Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Sorry' (2021) by Louis CK on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Pedophiles, We All Had the Same Problem, Half a 9-11, and Fat People at the Zoo.

Louis CK

Sorry

here's the thing men our biggest fear in life is that we're gonna get caught being a kid fucker that's every guy's biggest fear even if you would never do it every guy's like that's what's gonna happen to me I know it it's like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert like I don't go to the ocean but it's gonna happen because it's a fear not based in its likelihood but in how horrible it would be if it happened because when they catch a pedophile holy fuck holy shit it's brutal because we're scared we're so scared of pedophilia because it's here and it's not going anywhere that's a fact it's not like there's a finite amount of pedophiles and we got the last one no they keep it keeps happening every generation there's more some of you have kids and some of them are gonna grow up and fuck kids they might you know okay now of course of course not yours for some reason but they're coming from someplace so any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles not a great thought I understand it's not an uplifting you wouldn't put that on a fridge magnet or on your screensaver at your screensaver at the office there will always be pedophiles you have to start with that reality because our solutions that we have so far don't really work here's our current solution to pedophilia we wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids and then we go all right you you better cut that out that's pretty much it there's no there's no measures for preventing it none we have no policy to prevent but we're not even just like a street sign there's a street sign for everything no hunting no spitting no skateboarding I've never seen a don't don't fuck a child sign in the war I've been in all over the world not even just like a picture of a guy fucking a kid with a line through it so that it transcends language barriers I mean try it you won't get most of them with the sign but even if one out of 50 of them is like oh shit I'm sorry I didn't know it was an issue that's money well spent there's things that might work and we don't even try them like is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls okay then let them fuck your kids forever is that if that's better I'm so sorry for suggesting something that might actually work oh no let them fuck both my sons but don't make a doll that would be distasteful the thing is that this I'm still talking about it this this problem we lose things because we won't really face it you know that are important to us like the boy scouts boy scouts wonderful thing being sued out of existence because of all the kid fuckery that goes on and I know it's upsetting because look here's the thing the boy scouts is a wonderful thing for kids they go to the woods they work together they learn skills they get in touch with nature what could it be better for a boy than that but some of those guys want to fuck the kids I don't think they do it a lot it's not like there's just a shitload of kids being fucked in the boy scouts I think it's mostly that they find out that the guy wants to I don't actually know though I don't do you know why I don't know because I'm afraid to look it up I'll go to prison for typing it into a google how do you solve a problem if you're afraid to fucking look it up how how many boy scouts get fucked on a band oh shit every time I move I got to tell my neighbors that I look that up here's what happens every few years you find out there's some pedophile type people in the boy scouts and then they announce we got it we got them all we're good and then a year later there's a bunch more what's going on here at some point you got to wake up to the basic fact that the maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to fuck them maybe that's maybe that's why they're good at it maybe that's if you want that that's where you go maybe that's just the way that goes who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods you don't want to take them who else would want to do that except people that are barely containing that they want to fuck every kid in the face that's why they're good at it that's what makes them good at it I'm not saying that all scout masters are pedophiles I might be saying that the best ones are I might be saying that that sounds right so I don't know if you have to lose the whole thing just tell your kids some of those guys want to fuck you just be careful have a good time take the contribution from where it comes Michael Jackson wonderful music blessed us with wonderful music did some other things too what look what's worse a pedophile who makes beautiful music or one that doesn't this is the choices no pedophiles is not on the menu no pedophiles is not on the menu no pedophiles is not on the menu so how have you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before welcome to my life can't work can't go outside can't show your face gotta wash your groceries because I got cum on the groceries that's why I just in my mind that's what it means maybe that's what you were thinking but I have a solution for the pandemic by the way for COVID I have it this is it we test everybody first of all now every time we find somebody who has COVID you kill them that's it that's the solution you won't need another one after that one that's the final one it's been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing during COVID because you're not going to see this again and wow did we learn some shit that's really the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself I mean think about your life though as far as it's been where you have the choices where you're like I'm gonna do this I'm gonna pursue this it all goes to shit every bit of it and even when it goes right you're like why don't I like it it's what I wanted but why don't I like it because it's your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin stupid shitty hopes but when life just kicks you in the balls and you're like oh fuck everything's different now and you it shows you shit you wouldn't have looked at otherwise that's the great joy in it and what I thought was really interesting about COVID and still is is that it's the first thing I've seen where everyone on earth had the same problem every human being on earth had the same problem we never had that before that's why we don't give a shit about each other because you read like oh there's floods in Houston you're like fucking water what is it what's your problem floods what is that just walk like this what's what you can't handle some water my basement floods what the fuck who gives a shit like he's on a canoe in the street that looks like fun why is that an issue there's fires in california blow it out get fucking blow out a fire get the water from Houston and dump it down in california so I can deal with it but we all had the same problem every person from zimbabwe to tokyo to newark to honolulu everybody was doing the same dumb shit every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door trying to i gotta go in walgreens where's my fucking mask you're trying to it's got pistachio shells in it and pennies shit i'm sure it's still effective i actually like the masks because it just everybody looked nice everybody did because it's just their eyes eyes are nice you never hear somebody say that guy's got gross eyes it's really we should hide these we should keep the masks because this is disgusting how do we just with no shame look inside my face spit at a tongue and teeth it's fucking gross cover your mouth don't i'd rather look at your asshole than your mouth i really would i'd rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth assholes aren't that bad not to look at we don't like to think about assholes because like they're you know the shit and the farts and the diarrhea but that's a small portion of their time you ever really look at it once you see it like in nature it's just it's a little that's all that's your asshole it's like you know what it is it's just an aperture that's all it is that's your asshole it's like a camera shutter that's all it is it's like the opening to the james bond movies that's what your ass you ever go to lick somebody's that's what your ass you ever go to lick somebody's asshole and there's a little guy with a gun in there that was bad But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing.
The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, "Oh, I'm going out." I'm going now and a lot. Yeah, and millions died. Just, we're not that different from the turtles that you're trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway. And they're like, "This is where I fuck. I fuck over there, fuck you." And we're like, "Please, stop." Putting little signs up, "Don't go."
And he's like, "Fuck you, I'm a turtle." It doesn't, we're not that different. We're just a fucking species. And we're just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That's what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. Here's the way you got to look at it, okay? We're still making more. We're making new old ladies every day. There's a fresh batch coming. They're going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once and she was so beautiful.
I was having trouble not coming. So I pictured her face at 80 years old. And then I came immediately. I was having sex with a woman once and she died. I was having sex with a woman. And I was having sex with a woman. And I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman.
I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman.
I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman.
I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. I was having sex with a woman. And I looked that up. I'm not kidding you. It's 30 a day. It's a real problem. I'm serious. A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It's not random.
It's one guy that won't stop doing it. Yeah, we liked counting them. We liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn't know how to count them anymore. People trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really about 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID. So people started saying this. This is 9/11 every day. This is literally 9/11 every day.
When did we start measuring deaths in 9/11s? When did that become the new how many football fields long is it? For mass death. How many 9/11s was World War II? Can we look it up? I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9/11s. 9/11 wasn't that bad. It was just one. Only one 9/11 of people died on 9/11. That's like nobody died that day. See, it's all relative. Because then you have those later. Remember January