Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Reset' (2012) by D.L. Hughley on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Rahway, Nj, Republicans, The World Is Different, Prostate Exam, and Tiger Woods.

D.L. Hughley

Reset

Put your hands together for Mr. D.L. Hughley! How you doing, New Jersey? Go sit down, y'all sit down, y'all sit down. What a beautiful theater, god damn. Rawway, New Jersey, man. First time I ever heard a Rawway was Scared Straight. Remember that shit? Oh. Going to prison, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do nothing. I can't think of nothing that's fun to do with another naked dude. I can't think of no.
Fuck that. Even if we're in the shower together, we're gonna fight. I'm like, motherfucker, put a towel on, uh, a poncho or something. These young cats ain't even scared to go to jail no more. They say dumb shit like snitches get stitches. Yes, that's true, but they also get immunity from prosecution too. Snitches go home for Christmas. That the fuck snitches do? I'm watching the Republican debates.
That's my new favorite TV show, man. I Never governor Christie of New Jersey decided he wasn't gonna run for president, which is amazing. That's true. Yeah Let's be honest that motherfuckers never ran a day in his life If you could roll for president, but you I Know the Republicans upset, but the White House cook was happy as fuck you know Just the thought I'm making all in pancakes to make it. Oh I Did not think he was too fat to be president I didn't like people always do bad to be present He looks like the average American he does you you've been to Walmart Course it would be difficult getting used to the president giving the State of the Union speech now one of those little scooters fat people like with With the cup holder on God bless you and God bless the United States of America Is the buffet still open?
Donald Trump Donald Trump wanted to host the Republican debates Donald Trump hosting a debate is like Flavor Flav hosting a spelling bee I want to see the president's birth certificate. I want to see the receipt for your hairpiece. How about that shit? I want to know why your lips look like little light switches. How about that? Then he says some asinine bullshit. If I were president, I would tell China they're taking advantage of America to knock it off China underwrites 60% of America's debt.
They're a fucking landlord Talk shit to your landlord. See how that shit go. I Don't like the way you doing things you kind of move Chinese people are hard to negotiate with ain't they? You ever tried to get an extra pack of soy sauce on one of them motherfuckers? Newt Gingrich's wife came on ABC and said that he wanted an open relationship Wow, so newt Gingrich's like women. He brag on what he do all the time and he buy a lot of jewelry.
That ain't a fucking president. That's a rapper I might not vote for you, but I'm a buy your next album Why house times have changed now? You had the president of the United States a young black Democrat singing about love and fidelity and staying together Then you got an old Republican singing. I got holes in different area code Now newt Gingrich said that well, you know janitors are well paid So we should take the jobs of the janitors and give them to the children so that I learned the value of work My father was a janitor raised four kids now here's the thing.
I know and a lot of cats in my neighborhood They were also raised by janitors. So if you're Fucking idea is to take their jobs and give them to us. What do we do with them? Like because the quickest way to make a man lead a house is to devalue him And now while they should learn to be generous no janitor and ever fucking live wanted his son to learn how to be a fucking janitor That's just Who teaches that this broom was handed down from generation?
Janitors are a fucking thankless job you clean up after people shit nobody even appreciates it Just ask the president Herman Cain whatever happened Herman Cain man, I Haven't seen a black do fall off that fast after they found out. He was a fake since Milli Vanilli Remember when white people thought Herman Cain could be president and black people was at home going Oh Because we all got uncle like Herman Cain Everybody got that uncle for five minutes.
They make sense and then after you go. What the fuck are you talking about? Libya, Libya Black people know that any man blinked that much is fucking lying And I actually have no problem with black republicans. It's just that I don't see them a lot like they're not around all the time You only see them every four years like like leap year And they all fucking looking like Michael steel Clarence Thomas Herman Cain and you never see them at the same time I think they the same motherfucker Thank you.
The world is so much different, man. Nothing's like it was. Remember when the captain used to go down with the ship? Not no more, huh? If you're an American CEO or an Italian cruise ship captain, you save yourself. Fuck that. That captain got off the ship. I fell into the lifeboat. And then... And then it made it to my house and I had dinner and I fell asleep. One of the passengers, he was married and he gave his life vest so his wife could live.
And women were, "Oh, that is so romantic. That is, that's loving and wonderful." And my wife was like, "I'm sure she loves him just as much." Oh yeah? Oh yeah? How come they didn't flip a coin for it then? They could at least play rock, paper, scissors, somebody. I'm not... Of course, I love my wife and I would die for her. I just wouldn't do it happily. I would talk a little shit. If I'mma drown, you're gonna hear from me, god damn it.
Let me talk to the kids. You know, your daddy gotta die 'cause your mama wouldn't take swimming lessons. She didn't want to fuck up her hair, so... Well, I guess I'm out of here. I would be mean, too. I'm not just gonna die. I'mma give you something to think about, shit. I'd be saying all kind of mean shit. Boom, I should have fucked your sister. Oh, oh! Things we used to be able to count on, we can't count anymore.
When we were growing up, they said if you want to be a positive member of society, you go to church, you play sports, and you go to school. Now, between Penn State, Syracuse, and Catholic priests, I'mma take my chances on the streets. With the dope dealers and the hoes. 'Cause when a dope dealer try to fuck me, it's just out some money. Remember, there was a 13-year-old dude in Syracuse, he was a ball boy, said he was molested from the time he was 13 till 28.
Now I ain't no fucking mathematician. But if you're getting fucked at 28, you got a boyfriend, that's all the fuck I'm saying, that's... Can't even tell jokes no more. My man Tracy Morgan told a joke about gay people. Almost cost him his job. That's fucking ridiculous. And that's amazing, 'cause gay people can take a dick, but the joke is out of the question, I just... That hurt, and that didn't? You gonna have to get your priorities together, that's...
That hurt, and that didn't? You gonna have to get your priorities together, that's... That hurt, and that didn't? That hurt, and that didn't? That hurt, and that didn't? That hurt, and that didn't? My wife knew I was horrified at a doctor. She said, "You haven't been to the doctor in four years." So I said a physical effort. So I go to the doctor, he says, "You're in your 40s, so you're gonna need to take a prostate examination."
But he called it a digital exam, which I thought meant camera. But he don't. He came in there with a rubber glove and KY jelly in his hand. I'm like, "What the fuck you gonna hold that camera with all that goddamn jelly on your hands?" Then he told me something that was amazing. He said that black and Latin men die of prostate cancer at a 60% higher rate than virtually any other ethnicities. They have no idea what they're attributed to.
They don't know if it's our diet or hormones or lifestyle. We're down of a disease that most men who live long enough will die with and we die of, 'cause we let fear and ignorance kill us. You know brothers and Latins, "I ain't let nobody put their finger in my ass. It's fucked up 'cause the world got their foot in my ass, so you got room." So I let him do it. I hurt him in the back. Go, "Relax, you're hurting my finger."
I go, "Motherfucker, you let go, I let go. That's the way that shit's going." That shit hurt so bad, I went home and apologized to my wife. This is some shit I'm never gonna ask you to do again. No wonder you hate my birthday so much. Don't act like it's just me. Fuck y'all. Hey girl, it's my birthday. I don't wanna do it. My iron is low. I'll do something else. I'll do something else. I'll do something else.
I can't do that. I'll do something else. You ever heard him do that? I'll do something else. I'll do something else. I can't. Please let me do something else. I'll let you take pictures of everyone. I'll do something else. I'll do something else. This is fucking horrible. I can't. I'll do something else. Then they do what's called a PSA test, prostate-specific antigen test. The doctor said everything felt okay.
I don't anticipate any problems. If they are, I'll call you. He curled me earlier the next morning. I don't want to alarm you. Motherfucker, you just did. But your number came back abnormally high. I need you to see a urologist. At this point, I freak out, so my wife take over. Is the urologist an expert? I went, "Fuck that. Is his fingers small?" And I do this shit two days in a row. I'm going to be chapped.
I'll do something else. I said, "Mr. Hughley, you have to come in. We have to rule out prostate cancer." So my wife, of course, went with me. He said, "The only way to rule out prostate cancer is you have to have a biopsy." I'm like, "What is that?" "Well, cut some pieces of prostate out. We'll send it to the lab, get an answer as quick as we can." I said, "You're going in through the back? No one's going to need to go in through your penis."
No, you're not. I promise you, you're not. Can't you do something else? He said, "It's okay. You can stay awake. Motherfucker, if I'm awake, you ain't going to be. Like, you're not going to touch my dick and keep your teeth. Like, so what do you feel about Penn State? So I let him do it and it hurts, but the worst part is waiting for the results. You ever had to wait for the fucking medical results?
And the nurse always calls you with her cryptic ass, "The results are in." Hey, you need to perk up. What the fuck is wrong with you? Well, what do they say? I am not at liberty to discuss—" What the fuck did you call me for, then?" You have to come down. The doctor will not discuss it over the phone, so that's a long fucking ride. My wife gets the kids together. He said, "We are going as a family, whatever it is, we'll face it."
So we walk into the doctor's office, he sits down and he goes, "Well, Mr. Hughley, you don't have prostate cancer, but you have. There's a condition called prostatitis." My wife, "Oh my God, what is that?" Well, women get bladder infections, men will commonly get prostate infections. The first question she asks, "Is he going to die?" "No, just 12 weeks antibiotics, he'll be fine." So my wife sends the children out of their room, and as soon as they were gone, this holy and sanctified woman turned to the doctor and said out loud, "How'd this motherfucker get it?"
'Cause prostatitis sounds like you get it from a prostitute, don't it? At which point I passed out, "Oh, my prostatitis is hurting, I can't." He said, "Well, you can get it to bacteria that travel through the urethra, you can get it from a stress." She goes, "Can you get it from fucking another bitch?" And I passed out again, "Oh, my iron is low, it's low. I can't take the pills, they make me cuss, depending on how I do something else, I won't."
it's funny like we love people one minute and then we tear them down like America couldn't have loved Tiger Woods more than they did five years ago I found out the man like pussy everybody lost they got them an athlete who like pussy hmm that never happens Tiger had sex with 15 women they were all white so Tiger don't need marriage counseling he need diversi