I'm not really a practical joker, but I like thinking of practical jokes. I thought of a good one. You have to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend to do this. Send an email to all your friends saying, Hey, meet us at this church in Madrid. Something big is going to happen. Then your friends come to this church in Madrid. Lights come down and just show the movie Norbit. Then leave before the lights come on. Friends are like, did we just spend $7,000 to see a movie we've seen eight times already? Because they're a nice crowd, I might invite you back to my apartment. Got a new flat screen. Watch some Nancy Grace show, huh? That's my new appealing offer to people. Got a couple of bottles of rose. Watch some Nancy Grace on my flat screen. She's so angry, Nancy Grace, man. Love that she yells at everyone. Even people that agree with her. She'll be like, tonight on our show, we're talking about a man who left a baby in a car. Then went into a strip club. Sir, I can't believe you don't have a problem with this. Oh, Nancy, I'm the one who found the baby and called the cops. Not sure why you're yelling at me. Well, you young man, you know how the car can get. Yes, I do, Nancy. I'm the baby. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. See how small I am? And I'm in a crib. What more evidence do you need? Aren't you a former prosecutor? That's a smart baby, I know. You guys are nice. We're going to go into the fucking motor. What do you call it? The home stretch. Is that what you call it? I called it the motor something. Would you guys rather go into the motor stretch or the home stretch? Because I could go either way on this one. Part of me wants to go into the motor stretch. Part of me wants to go into the home stretch. And a bigger part of me just wants to leave the stage right now. You guys have been in a nice crowd, though. Sometimes I play to bad crowds. Sometimes I'll do a show to be an actual incident in the crowd. And people always think it was set up. Someone will come up to me after the show. Hey, Todd, the thing with the dude, that was set up, right? Yeah, it was. Before I got to the club, I called ahead. I said, hey, I need you to find me a guy who can throw up on cue. Seat him near my shoes, all right? Because I've got a zinger locked and loaded. Also, we can get a 30-woman bachelorette party. So walk in a half hour late. Wearing chocolate dick helmets. Have them talk throughout my entire show. Give them repeated warnings to be quiet, but don't throw them out to the last second. And here is the important part. Make sure they confront me at the bar after the show. No, I don't want to leave at a back exit. I want to walk right through the angry mob. Make sure they're yelling things at me. Things like, we didn't do nothing. True story. I told that joke in Glasgow, Scotland, and the audience wasn't loving me the way you guys are loving me. And right after I said that part about a guy throwing up on cue, boom, right up front. Then they're like, oh, my God, he's a magic man. I hope he doesn't do a joke about the audience suddenly dying in their chairs. This joke's come to life. We're sorry. Love eating out. It's one of my favorite things to do. Some people are hard to eat with. Some people annoy the waitstaff with annoying little requests, like water with lemon. Waitress comes by, here's some water for you. Oh, not so fast. I know you think you just did the easiest thing you can do the entire night, but please, allow me to complicate it. I really need some lemon with my water. You know, the way I drink it at home. Always slicing up a lemon with each and every glass of water. I must go through 50 cutting boards a month from all that relentless lemon slicing. And they love me around the office, because I'm always a guy who goes in the break room, refills that lemon bucket. Then there are the other types of people, people who pretend they feel bad about asking a waitress for anything. Waitress comes by, can you get something else? Oh. Maybe another napkin. I feel terrible. You know, I'll just sit here with ketchup all over my face. It's cool. Oh, that's blue cheese on my eyelashes. Things got out of control with your wings. But they were lip smacking you at that. I love when food is described as lip smacking good. If you're smacking your lips while you eat, it's not because the food is good. It's because you need to learn how to eat. There's no excuse for like, oh, this food looks good. Better get your earplugs out. It's going to get loud in here. Oh, I can't help myself. I can't help myself. I can't help myself. The food is going to have to eat it like a repulsive monster. Oh, that food over there looks bad. Watch what happens. Nothing brings out the plight in me like some bad food. Sometimes if I enjoy my meal, I'll tell the waitress when she brings a check. I'm like, thanks. That was great. Like she's going to go sprinting into the kitchen. Drop your trays, everyone. Chef, you might want to put that spatula down. Remember the guy at table 84? Uh-huh. Caesar salad, dressing and croutons on the side. Two separate little plates. Exactly seven inches apart. Loved it. That's why we got in this business, huh? Boom. Boom. It's getting dangerous to eat out. Lots of salmonella scares. That tomato one, that hit me hard. It did. Because I've always hated tomatoes. And during that time, I looked paranoid when I ordered food without them. I was like, hey, can I get a burger without tomatoes? Sir, I know what you're worried about. Trust me, our tomatoes are fine. No, they're not, because they are tomatoes. Go in the kitchen, see if your tomatoes are in fact tomatoes. And if they are, uh-oh, bad news. They're not fine. They probably taste better with salmonella on them. We have great restaurants in New York. We have a Forrest Gump theme restaurant. Bubba Gump Shrimp Company. Actually went there as a goof. In the middle of my lunch, the waiter comes by and goes, so, you ready to answer some Forrest Gump trivia questions? And I wanted to give him some attitude, but he came and be like, hey, man, I didn't come to a Forrest Gump theme restaurant. 57 years after the movie came out. Because I wanted to be involved in something that was stupid. Where are you going, buddy? What are the prizes? Let's do this. I'm not leaving here without that Jenny mug I saw in the gift shop. Let's fucking do this. Saw a guy eating lunch by himself, had a whole bottle of wine by himself at lunch. I was like, wow, that's kind of sad. Then I realized, you know what, maybe there's more to the story. Maybe when they said, hey, can I get the fettuccine Alfredo, small salad to drink, I don't know, five and a half glasses of wine. The waiter's like, well, sir, if you're going to do that. Really makes more sense to get a whole bottle. The guy's like, I've heard the scam before. Trying to think the last time I heard it. I was thinking the last time I had lunch, I heard this. All right, bring me a whole bottle of wine. I'll smell the lovely bouquet with my gigantic red, veiny, bulbous nose. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. I'm going to try to get a whole bottle of wine. A germaphobe, also very lazy. It's a rough combination, lazy germaphobe. Because if the cleaning job's easy, like washing my hands, I do that compulsively, like 500 times a day. But if it's more difficult, like mopping my floor, I've never done that. I was rationalized, I said, hey, I've only been walking around the same floor for 10 years. How dirty can it be? It's not a cleaning emergency like that time I accidentally touch my pinky against my belt buckle. That's a walk out of a wedding where I was the best man. It's paralyzing being a germaphobe. Lots of places are really paralyzing to me. Laundromats have these baskets on wheels. Some guy will come in with a big bag of disgusting laundry, put it in the basket, move it into the washer. I'm supposed to take my clean laundry out of the dryer, put it in that exact same basket. It's like, I don't mind something having a dual purpose, but can't be like, hey, what's that big green box over there? Well, that's a dumpster, and we also use that to store soup. Well, I think that might be an either-or situation. I'm a germaphobe. I have a short attention span. When I get movies on Netflix, I pick them almost exclusively by running time. I'm like, oh, I heard this is good. Oh, it ain't two and a half hours worth of good. Let's see what Jim Belushi can slam out in 78 minutes. Dude keeps it tight. These movies have a wonderful economy of words. Went to a therapist in a rich area of town here, and after this session, I go, what do I owe? He goes, oh, that'll be $400. And I just did that thing you do when you wander into the wrong furniture store. I'm like, how much is that couch? That's $27,000. Oh, does that come in red? Yeah, I'm asking a fake follow-up question. To give you the illusion, I'm not mortified by what you just told me, and that I'm still in this conversation. But that's a good gig, Doc. $400 an hour for being sort of nice to sad people. Wanted to get a flu shot. Went into the nurse's room, and she goes, can I get your last name? I go, it's Barry. She goes, Barry Manilow? And I gave her a little fake laugh, you know, because she hasn't torn up the open mic circuit like I have. There was a little pause, and she goes, so what is your last name? I go, it really is Barry. Believe it or not, I wasn't setting you up for the worst joke I've ever heard in my life. Even if I had a contest where I only compared that joke to jokes that other nurses have told me. You'd come in last. You'd come in last. Saw that for Viagra. So go on our website for tips on how to talk to your doctor about getting a prescription. So you're afraid you're going to let him down or something? Hey, Doc, remember when I told you I was a sexual superhero? Of course I do, Brian. It'd be weird if I forgot that. I was treating her for a sinus infection at the time, and you just blurted it out. One of my most disturbing experiences in my 30 years as a doctor, including 29 as a trauma surgeon. They have a list of conversation starters on this website, ways to break the ice with your doctor to ask for some Viagra. I thought of a great ice-breaking question. Hey, doctor, are you still a doctor? You are. So prescriptions? Still on board with that? Cool. Get your pen out. I would like 1,000 of them. No, I'm going away for Labor Day weekend and... I'm feeling really confident. Yeah, 1,000. 1-0-0-0. 1,000. Fucking milk that joke, huh? Palms are all sweaty from milking that joke. I didn't even realize that made sense until after I said it. A magical moment we all had together. This guy's slapping his knees, doing everything right. Front row slapping. Oh, you've heard of knee slapper before. It's a real phenomenon. I don't care what they said on Mythbusters. It really happens. People need to slap their knees to get the full effect of the thing I already forgot I said. Follow me on Twitter, sir. Of course. That's the way you talk to me. Could have said yes. Could have said no. He said, of course. As if there were no choice. I do post amazing stuff there, don't I? It's really some of the best out there. A second person agreed. I posted something recently. Hey, any California foodies out there? I'm looking for a good Senegalese restaurant at the L.A. airport. People started writing back. That's not really the best place for it. Really? The L.A. airport for Senegalese food? I can't tell if you're joking or if I'm joking. I didn't just ask for Senegalese food. I asked for good Senegal
