Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Trinkets I Own Made From Gorilla Hands' (2005) by Jim Norton on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 30/30.

It was a very inconvenient day for all. Because, you know, it's like you kept losing things as the day went on. Like, first the power went, well, then you're like, well, at least I have, you know, hot water. And then all of a sudden, you don't have hot water, you only have cold water. Then all of a sudden, we had no water, which sucked because you couldn't flush the toilet. And I'm like, I shouldn't have eaten Mexican.
But then I had, like, one of those moments of clarity. Because I realized, even with no amenities, no electricity, no air conditioning, no power at all, no running water, and a bowl full of soupy logs. I smiled to myself, because even with all that, I figured, you know what? We're still 2,500 years ahead of the Middle East. And... People who get offended just do it because they want attention. Like, you know that one person, no matter what you're talking about, they're like, could you not?
And wanting attention is okay. I love attention. That's why I do this for a living. I'm sure you love attention. You love attention. It's all right. But I'm sick of people in our country trying to get attention, but doing it under the guise of social or political consciousness. Like this awful Muslim woman in Florida who sued the state because she wanted her driver's license photo taken with the veil on.
What rational part of your psyche tells you that that will be an acceptable form of identification? We have to take your picture and put it on the license so if the police pull you over, they can identify you. Okay. No, they need to identify you in 2003 America, not as a stormtrooper and the empire strikes back, stupid ass. And of course, her cliched, predictable response, well, I wanted things to be just like they are in a traditional Muslim country, which would be great if I could beat her on a street corner with a stick.
And while you're at it, hand over that clitoris. You won't be using that anytime soon. And here's the kicker. She wasn't raised in Yemen or Saudi Arabia. She was an American white lady who converted a couple of years ago. Because you remember after the 93 Trade Center bombing, it was all the rave. This fraudulent, phony, middle-aged bitch just wanted a little attention. She wanted people to recognize her.
Hey, wasn't that you that I read about in the paper? Yeah, that was me. I'm surprised you recognize me. You know, now she's in port, you know, because I have a lot of religious pride. You know who else has a lot of religious pride and only shows the slits of their eyes? The Ku Klux Klan. But if one of these retards wanted their license photo taken with the little hat on, you'd laugh at them. We're not taking your picture like that.
You're dressed like a tampon. Beat it, stupid. But because it's religion, we have to act like this one might have a little merit. Let's examine it. I'm so tired of people falling back and hiding behind their religion. And I'm tired of hearing about your ethnicity. I don't care anymore. I have a lot of ethnic pride. Really? Dying a fire. I don't care. I have no ethnic pride. Now, I'm not saying I have ethnic self-hatred because I don't.
But I'm Irish. But I'm sorry. I don't automatically feel connected to other people just because their grandparents also had sex in a field during a potato famine. Why don't we just admit it? People are frightened. It's an awful world. We're scared. Looking to connect on any level. We're like a bunch of amoebas floating around. Ethnicity is just one more thing. Are you Irish? I'm Irish. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know who else is Irish? Colin Farrell. He's a millionaire who bangs models. I have to fly to Rio to pick up affordable prostitutes. What connection do we possibly have? You know when I'll believe in ethnic pride? When it gets me laid once in my chinless, meaty-breasted life. When one sexy Irish girl lifts up her skirt and says, Go on, put your face in there and take a sniff. Then I will gladly put on a little green hat and march down Fifth Avenue with the rest of the alcoholics.
Now don't get me wrong. Don't misinterpret. I'm not saying all ethnic things are bad. I love the Puerto Rican Day parade because you know where they all are. I love the Puerto Rican Day parade parade parade parade. I love the Puerto Rican parade parade parade parade parade parade. I really am a creep sometimes. 'Cause I'm a mess now, I was a mess my whole life, and I know I trashed people with OCD, but I was a twitchy little freak growing up.
I had the weirdest nervous tick you ever saw. I don't know why I would do this, but occasionally I would spin once in a circle to the right. I don't know when I started or when I stopped, but every once in a while I would have this overwhelming desire to go. Only once, I wouldn't do it two or three times. That would look stupid. And I remember one time when I was a kid playing Little League, I was probably in fifth or sixth grade, and this is absolutely true.
I'm in the outfield, I'll play right field, 'cause that's always where the best player was. I'm doing my occasional spin, and my coach screams from the dugout, "Hey Jimmy, what are you, a ballerina?" And I was so embarrassed, I had to act like I didn't hear him, 'cause there's no way to save your dignity by calling back, "No, coach, I'm not a ballerina." Like your teammates and the other team in the dugout and your family in the stands are all gonna be relieved, "Oh, all right, he's not a ballerina.
"He's spinning around for some cool masculine purpose." My friend Joe had the oddest one in history. For no reason at all, every once in a while, he would just open his mouth wide. And you'd be talking to him, "So what are you gonna do this weekend?" "I don't know, probably go to the movies." And people would ask him questions just to watch him do it. Like, "What are you doing?" "Going to the movies."
And I would love to go back in time and ask him, "What uncle snuck into your room and started that whole process?" 'Cause believe me, the first time you go, you're not happy at a birthday party. It's three o'clock in the morning and you have your tear-stained face buried in a pillow with chin stubble in your back and alcohol being breathed into your face from the side. While he whispers little threats to kill your bunny rabbit if you tell anyone.
Of course, I'm speculating. I'm not reliving a memory right in front of you. I did have a rabbit growing up, but that's a little coincidence. I think if someone threatened to, like, you know, to fuck me in the ass or kill the rabbit, I'd go, "You know what? Kill it." Simply 'cause if I let you fuck me in the ass for the rabbit, every time I look at the little fella, I'm gonna resent him. You know, maybe I'll call him over, "Come here, bunny."
And just, you know, they sit there and look at you with that stupid autistic twitch in their nose. And that would just enrage me. I'd grab him by the neck. "You motherfucker. "I took a dick for you. "And I call you. "You can't even hop, hop, hop over adorably. "You just sit there looking stupid "and drop a little hashish-looking piece of shit "on my white rug." So I'd wind up killing it myself. So when threatened with that, why not just cut out the middle man and saved my anus 10 or 12 stitches?
. Here's another example of a laugh at an awful moment. The DC Snipers, which by the way, they are now debating, the FBI is now saying that they think the DC Snipers were homosexually involved. I thought that was relatively obvious from the beginning, didn't you? I mean, two men asleep in a car in a rest area with a hole cut in the trunk. You know, they only put that hole there. They're like, all right, look, we don't have money for a motel, you get in the back of the trunk and I'll act like I'm washing the back window.
So they're debating whether or not they should give the 17-year-old, Lee Malvo, not John Muhammad, but the young guy with the really good body, should they give him the death penalty? And I think they should, 'cause he is a monster. But they said he laughed during the interrogation. Malvo was describing a shooting. Apparently he had fired at somebody and the bullet missed them and went right by their head and they heard it and swatted at it like it was a bug.
That is kind of funny. You can't blame the young man for taking lemons and making lemonade. I probably would have laughed in that spot if I were him. I mean, one time my girlfriend was going down on me and when I came, I hit her in the eye. I laughed so hard I pulled the back muscle. And man, if she would have swatted at it, you would have had to bring me to the hospital. And man, if she would have swatted at it, you would have had to bring me to the hospital.
And man, if she would have swatted at it, you would have had to bring me to the hospital. But it's not that I have a problem with gay people I really don't care if the gay lobby I don't like the gay special interests because special interest group again They're so self-obsessed and self-centered in their agendas You can't root for them like you know gay people like we want to adopt kids I'm all for that to be honest with you because I hate kids you want the little fuckers take them Yeah, it doesn't bother me my problem is that when the gay special interest group what happened was in the upper west side of Manhattan, there was a few gay father households and the little kids wanted to make Mother's Day cards So these fathers complained to the school that there was no mothers in their household so none of the kids should make Mother's Day cards So the school buckled wouldn't allow any of the children to make Mother's Day cards and they wonder why nobody wants to hear it anymore It made me sick oh you know well we're both daddies look I'm sorry if you're taking semen on the face back and ass you're a mommy You And TV does, all TV does is reinforce these stupid, corny, cutesy relationships, and it is sickening.
What's happened to TV comedy makes me want to bite somebody's face. It is so horrendous. Friends, how is Friends the number one comedy in the only country to drop a nuclear weapon? How did that happen? I couldn't laugh at that shallow garbage if you fed me mescaline and tickled me while it was on. Bunch of good-looking people in a big apartment. This is going to be a doozy. You know what Friends episode I want to see?
When Shaquille O'Neal kicks in the front door, throws acid in their faces, and teabags them. Then maybe Kobe runs in and rapes everybody. Because the days of honest human interaction and funny sitcom writing with any edge are dead. Because it's all special interest groups. They're afraid they're going to get the letter. So they soften it and it's crap. Stanford and Son was brilliant. All in the family was brilliant.
They were mean to each other. And we got it. How great was that? Fred got mad at Ann Esther told her to stick her face in dough and make gorilla cookies. That is hilarious. Do you know what an ugly bitch you have to be for your face to make a monkey impression in dough? But don't say that on TV now. Well, ugly people have feelings too. Yeah, ugly people should have feelings of self-hatred and isolation.
That's why when they were talking about cloning, who was against it? Ugly people. Why? Because they were going to be weeded out. I say they like I wouldn't be on the short list to go. I have a marshmallow body with an appendix scar. They are never scientifically recreating this on purpose. Yeah, put a weak chin on it. That's a popular model for a man. All in the family was absolutely brilliant. Archie got mad at Meathead.
He'd call him a Polak. If you said that now, the next morning you'd have 10,000 Polish people outside protesting in front of the wrong network. A bunch of misspelled signs. What the hell is rack-ism? Now, Seinfeld, I respect a lot. Because Seinfeld had a lot of artistic integrity, man. Do you guys know for one more season, NBC offered him five million an episode? And he sai