Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Voodoo Child' (1997) by Eddie Griffin on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Eddie Griffin

Voodoo Child

Where I'm standing next to him, yeah, I'm falling down with the crack of my head. Then I pick up all the little pieces, and I might even make the tall ends ring, yeah, cuz I'm a voodoo child, voodoo child, Lord knows I'm a voodoo child, yeah. What up, LA? What's up, LA? Los Angeles. They couldn't have named the city better. Los Angeles. Cuz there's some lost motherfuckers here. You know what I'm sayin'?
Was y'all sittin' at home a couple of weeks ago, watchin' that motherfuckin' bank robbery? Los Angeles. I knew motherfuckers was gone, but this was like testing ground for nuts. I'm sittin' at home watchin' the motherfuckin' bank robbery. And I used to, like, hate the police. With a passion, like everybody else. Fuck 'em! You know what I'm sayin'? Cuz they always fuck with you. Here's your ticket, pull over now, get out of the car, put your hands up on the car, get on the curb, sit down, come on, shut, shut, shut, shut, shut.
You know what I'm sayin'? I used to hate the fuck out them motherfuckers 'til I seen that bank robbery. I'm sittin' there watchin' that shit. I said, "We need more police." You know what I'm sayin'? Them white boys scared the fuck out of me. Cuz I'm sittin' there with my partner, he like, "Hey, look at them niggas robbin' that bank." I said, "Them ain't no niggas." Niggas don't plan shit that well.
You know what I'm sayin'? Them motherfuckers shot out with the police for 30 minutes. You know what I'm sayin'? Niggas go do a bank robbery. Niggas be like, "Hey, you got your 9? I got my 9." I said, "What you got?" "I got a 45." Well, shit, nigga, let's go. It'd have been a short shootout cuz niggas woulda had one clip. White boys be playin' shit. Look here, gentlemen, want you to get the M16, get the M9, the banana clip.
Now I want you to get the K-K-W-A-K-K-Y-Y. You know, they have all them letters and technical terms and shit. The W-K-F-F-F. With the laser scope. We're goin' in. We're gonna need body armor, 'cause by God, we're gettin' out alive. You know what I'm sayin'? And this was some military-playing shit. You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? The story behind the story is gonna be a motherfucker when he come out.
'Cause this wasn't no average motherfuckers that got together and said, "Dude, it's fuckin' rough." Fuck, man. Come on, man. Come up, man. That's what the black people say. Come up. You know what I'm sayin'? And these was some military motherfuckers. You remember that fool that was dumpin' on the police, walkin' towards the motherfuckers? You know what I'm sayin'? Ain't no niggas ever did no shit like that.
Niggas see the police, be like, "Niggas, let's bounce." You know what I'm sayin'? This fool was just like, "Yes, I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin'. You know what I'm sayin'? He dropped the clip, had another one in there in three seconds. I said, "Marine." You know what I'm sayin'? That was some straight military shit. 'Cause you remember when the sheriff's car pulled up? Three of the sheriffs got out and they dumpin' on this fool.
Remember, he hidin' behind the trunk of the car. He did that military shit they call suppression fire. Meaning his arm came up. He didn't. His arm said, "Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta." That suppressed anything they thought they was doin'. When they went down, he came up, picked 'em off one by motherfuckin' one. I said at the house, "We need more police. My money ain't safe." You know what I'm sayin'? I knew they were stupid when they robbed Bank of America.
We all know ain't no money in Bank of America. You know what I'm sayin'? That's the McDonald's of banks. There's one on every fuckin' corner. That's when I knew white people was crazy and a motherfucker. And y'all let me know y'all was crazy again this week. With this Tiger Woods shit. Just when we think y'all cool to hang out with ya motherfuckers, fuck up. There's no redneck jealous and shit. I bet you he's gonna have chicken and collard greens.
You better leave that little China nigga alone. You know what I'm sayin'? A billion Chinese. And there's got to be a billion niggas all around planet Earth. Too many motherfuckers be fuckin' with him. And that's a little Bruce Lee nigga. You know what I'm sayin'? He got that China shit in him. That's like right here. Look at him. Niggas, China. They workin' on they own Tiger Woods. Y'all gonna have y'all little Lion Woods.
You know what I'm sayin'? But Tiger Woods got a whole lot of Bruce Lee in him, man. You see, when that motherfucker take his hit on the stick, that motherfucker go... "Wah!" "Who had feelings of Ling Ling Joe?" You know what I'm sayin'? He better leave that motherfucker, 'cause you see him walk out on the field, he be like... "Tiger here now!" And golf is changin', ain't it? 'Cause it's a young brother playin'.
It ain't like them old brothers. This has been brothers before Tiger Woods. I'm talkin' about them old brothers. They be like, "Sir? "Mine's if I hit the ball now, sir?" And they be like, "Hey, we got a caddy for you." "No, no, no, I cast my own bag. I'm used to caddy." You know what I'm sayin'? This is a young brother from the hip-hop generation. You know what I'm sayin'? This is a young brother.
There's gonna be a lot of young brothers out on that field. And with that much greenery, we gon' barbecue. You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? Brothers see that much grass and immediately start barbecuin'. You know what I'm sayin'? You know niggas gonna be pimping out them little carts and shit. Have three-wheel motion on 'em, click-click! You know what I'm sayin'?
You know what I'm sayin'? Where you goin'? Ninth hole, fool! Ninth hole, fool! You know what I'm sayin'? Wait 'til we start playin' hockey. When we get on the ice, boy, they gon' have to change the rules. 'Cause right now, they let 'em fight. Which fucks me up. 'Cause brothers in the NBA, like Dennis Rodman, getting a smack somebody. $50,000 fine. His grandmother's stuck in jail. They killin' his little sister.
The niggas off the team for two years. You know, they fightin' hockey all the time. Be knockin' each other's teeth out and they just give 'em time out. Get in that little poof. Hell, Tom's teeth so nice. Get in there! It's gonna be a minute. Wait 'til some brothers get in the hockey. You know, brothers, we throw these well. Brothers be skating backwards. What you want, fool? What you want, fool? What you want, fool?
What you want, fool? They'll change the rules. Quicken 'em up. White people, y'all don't even know how funny y'all are. Y'all are chuckle a minute. You know what I'm sayin'? I ain't got nothing against y'all. I just think y'all are funny people. Just the way y'all walk crack me the fuck up. You know, just be all tight and shit. How's the one, Jim? That's the one. Steve, Steve. Hey, Bob. Yeah. Brothers, we do everything with rhythm.
You know what I'm sayin'? Brother be strolin'. Hey. You can talk to a brother mid-stride. He won't miss a step. Hey, Leroy. Yeah, what's up, man? Try that with somebody, what? Tom. Well, what is it? Damn it. I'm concentrating. One, two, one, two. I'd like to take this time to thank you Caucasian people for inviting us here to America. That was real nice of y'all. You know, y'all laugh and I'm serious as a motherfucker.
'Cause I watched the Discovery Channel. And Africa ain't the place a nigga really wanna be right now. Them motherfuckers over there starving, hungry and all that. I'm stayin' right here in America where I can get a bucket of chicken for $3.95. You know what I'm sayin'? Fuck the dumb shit, man. 'Cause you always see them starving kid commercials of Africans who look like they been eatin' powdered donuts all around their mouth and shit.
Flies all around their damn head. I'm watchin' last night. One of 'em had a fly on his eyeball. On his goddamn eyeball. I'm sittin' there yellin' at the TV set. Blink, motherfucker! Blink! I know they weak and everything, but goddamn, uh, get the fly off! Fly just roller-skatin' around his shit. You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? And white people, when y'all get mad at us, like over the O.J.
thing, you remember that. One nigga fucked up, they wanna kill all of us. Fuck O.J. That's not our nigga. That's y'all nigga. You know what I'm sayin'? You know what I'm sayin'? After he fucked up, you wanna send him back to us. We don't want him! That's y'all nigga. He never killed nobody when he hung out with niggas. That's y'all. Chop, chop, stab, stab. We knew he wasn't a nigga from them fuckin' commercials.
Only nigga that can run through the airport. Through security. Nobody touch him. Take one of us in here and run through the motherfuckin' airport. Click, click. Get down, get down. Take one of us in here and run through the airport. Take one of us in here and run through the airport. Take one of us in here and run through the airport. Take one of us in here and run through the airport. Take one of us in here and run through the airport.
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