in the week, the Mean Girls actress was looking decidedly chipper as she posed on the red carpet at a clothing store launch in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Perhaps Lindsay is getting a jumpstart on her upcoming mandatory 90 day rehab, or maybe bartenders are just asking her to land someplace else knowing the way liquor... Makes her fly. Note: You know I can understand why someone in show business would want to drink liquor to soothe and steady her nerves. Why, some people I know drink liquor and get so steady they can't even move. - Adam Eget Saved by the Bell cast It's hard to believe that the entire cast of Saved by the Bell is now dead. - Andy Dick Pimpin' They say pimpin' ain't easy... but what they won't tell you is it's much, much more difficult being a prostitute. - Norm Macdonald Slaves/flame patterns I feel the same way about slaves as I do about shirts with flame patterns on them. I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them. - Norm Macdonald Latest Archie Comic The latest Archie Comic shows gay character Kevin kissing his boyfriend Devin. Another barrier will be broken next month when in a dream sequence, Jughead will be shown fisting Betty Crocker. - Adam Eget Mickey Mantle Mickey Mantle knew two things, drinking, and playing drunk baseball. - Tom Green Applebee's appetizers Why doesn't Applebee's call their appetizers appletizers? And why doesn't that waitress I met at TGI Fridays ever call me back? - Adam Eget Fat shaming I don't fat-shame women because you can't judge a book by it's cover. Of course, if it's too damn thick, no-one's going to read it. - Billy Joe Shaver Military spending This administration is cutting back drastically on military spending but doesn't think defense capabilities will be compromised? How so? I'll tell you how so! Groupons! Remember Groupons? - Norm Macdonald Justin Bieber's monkey Justin Bieber's monkey has been quarantined, which reminds us how far we've come since headlines about Pearl Harbor and D-Day. - Adam Eget Aaron Jackson Earlier this week Aaron Jackson of Topeka, Kansas painted his house the colors of the gay pride rainbow flag in direct protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. When that didn't seem to work, Jackson fucked three of his best buds on his front lawn. - Adam Eget Chipotle/boy scouts Chipotle has cancelled its planned sponsorship of the Utah Boy Scout event due to the BSA's ban on gay leaders and scouts. Ironic how an all male anti-gay organization would want to put hot thick loads of beef and sour cream in their mouth. - Adam Eget Elizabeth Leigh Garner Former Tennessee Titans cheerleader Elizabeth Leigh Garner, 42 is accused of pulling a 12 year old boy pants off and offering him oral sex. The boy refused her advances, not because he was 12 but because he was a diehard Colts fan. - Adam Eget Jenna Jameson Former pornstar Jenna Jameson was arrested this weekend after allegedly assaulting someone. This may be the most damaging to happen to her image since her 16 year career in pornography. - Fred Stoller Moron/clock Why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Richard Clock - the man convicted of knife-raping his wife. - Norm Macdonald Apps Why is there an app for everything, except how to rape a baby? - Norm Macdonald Lindsay Lohan [Adam] Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan isn't letting a little thing like rehab stop her from living it up at Coachella music festival in Indio, California on Friday Night. [Norm] Now Adam, you were there, am I correct? I was watching The Masters, of course, but I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. I'm not much for that acid rock. [Adam] The copper haired starlet looked ready to party in her midriff baring, short cropped, white striped top and sexy black ankle boots. She added a gray jumper around her waist and had a heftier black jacket slung over her forearms in case she got a little cold later. [Norm] Oh wow. It's good to see that tight clothes don't stop her circulation. Seems the tighter the outfit, the more she circulates. - Adam Eget 42 I love the movie 42. It's Chadwick Boseman like you've never seen him before! - Larry King The Rostov Ripper If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andrei Chikatilo aka The Rostov Ripper and he couldn't achieve an erection... that was not your lucky day. - Larry King Liberace I loved Liberace but with all due respect, man, if you kicked that guy in the ass a hundred cocks would fall out. - Norm Macdonald Fast and Furious 6 Fast and Furious 6 opens next week. The cast is getting a little older, it's less 'Fast and Furious' and more like 'Brisk and Peeved'. - Kevin Nealon Tampons If tampons are called sanitary napkins, how unsanitary must regular napkins be? - Simon Helberg Popeye I've never gotten a decent explanation as to how Popeye the Sailor Man lost his eye. - Norm Macdonald Ja Rule Ja Rule's taxes are just like his music. No one can remember the last time he released anything. - Adam Eget Specialized I went to one of these fancy restaurants. Boy, they really specialize with all these fancy waiters. The waiters, they specialize. I don't think they're fancy, I think they specialize. You have the butter waiter, he brings out the butter. You have the water waiter, brings out the water. You have the coffee waiter... And then the head waiter... Now they're very specialized at these places. - David Letterman Cats/paraplegics Cats and paraplegics have a lot in common. For starters, neither appreciates being tossed into your neighbor's pool. - Norm Macdonald ZZ Top ZZ Top sang that every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man. But you know what they're not crazy about? Gross long beards. - Kevin Nealon Tim Tebow Tim Tebow's time in New York wasn't a total loss, he had a monument built to him in Central Park. A bench. - Kevin Nealon Broadway Rocky There's going to be a Broadway musical based on the movie, 'Rocky'. In the Broadway musical version, after Rocky climbs the steps of the art museum he goes inside and spends 2 hours looking at paintings. - Adam Eget Ben Affleck Movie star and award-winning dire
