Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Skanks for the Memories' (2003) by Dave Attell on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Dave Attell

Skanks for the Memories

Please give a huge Denver welcome, Mr. Dave Attell! Thank you. Thank you very much, everyone. Thank you. Well, I've got kind of an odd look. I've got kind of like a Andre Agassi with a drinking problem kind of look. I actually shaved my head one time 'cause I thought it would make me look tough, you know, like a bouncer or Israeli. And this woman came up to me, she's like, "You know what? You look like a gigantic baby."
And I'm like, "Wah! I want some pussy! Wah!" "Bring on the pussy!" Mmm. Yep. There's some problems in this country, you know what I'm talking about. Even as we're all sitting here, somewhere out there somewhere, girls are going wild. Have you seen that tape? I like to play it backwards 'cause then it looks like the girls have learned their lesson. Being a drunk tramp isn't for me. Miss, give it a chance.
I just got up here. To you listening at home, there's people already leaving. I can't believe it. I didn't know you were in Girls Gone Wild. I'm sorry about that. Drink it up, people. Drink it up. Yep. Here's some drinking tips. Never get drunk when you're wearing a hooded sweatshirt. 'Cause you will eventually think there's someone right behind you. Here's something else I've learned drunk. There's no way ever to talk your way out of wiping your ass on someone's pillow.
Even if you yell surprise. Own up to it, be a man. You ever black out when you're drinking, or as I call it, time travel? Yeah. You're in a bar, you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in McDonald's. Working there about three years. Still not assistant manager. You want to quit, but you're banging that girl on the fry later.
They say she's retarded, but those titties ain't retarded. I'm sorry, is that an Eminem tune? I don't know. Yeah. You guys are drunk too, this is good. Where are the drunks? Here? Where are they? How about the potheads? Are the potheads around here? There you go. We finally meet. The drunks and the potheads, they rarely get together, except on that show Blind Date. Now I'm a drinker, man. There's only one drink I don't like.
Eggnog. How did they think that up? I want to get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes. Do you know what eggnog really is? You're not going to want to hear it, but I'll tell you. Elf cum, that's what it is. You might as well pour it on your back and slap yourself on the ass. But I don't want to tell you how to live your life, all right? You do what you do, all right? All the great writers were alcoholics, am I right?
Hemingway, that other guy. Where are the great pothead writers? I'm sure they're out there, but do you really want to read a whole book by a pothead? 500 pages on why if you put a hat and glasses on a dog, it looks like he could drive a truck. Nobody cares. But I think pot should be legal, I do. And I think if your cousin is super hot, you should be able to fuck one time. All right, I took it a little too far, sorry.
This is when the fun happens, late. You ever hang out all night long and then you go home a little early? Yes, sir. Then you get that call the next day? You know that call. You should have hung out, man. What happened? Oh. Ten minutes after you left. It's always ten minutes after you leave when all the fun shows up. Like the Funmobile's a block behind you at all times. Full of strippers and midgets and balloons and every type of fun imaginable.
Ten minutes after you left, the Dixie Chicks broke in and fucked everybody. Even the fat boy with asthma wearing the Babylon 5 t-shirt got a handjob. And it's never gonna happen again. After I heard that, I started to cry. Mostly 'cause I sat on my balls. Have you ever done that? So I travel a lot. I hate traveling. I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. Stay with me. Some things are the same wherever you go.
Like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick. Mmm, the jury's out. The crowd is divided on that one. I was in Dayton, Ohio. You ever been there? Yeah? That's a fun thing to do there. Pack up and get the fuck out of there. It's boring. During the day we played the game of horseshoes. Have you ever played that game? Yeah. That must have been invented before fun. 'Cause it's not.
There's only two ways for that game to end. Either this sucks, let's do something else. Or, ow, you hit me with the horseshoe. You ruined my night vision. Here's a travel tip. Never ever pack when you're high. You get there, you open your bag, nothing matches. For the whole trip all you have to wear is a Hawaiian shirt, an oven mitt, and a lava lamp. That's all you got. The rest of the bag is full of cookie dough and Hot Wheels trucks.
And for some reason, an anal thermometer. I didn't even know they still made those. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport, a place to buy a piece of luggage. How late do you have to be for a flight? Where you're like, fuck it, just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport. Put on a few layers and we'll figure it out at the airport. And bring a poncho. I fly all the time, you know.
In fact, I have a nickname in the airport. They call me Random Bag Check. Because I look like a terrorist, you know. In fact, the security guy goes, he goes, you know, you should look less threatening when you fly. Less threatening. Less threatening. What am I supposed to do? Walk around holding a balloon in a Hello Kitty lunchbox? I'm going on the fly fly. How do these freaks get on our airplanes?
Can't they tell they're up to no good when they call up to get a seat like you and me? I mean, really. Hello? I'd like to make a reservation. Oh, no. One way. Inside joke. My name? Hold on, please. No. That's a J as in jihad. Oh, as in overthrow your government. If you're afraid of terrorism, the way to go is by bus. Have you ever been to a bus station? It's freaky, huh? People walking around dirty, filthy, wearing rags, babbling, shaking.
No terrorist will take out a bus station. They get down, they look around, they're like, "Damn, someone's already done this bitch." I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading "Ta Da Magazine." A magazine by and for gay magicians. But that's another story. Guy comes up to me. He's only got one tooth. Just one. And he's not even taking good care of it. You figure when you're down to your last tooth, it's your baby in a bit.
Not this fucker. He's like, "Hey man, can I help you?" I'm like, "Help me do what? Remember to brush and floss regularly? Or give a prison blow job? What?" He's like, "No man, I thought you needed directions." Hey, you know, if I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. 'Cause he definitely knows the easiest way to get there. Yup, if there's a shortcut, that one-legged fucker knows where it is.
You won't be hopping fences, neither. I'm sorry, but I love a one-legged man. That is a good look. So manly. A one-legged man, he always looks like he's gonna kick your ass, but then he'd fall down and you'd have him. He always looks like he's come a long way to tell you something really important. Come over here. Listen, listen! It's slippery outside. Trust me, I only got one leg. Now turn me. East.
That guy's got information. You see a guy with one tooth, what does he know? Nothing. Um... Taffy is delicious. I love taffy. Hey, can you help me start this apple? Come on, help me out. You ever make fun of someone so much you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? I've got a midget friend, an albino friend, and another friend who thinks Lord of the Rings is real. Together we call ourselves the unfuckables.
Now... Coming this fall to Fox, the unfuckables! People are so defensive, especially women, you know. Come on, ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. You know what she says to me? She goes, "Oh, do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I'm like, "I'm just trying to be nice." If I was going to give you something you need, it would be mustache wax and a t-shirt that says one cock at a time.
Alright? Wow. Wow! I think it's hard for you ladies, you know, because you go see these movies and you think these Brad Pitt's and Will Smith's and Leonardo DiCaprio Cox are going to come waltzing off the screen into your life, taking out all fancy to like an Olive Garden or Pizzeria Uno or something and make love to you with a condom without fingering your asshole and... ...then call you within a week?
Well, wake up! They don't have the time. I do. I'm getting old people, I'll tell you that. By this age, I'm 37. Yeah, I am. There you go. Yeah, well, see me after the show then. Alright. By this age, I didn't think I'd be doing comedy. I thought I'd be living in Hawaii, driving a red sports car with my black friend who flies a helicopter. Solving murders. Anybody got tattoos here? Tattoos? You do?
Cool, what do you got? A bird. That's neat. Tells us something about you, right? You like animals? Where is it? It's on my back. It's on your back, cool. Now, tattoos are great 'cause they don't belong on your body, but you put them there to say something about yourself. Like, I met this girl, let's call her some dumb skank. Now, she had tattoos. All over her body. Even around her cooch, yes! On one side a palm tree and on the other a sunset.
Like it was on vacation or something. But tattoos are cool. What do you got? How about scars? You got scars. Alright, I think you're looking for the women's outreach program. That's down the street. Good luck. Oprah will be with you in a moment. Tattoos are cool because, you know, they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. You see that?
That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it. I cry. I'm out. Hot dog eating contest. I'm listening. Yeah. So my friends want me to start jogging. You know, that's the way to lose weight. I'm not into jogging. Not because I'm against the jogging. It's just that joggers are always the ones that find the dead body. You never find a dead body when you're sitting at home eating ice cream watching porno, do you?
I was changing porno tapes and I saw a foot. I dropped the lube and called the cops. Now everybody's doing yoga. That's not for me. No. If I want my legs behind my head, I'll just go to jail. You know? Welcome to Oz, bitch. I smoke cigarettes too. I know that's wrong, but hey, what can you do, right? They're getting expensive, aren't they? Yeah. I live in New York City. Eight bucks a pack. Yeah. Every time I buy a pack, I'm thinking for another two, I could be smoking crack.
But there are times when you need a cigarette. Like after you make love. After you make love to a beautiful woman or a confused young man. You need a cigarette. You don't make hot love and go, "Woo, that was amazing. Would you like some Skittles? How about a Jolly Rancher? Give me an onion, a shoelace, and a Mr. Coffee, and I'll make you some hobo chili." Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there's such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
The other night I had the lonely book, so I got to this bar. I see a beautiful woman alone. I'm thinking, "She's alone. I'm alone. Why not annoy the shit out of her?" So I walk over. I'm walking. I'm wearing clogs. And I notice she's got a black eye. She's got a shiner. I'm thinking, "Great. She doesn't listen." "Well, stay with me. Stay with me. Easy. Boogly. Watch out. A couple of McNuggets and lies later, we're back at my house.
And we're having sex doggy style. Now, I didn't plan on it. That's just how she passed out. Thank you, Slow Gas League. Did everybody get it who's gonna get it? Okay. Then let's move on. Fellas, have you ever had the experience of a woman yelling another man's name out in the height of passion? Well, this