Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Showtime Stand-up Comedy Patrice O'Neal' (2002) by Patrice O’Neal on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 1/1.

Oh, shit, thanks for coming. Yes. Look, man, try your best to have a good time. Try your best. I'm not saying have a good time because that's not necessarily what's going to happen. But try your best. All right? I'm not no asshole, but sometimes I mess up, man. And I try to love people, man. I swear to you. I'm a loving person. But sometimes things happen. I'm watching, look, man. I'm watching the worst floods on TV in the history of America.
In North Carolina. And I'm watching the news and they had rednecks on TV just, you know, just, you know, drowning, you know. And they were being interviewed on the news, you know, like, God damn it. And I lost everything. We tried to stack sandbags without each other. But it didn't work. The water just overtook our efforts and I lost everything. My dog died. I didn't know what to do. And I swear, man, I'm not no asshole.
I started crying, you know. I cried because I couldn't give a fuck. I tried my best. I really did. I'm like, oh. Oh. Oh, Jesus. Oh. Oh, man. I don't give a fuck. What's wrong with me? It's painful. But let me tell you something, man. Here's the thing about why I said try and have a good time. Because when you get adult, all you can do is try to have a good time. You know what I'm saying? Remember the good old days when you was a kid and you seen somebody with a funny-shaped head?
And you pointed right at the head. Like, it was nothing in you to stop from pointing at that funny head that made you, oh, jeez, look at that funny-shaped head right there. It wasn't that bullshit in you to stop. You know, like, now we adults. You still want to point at a funny-shaped head. But now you're, all right, I can't. I can't point at someone's funny head. But your first feeling is your real feeling.
You know what I'm saying? That other shit is you trying to trick God some way into thinking you a wonderful person. You know what I'm saying? But that first feeling of, look at that big funny head, that's the real. You know what I mean? Now, I'm watching a talk show. They had the 1,000-pound man on, right? He was 1,000 pounds. That was it. Now I'm 300 pounds. So that means this dude was three of me and another dude with pneumonia.
And he was just laying there. That's what he was doing. That was his job, just to be on the show and just... With his big 9X T-shirt he had on. And he was just... And people in the audience crying. You know what I mean? They were just... You know, I'm... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He's... He's 1,000 pounds? What... What happened? Exactly. He ate. He ate... Until he couldn't move no more. You don't catch 1,000 pounds.
Nobody stick you with a dirty needle to give you 1,000 pounds. You eat. Motherfucker, that's a half a ton. That's a... Now, I did my research. A half a ton is a baby killer whale or a full-grown sea lion is 1,000 pounds. You know what? We kill horses for less. For a hurt anchor, we'll shoot a horse. But we let this dude grow... Until he's just useless. Look, I got rules to my fatness, right? This is my rule.
If I get... This is my thing. If... If I eat... That's why I'm gonna kill myself because I'm taking up too much of your air and too much of your space. If under my stomach, I start to grow an ass in the... in the front. I'm gonna kill myself because I know that I'm not gonna lose and do what I have to do to lose an ass in the front. I'm having trouble getting rid of the real stomach. I can't... I'm not gonna exercise to remove an ass.
This dude... You're not supposed to be going to turn your drawers backwards because it fits better. Your drawers fit better because the ass is... because the ass is nicer. You see people like that with an ass in the front. All right, whatever, right? But this dude, he had titties everywhere. On his... Am I lying to you? On his neck, on his shoulders, his elbows. And I... I couldn't... I was getting horny.
Watch. I was... I was sitting there like... And you know you don't want to, but I'm like, man, he's just full of tits. Look at his tits. Hmm. God is hilarious. He gave me a disease where I could die from all the stuff I like to eat. The doctor didn't go, uh, uh, Mr. O'Neil, uh, if you ever eat Brussels sprouts and spinach again, you... you could die. Oh, my... Oh, my God, no. All this shit I'd like I could pass away from.
A pack of cookies could kill me. Now, I found out five years ago I was diabetic, so you figure I haven't eaten cookies in five years. But it's not the case. I'm walking through... I'm walking through the supermarket and I see, uh, some white chocolate-covered Oreos. And that's death. You understand? That's... That's heroin and... and Coke and everything for me. And you figure I'll walk right by like, what the fuck is this?
This is... This is... I could die from this. Who put this display here? But it's not... I'm not. I'm sitting there. I'm shaking. I'm... You know, I'm praying to God. I'm praying to God for the strength. I'm wasting a good prayer not to eat cookies. I'm not praying that people in Africa get... get food. I'm like, oh, God, please. Please give me the strength not to eat these cookies. And I'm lactose intolerant, but if I eat these cookies, I gotta have some milk.
I... I got to. So I'm, you know... But I don't want to die, but, you know, you gotta tell yourself something to make you feel better. Like, you know what? You know what? Fuck it. I don't need both my feet. One day I'm gonna lose weight. It's harder when you get older. When you get old, it's hard to lose weight, man, because, you know... Now I have to lose weight to stay alive, you know? And that's not enough motivation for me.
Look, you gotta lose weight or you're gonna die. Oh, shit. Oh. Really? Oh, man. When I was younger, it was easier because the motivation was different. Pussy. When I was trying... When you tried to drop a few to get some pussy, you did everything you could. You was rocky when you was trying to get some pussy. And... Because you get... When you're younger, man, the whole thing is... And I say, you know, look, no offense, I say pussy, right?
Because when you were young in high school, you wasn't trying to get, you know, vagina. You was... You were trying to get some pussy. I gotta get some pussy. So you're trying your best to just... You know? So I tried everything, man. You know? Everything in the world. And I used to look at guys, role models, dudes with my role model who got girls. They were good at it. Meaning they got girls that wasn't even an effort.
You know? Like if your name is Tony, girls could not... This is the sign where you're one of those dudes. Girls can't just go, hello. They gotta sing your name. They have to. You know? Hi, Tony! And I'm sitting there like, damn. I just do Tony high school. He'd get dates. He would get a date. I swear to y'all, I used to watch him like a hawk. He'll smack a girl in the back of the neck. Bap! And she'd be like, ouch, motherfuckin' and look back and be like, Tony, why...
Why you hit me in the back of the neck? That was... You wanna go to movies? Yeah. When? When you get paid. I used to be in the back watching him, looking, you know, yeah. Yeah, that's it. That's how you do... That's how you get girls. Smack them in the back of the fuckin' neck. What? What was I thinking? Because I used to do all type of shit. I was poetry man. I used to write poetry to get girls, you know.
And pictures. The pictures, too. Like, if I, you know, if I wrote, I cherish you, I would draw a chair. Plus-ish. An eyeball. I draw an eyeball and a chair. Oh, that's so cute. Oh, look at that. That's wonderful. But this new shit, I'm like, yeah. But whatever he did, that wasn't my shit. You know? It didn't go like... You ever watch the original Frankenstein? And the little girl, he was playing with this little girl, and the little girl had a flower, she threw in the water, and it floated.
And Frankenstein just was like... And he took her and threw her in the water, but she sunk. And he's just like... He getting burned and shit with torches. That's me, hitting girls in the back of the neck. And I was anxious. And I was like... And I always find a way to hit her in the part of the neck that makes her fall in a coma and smash her face open. Everybody's like, What the fuck is wrong with you?
And I'm like... And I'm like... Shit. Women bring all type of stress to the motherfucker, right? Y'all, come on. Stop. Stop. Damn. Women don't want to be sex objects. Reconsider from time to time. Reconsider. Because it helps us. It helps guys. It helps us out of this violent streak we got guys that just get violent. Anytime I'm getting violent, I see a woman with a nice ass. That shit calms me down.
And it brings men together because a nice ass is some kind of thing that men have with a nice ass. You can't enjoy a nice ass by yourself. If you see a nice ass alone, it's the weird... It's no good. You can't. You need somebody else. You're looking, but you start looking for somebody else. And I've been all over the world, man. White guys have a signal for nice ass. And it doesn't even involve verbal contact.
It's just like, you don't want to talk to me, but you want to enjoy a woman's ass with me. So you're just very careful. This is a universal white guy's signal for nice ass. A woman walks by. Don't confuse that with nice titties. Nice titties is... I turn into a ventriloquist when I see that nice ass. I'm like, God damn! Oh, shit! Y'all can help us, ladies. I'm serious. When we got that violent street shit, it's the strangest thing.
You ever get violent for nothing? For no reason? Is that the weirdest feeling? You know, stand next to somebody at a bus stop or something, some dude you don't know, you look at him, you go, hey, man, how you doing? You look back, hey, good, good. Then you look back again and your brain's like, hey, hey, you know, it'd be a good time for you to punch him in the side of the fucking head. And you're like, what?
To yourself? What the fuck you talking about? And you only want to punch him because he's standing there not ready to get punched. So you're just like, oh, man, you got to punch him in his head. This dude, he's disrespecting you, man. You know what? This dude ain't paranoid enough. You got to punch him in the side of his head to let him know that there's people out there that'll punch him in his head.
He's not even, he's not even using his peripheral. You know what? He ain't even scared of you. You should punch him and let him know you got to be scared of me, motherfucker. You don't just stand there and not pay attention to the fact that I want to punch in the side of your head. You got to be paranoid of people out there, man. You got to look, look just like this. Don't let people guilt you into death.
I see Arabs on the train, I watch them. Do you understand me? If they got bags and shit and they get up and walk away, hey, hey, hey, you left your bag, man. You left your bag, sir. You left your bag. What? What do you mean I left? You left your fucking bag. It's garbage. No, get your bag. Why? Because it might be a bomb. I don't trust you. I'm watching you. White guys are good for that shit. Y'all are good for that guilty shit.
That's your punishment for racism, guilt. White guys are so afraid to be a racist. I'm telling you, you see a few black guys walking towards you in an area you don't belong in, run. But you can't run. See black guys coming, I don't want to assume that these young men are going to beat me in my face. I don't want anybody accusing me of racism. So they got to wait to get beat up first before they can even think about running.
My advice, run, get home, feel guilty, but be alive. Alive and guilty is a good thing because if I see five bald white dudes walking towards me, I ain't going to wonder if they got cancer, I'm going to go... I'm going to go, those look like skinheads, I'm getting the fuck out of here. And I'm not going to come back even if they pretend they got cancer. Oh, dude, oh. No, d