Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Troublemaker' (2014) by Dane Cook on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Dane Cook

Troublemaker

*applaudissements* Hi, how you doing? Everybody's good tonight? Hi! Just sitting already? This is...okay, I gotta say a couple of hellos. Let's just do this right away. Balcony, how you guys doing up there? Everybody's good? Are you gonna be good tonight? Are you gonna be the best? Are you gonna bring it out of yourself? I want you to bring the best out of yourself. I want to put it in your angle and throw it right down at me.
Just throw that energy. Are you good? Yeah? I don't know. I don't know, Balcony. I don't know if I'm feeling it quite yet. I feel it down here. Everybody here was... Let's do this. Let's do this. This would be a good lit...this would be a test of it. Let's do this. Balcony, if you're really, really in the mood, if you're really ready to go tonight like you say you are, do this. Ready? Jump. Are we feel...we're feeling this tonight, right?
You feel it? Isn't that the best feeling? When you just fucking feel it? Anything that you do, you just...it doesn't matter. Laundry day. I'm feeling it. I'm gonna have a great load today. I'm gonna find some cash in jeans. I'm feeling it. Do you wanna know what we're gonna do tonight? Do you wanna know what's gonna happen in here tonight? Saying, "Dane, give us a little bit of a cheat sheet, Dane."
Give us a little...a little heads up. Tell us about your little...bullet points, Dane. What are we gonna be discussing tonight? Give us a little heads up, Dane. Well, fuck it. Yes, I'll tell you. We're gonna cover quite a bit of things. We're gonna talk about relationships. I'm sure there's many relationships in here tonight. Yeah? And you know what we're... You know what we're gonna do? You know what we're gonna do tonight?
We're gonna destroy those relationships. Yep. Over. I'm telling you right now, the material that I'll be covering tonight is gonna make you look at the person next to you and go, "Yeah, why the fuck are we doing this?" We are too lazy to break up. That's our problem. So tonight, I'm gonna help kick that into high gear. So... Some of these relationships will be completely destroyed. I would even say, if I had to think of a percentage, I would say 60% of all couples that came here tonight, you will be leaving separately.
I love the couples who are excited. That could be us. We might be... It's gonna be awkward, though, on that flight. You bought tickets together, you gotta sit next to each other. Hi. How was the rest of your trip? I got laid a lot. We're gonna talk about a couple of things before we get into the nitty-gritty about that. I wanna just... I wanna point out something about... about you, okay? About you guys here tonight.
Society stuff. But we'll talk about it with you guys. You'll be here to represent the people out there. When you leave, just fucking pass it along. Things that you pick up. Everybody, okay, everybody is a little bit racist. No, no, no. Everybody's a little bit racist when you're hungry. You may not even know this about yourself, but when you get a little bit hungry, you get a little bit racist. Let's give you an example.
Let's put you in a line. Let's say that line is not moving. You just wanna place your order. You just wanna get up to the front, place that order. Your stomach's kinda gurgling. A little bit. It's always frustrating when the line is not moving. You don't know what's going on up there, so you kinda do that thing where you're like... You didn't even realize that you're about to get a little bit racist.
'Cause you're standing there, and you're wondering, and then one of your friends finally comes up while you're looking, taps you on the shoulder and goes, "Hey, what's going on?" You turn, "This fucking black dude's taking forever." One king almost beats by Dre, he's just bumping around up there, he's not ordering, breakdancing or some shit. That's right, clap, 'cause that's you. Let's take it a step further since you're saying, "Dane, you're on to me."
You're vibing me, DC. Okay, let's crank it up a notch, I'll take it a step further. When you're very hungry, when you're really starving, everybody gets a little anti-religion. Yep, a little hungry, a little racist. Very hungry, anti-religion. You're saying, "Dane, maybe a demonstration?" That's why I'm fucking here, watch. Let's do this, let's put you in the same line, the line you were in before.
Let's put you in that same line, and let's say that line now isn't moving for how long? Six minutes, okay? That's an insane amount of time to wait for anything. It's insane, nobody should be waiting six minutes, even a funeral should be like five minutes tops. You don't have to lower the coffin slowly, drop that shit in the ground, no one's getting hurt. Come on, I gotta go. There's other stuff I have to go do, that I wanna get away from, to go do something else, that I gotta get away from.
So let's say you're in that line, now you're starving. Okay, your stomach is really, you don't even know you're about to get anti-religion, your stomach is really now, it's like churning. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in.
And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. And you don't know why the line is in. Moist. Moist.
Just say it. Turn to a girl right now. Just say it. Moist. Look. Don't say a thing. Say what he said to say. How did I discover this? I'm doing a show several months ago. And I was describing a piece of cake. That I'd eaten. The cake was both moist and delicious. And when I said that word. I saw a girl over on this side of the room. She kind of. And I saw this happening. This little seizure thing happening.
And I said. I'm sorry ma'am. Do you have a particular problem with that food item. The cake that I'm describing. She goes. And I was like. What's going on over here? I don't really understand. Is it. Is it the word moist? And the second I said it. She put her hand up at me. She went like this. And then she goes. She goes. Enough. She detested the word. And then the girls around her were like. Yeah.
But I don't understand. So I asked her. I go. Really. What is it about the word moist. That you. That you detest. That's so wretched. That makes you writhe. In your seat. And the. The answer was so simple. But true. She goes. It's the oist. Let that be a lesson guys. It's the oist. I would also recommend. Don't ask your girl to hoist something if you're lifting up. I'm assuming that's also going to.
Just say let's lift this shit. Nobody's hoisting. I stopped. Uh. Recently I stopped playing. Uh. Video games. I put them aside for a little bit. And. I'll. I'll. I'll tell you why. As soon as these fucking people stop clapping. Um. Jesus Christ. Know when to clap. I'll. I'll tell you why. As soon as these fucking people stop clapping. Uh. Jesus Christ. Know when to clap. I'll. I'll tell you why. As soon as these fucking people stop clapping.
Uh. Jesus Christ. Know when to clap. No comedy show needs a smattering of applause. Save that for golf. Oh. He's got a point. And I want to. Let him know that I understand. Why did I put them away? It's quite simple. I actually believe that games are getting too violent. I know. It's crazy. I'm a gamer. I'm a lifelong gamer. Hold on. Don't boo yet. Don't boo till you hear my entire. Idea. And then we'll take a moment.
I'll come back to you. And we'll see if you still want to hold on to that boo. That's where we're going to do it. After I'm done with this entire routine. I'm going to point at you. And if you want to boo again. Then you got your boo. But if there's three moments of silence. I know that's your way of saying. You know what, Dane? I recant my boo. I think that games are now, they're getting 