Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Unconditional' (2018) by Adam Ferrara on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: You're My Dawg Dog, My Wife, My Mother Is Tough, and Ghost Dad.

Adam Ferrara

Unconditional

So she has the surgery, and then it turns out she got glaucoma. Yeah, so, yeah, my little dog's going blind, and I can't fix it. And it's breaking my heart. But my wife, my beautiful wife, you know what she did? She took little bells, and she safety pinned them to the back of her jeans. So now when she walks around the house, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. The dog can hear the bells.
And my dog follows her around the house, and her little tail is wagging. She's happy. I don't know if she feels the compassion from another being, or it's the weed. I don't know. Yeah, my dog's high. Because weed helps with glaucoma, and we live in California, and you can get weed biscuits. Yeah. So my wife is tinkerbelling around the house, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. And my dog's behind her like, So we're home one afternoon, and it's time for the dog's medicine, and I can't let her get high alone.
That's just rude. So we split a biscuit. We put on some cold train, and we got deep. Yeah, my dog likes indiga and lush life. So her tail was wagging, train was blowing, my heart was breaking. And I just looked at my dog, I said, I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry, I can't fix your eye. And my dog just looked at me and said, what are you talking about? Fix my eye. Oh, I don't need eyes to see love. I can feel it right here, baby.
You're my dog, dog. You got to stop looking through your eyes and start seeing with your heart, man. The answers are there. Just listen for the bell. She leads you right to the food. Thank you, I love you, too. Thanks for coming to see me, folks. Have a good night. Thank you., folks. He gave me some great advice, my father. He says, hey, you want to live like a king? Treat your wife like a queen, you hear me?
Build your kingdom together. I said, okay. And I do, I love my wife. I do. And she's my friend, too. We get along. We play this new game around the house called, Does This Belong Here? That's a lot of fun. The game starts when I'm just about to fall asleep. That's when she... That's when she likes to hold something up. Does this belong here? No, you win. Oh, they don't like it when you rest. There's something about a sleeping man just drives women nuts.
I don't know what it is, but they go crazy, man. Look at them just laying there. Resting. Middle of the afternoon, TV on, hand in his pants. Resting. Get up. It's time to play, Does This Belong Here? Oh, yeah. My wife likes everything put away. Everything's got to be in her place. You know, she bought an amour. Amour is French for no room for my stuff. I learned that. Yeah, she's like, what is this big clumsy thing?
What is this? It's a dialysis machine. I'll use it a couple times a week. Throw it out. You can drink cranberry juice. We don't have the room. Yeah, I don't like to make my wife upset. When my wife gets upset, the room fills up with this pissed mist. Oh, it's like the fog in a werewolf movie. You come home. You're like, hey, baby, are you? Honey, are you? The worst is when you get that vibe in the car on the ride home.
We were out somewhere, and I thought I had a good time. I really enjoyed myself tonight, honey. Did you have a good? Just let me get home before she goes off, man. What the hell are you driving like a maniac for? I'm trying to outrun the fight. There's no need to rush, gentlemen. That fight will be there. It may take years for that fight to show itself, but it's coming. And don't worry. There's nothing you can do about it.
Being married, it's like whitewater rafting. You're on the ride, but you have limited control. They give you a stick so you can work around the big rocks, but you're heading to the falls, and you're going over. Yeah. And once the fight's over, that doesn't mean she's done. There's got to be an interrogation that happens after that. Honey, you know what? You're right. I'm wrong, and you're right. Und do you know why you're wrong?
Und will you tell me why you make the same mistakes over und over again? Dunk off. You keep interrogating us because you think we know what we did. Every fight I ever got into. Baby, is there something wrong? You know what you did. Oh, jeez. Honey, I have no idea what I did. Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. Fine, and don't be surprised when all this happens again. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh yeah, my mother was tough. She made a cop cry once. She did. You know why I pulled you over? I am not a mind reader, mister. I was speeding so I wouldn't be late and now I'm not gonna get there at all. You happy? Those tears don't impress me. Get back in that car and think about what you did. Me and my brothers are in the backseat like, oh, don't shoot her, it just makes her mad. Those bullets better be silver or she ain't going down.
She worked real hard to give us a good holiday. I loved having the holidays when I was a kid at my house. I hated when we had to go to my aunt's house because me and my brothers used to get that pre-holiday warning in the car. Mama would be in the front seat, she'd lean over to us in the backseat like, now when we get in there. You're all gonna behave like gentlemen and not embarrass your father and I.
We're gonna act like a family and enjoy the day that our Lord was born, you evil little bastard. And you're gonna kiss your grandmother. No! Her teeth come out of her head! Yeah, there's a lot of love in my family. A lot of love in Italian families. A lot of love, a lot of passion, a lot of yelling. No communication. It's loud, but no one's saying anything. You don't talk about your feelings in my family.
Are you kidding me? Pop, I'm not happy. Yeah, welcome to Earth. Mom, I'm not happy. Yeah, I just ate. Shove it down. That's it. No one talks about anything. And then one day it all comes out. It's usually Christmas because that's when we're all together. Everybody burps up cheese in resentment. It happened this year. I opened up my gift. Mom, thanks for this sweater. It's just a little something. It's not like a college education you can piss away.
And it's all food. My mother makes a lasagna before the turkey. And everybody eats like they're going to the chair. Then they go downstairs. They pass out in the basement. There's bodies all over my basement. It looks like Jonestown after the Kool-Aid. As soon as you turn the TV off, it's like, I'm watching it! They have to rest before their next feeding. Before dessert, my cousins go out, get high, come back, and think nobody knows.
Can you put some more gravy on the cheesecake? I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back.
I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out.
I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out, come back. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out. And I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out my soul on this crap. But it's funny. I know. My father passed away. My mother's convinced that my father's a ghost. My father's ghost is in the house and the ghost isn't talking to her because he's upset with her.
Yeah, I call my mother every week. Every week it's the same thing. Hi, Ma. Hi, Adam. I'm fine. I think your father's well. He's in the other room. He's still not talking to me. He thinks I'm going to apologize first. I'm not apologizing first because I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not the one who died, Joe. He's pouting with that look on his face. Let me tell you something. If my father was a ghost, he wouldn't be pouting.
He would come right through the wall like, Father, you're a ghost. Yeah, yeah. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. Have you come to show me my path in life? No, I've come to show you the thermostat that's up to 78 degrees. I've only been dead a week. You're just burning my money, huh, Barry? Running around in short-sleeved shirts eating the whole neighborhood. Sure, live it up. Daddy's dead. Daddy's dead. Daddy's dead.
Daddy's dead. Daddy's dead. Daddy's dead. Like, I can't say the right thing. I don't want to, being married is like being an AA. My friends ask me, like, how's your marriage going? One day at a time, man. I didn't say anything wrong today, but I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Hi, my name is Adam, and I'm a married man. It's been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day.
Thank God my sponsor came over, and we sat down until that feeling went away. Here's the problem. Here's the one core issue of my marriage. I'm an idiot. But I'm fine with it. The problem is my wife can't accept the fact that she married an idiot. That's the problem. That's the problem right there. She screwed up, and she's blaming me. I know what this is. And I didn't misrepresent myself at all. I didn't come riding in on a white horse.
My lady. She met me in a bar. And I was loaded. I had a mullet, and I spilled a drink on her. She knew what I was. No, I can work with this. Yeah, well, good luck to you, lady. You can sprinkle sugar on a turd all day. Don't make it candy. Mr. and Mrs. Kaka, that's who we are. Settle in. She's beautiful, my wife. She really is. She believes in me. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. I'll be honest with you.
I don't need that kind of pressure. She's like, you can be so much. I'm pretty sure this is it. I'm going to go to Gotham, bitch and moan to some strangers. I'll be home with cash. We'll be okay for another month. Yeah, it's just paying the bills. That's what keeps me up at night, man. And I don't know how people... My friends play the stock market. I have no clue. Yeah, Bitcoin. I bought it yesterday.
We're buying a new house. I have no idea how to make money. You know what I do like to watch? I like to watch that crazy guy, the Mad Money guy. Yeah, the guy that's yelling on CNBC all the time. I love to watch it. He's going to have a heart attack one day, and I don't want to miss it. He's screaming at the TV like, look, just because there's uncertain times means you can't make money. You have to know what to invest and when to invest in it.
And right now, I would seriously put my money into alcohol, firearms, coffins, and rope. These are the things. Yeah, I'm just happy to have a job, man. It's cool. I'm on a show called Top Gear. It's a show about cars. Oh, cool. For those of you who don't know, it's basically three idiots who likes cars. That's the whole show. Yeah, and I get to travel the world and I drive these high-end supercars.
But I get to do all this cool stuff, man. I started a NASCAR race. Yeah, I don't know if you can tell by my accent, but I'm not from the South. But Southern hospitality is alive and well, man. These people treated me like a king. I got out of the car, this giant Paula Deen-looking woman. She came right up to me. She's like, is this your first race, darling? You come with me, I'm going to fry you up some butter?
It's his first race, bless his heart. And I found out, bless his heart, is Southern code for who brought this idiot? Oh, yeah, I was at a place. You could tell. I was wearing a shirt. And they were looking at me. They were like, this ain't church. So I had to wave the flag. And if you ever see the guys wave the flag on TV, they're very cool because just the end of the flag moves, like, and I was afraid, you know, I was going to look like one of thos