Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Professional Humoredian' (2008) by Doug Benson on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 15/15.

If I was such a dumb pot smoker, could I do this? Check this out. This is amazing. This is gonna knock your dicks in the dirt. Even those of you who don't have a dick, you're gonna grow one, it's gonna get knocked in the dirt, you're gonna pick it up, you're not gonna brush it off 'cause you're gonna be like, "I don't need this." Here we go. Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington.
Yeah! Yes! Those are the 12 states where medical marijuana is legal. And the rest of the states are dead to me. I will memorize them when they get their shit together. Are you listing people in other states who might acquire this recording somehow? Oh, man, I got some political shit ready to go. As soon as I look at it, I'm gonna know exactly what it is. The next time there's an election, you guys, I think the presidential one is happening next.
In November-ary. When you go in there to vote, take a magic marker and write across your ballot in big letters, "I love weed." And then shove it in the thing, make your voice be heard. by people who will go, "Why did they do that to this ballot? Why did they do that to this ballot? That doesn't count for anything." People, someone just the other day, someone just the other day asked me, "Who are you voting for president and why?"
And I said, "That is my personal business "and because he's black." That's what I said. 'Cause I am sick of this Hillary Clinton, Obama fighting nonsense. We need one solid, let's do one equal rights leap at a time. Let's go, let's put the black dude in now and we'll put a lady in next time around. Hillary, step the fuck down. 'Cause it's just, McCain's gonna slip in there. While Obama and Hillary are like, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
McCain, McCain. No, McClain is gonna step in there. Die Hard Five is gonna be about... Campaign slogan, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." And a fictional character is gonna become President of the United States. And of all the major structures, we know Nakatomi Plaza. Nakatomi Plaza. Fuck, I fucked that up. Nakatomi Plaza's gonna be safe. Oh, shit. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, I know. The reason I'm an Obama man, oh, that sounded super gay.
I'm an Obama man. No, I don't save the Obama for my mama. No, I like Obama because he says that marijuana, he said decriminalized, came out of his mouth somewhere at some point. Decriminalized, you know, I'll settle for that 'cause there's no other major, you know, could possibly win it presidential nominee person. Hillary Clinton can't legalize marijuana. Then she'd have a stupid stoner on her hands.
Four years in the White House of him sitting on the couch playing Xbox covered in Cheeto dust. She doesn't need... She doesn't need that. - Women say that the number one thing they look for in a man is what? - Honesty. - Sense of humor, idiot. Honesty might be way up there, though. Might be number three or four with a bullet. - Climbing up the charts, it's honesty. It's going, it's rocketing right past.
- Maturity. That was one of the better Casey Kasem impressions you're ever going to hear, so. Congratulations. I don't even know what I was talking about. Oh, no, women say, women like to say that the number one thing they look for in a man is sense of humor. And I happen to know that women who say that are lying liars who are lying. I'm a professional humor-edian. I have done the research, and I know what women are really looking for are large panessises and lots and lots of cash.
But it's not ladylike to walk around going, "I like cocks and money." So you have to say, in lieu of cocks and money, "Cocks and money!" You have to say, "Sense of humor." And then that confuses ignoramuses like myself, because I think, "Oh, all I need is a sense of humor. Boom, I'm in. All I got to do is say something funny." I came up with a pickup line that has had 100% failure rate. It has offended every woman I've said it to.
It's so offensive, I don't even want to say it to you guys, because you're a nice crowd, came out on a Sunday. "Oh, you talked me into it." It's going to sound like your fault on the record. I go up to a woman at a bar and I say, "Excuse me, miss, my dick just died. Would you mind if I buried it in your ass?" "That is clever and original, and somehow it never works." "What up with that?" And you go to movies, and pickup lines in movies work all the time, because it's in the script, everybody plays along, right?
Like, I saw that movie, "Derailed" with Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston, and he goes up to her in a bar, and he's all smooth and British-y, and he's like, "I'll bet you $20 that I could kiss you without touching your lips." Yeah, she's pretty good in that one. I don't know what happened during awards season, but she got fucked. And then, he just leans in and kisses her, just, just plants one on her.
And then he goes, "That was worth every penny." I mean, it doesn't sound as creepy as I do when he says it. "That was worth every penny. Oh, that was good. I'd like to leave my socks on." "Uhhhhhh! Uhhhhhh! Uhhhhhh!" But I just know if I tried that pickup line, I'd totally screw it up. I'd be like, "Hey, lady, I bet you $5 that I could put my penis in your vagina without fucking you." "Wait, I screwed it up.
I meant $20. Where are you going, dude? I mentioned my dick died. Come back. February's almost over. It's a short-ass month. Black history, yo!" Do we have any pot smokers here tonight? Are there any pot smokers? Any at all, just shout out or applaud. I'm a deaf comedian, ladies and gentlemen. I ask you questions where I cannot possibly judge your response. It sounded like there was a lot of you, and I say congratulations to each and every one of you for getting out of the house.
That is awesome. You guys do have cable, am I right? You could have stayed home and just watched TV, but you came out tonight. I'm so proud of each and every one of you. I think marijuana should be legalized because regular cigarettes you can buy in any store are worse for you. Every pack, your four, what? That was a weird place to go woo. That woo really fucked my shit up. I'm going to have to start over.
You guys might know me from best week ever on VH1 where I say things like, hey, did you hear Britney Spears is getting back together? Fast paced show. Regular cigarettes are worse for you. Regular cigarettes are worse for you. Every pack's got a warning on the side. Every pack's got a warning on the side. You buy pot, and it's always in a clear plastic bag with no warning whatsoever. Maybe the guy's selling it to you will say something like, this is really bad shit.
Well, all right. That is a warning I can live with. I didn't hear the word cancer anywhere in that warning. I think my baby is going to be safe. I can't have a baby. I'm a man. People go, oh, oh, that poor baby. That's, that is a poor baby if it's in a man. That is messed up. Did you see the pregnant dude on Oprah? She's all, a pregnant man. That's probably the worst Oprah impression that's ever been attempted.
Ladies and gentlemen, a pregnant man. I am Oprah. He turned out to be like a tranny or a hemaphrodite. Penis, penis and vagina is what that means. Hemaphrodite. Hemaphrodite can't have a baby. A baby needs Google maps just to get out. What do I do? Do I take a fork in the road? Do I take the, do I take the small tunnel or the smaller tunnel? People say pot smokers are lazy. I'm a multitasking pot smoker.
Yeah, that's right. That's right, America. Or some of America that's in this room right now. That's right, 110 people of America. I'm a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day, I was walking down the street. That's one. Stoned out of my fucking mind. That's two, bitch. Suck on that. Now, for those of you listening to the recording, I said that to a man. So that is not sexist to say suck on that bitch.
To a man. All right, I'll take it back. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops, eye drops. I was putting eye drops in my eyes, talking on my cell phone, and getting hit by a car. That's four things at once making shit happen. but the worst movie of all time to see when you are high is a motion picture called super size me right that's where that guy ate mcdonald's every day for 30 days and he filmed himself and he called it a movie it was disgusting if that's a movie i've got a movie that's right i did a movie where i smoked pot all day every day for 30 days and we tried to remember to film it the crew was high also but we got quite a lot of good footage on on tape on film tape and we edited it down to a 90 minute movie that actually exists called super high me thought about calling it business as usual briefly but then no one would understand it was a parody of another fellow's movie so he went with super high me you got to break it up when you say hi and me if you say super hi me sounds like it's about an amazing jewish guy who fights crime with his he's got like a hat that he throws he's got payus whips i wish mcdonald's were in my movie too because i love me some mcdonald's when i'm baked ba-da-ba-ba-ba i'm loving it i'm bringing sexy bird but mcdonald's is mean to stoners you guys they are meany pants at mcdonald's i have a mcrib to pick with them they created they created the perfect stoner snack it's called mcriddles and i don't know why it has an s on the end it's just one sandwich it's not like anybody ever goes i'd like a big macs give me an egg mcmuffins filet-o-fishes would be nice but i don't care because mcriddles are fan-fucking-task-fucking-tick fuck they're an incredible fucking fast sandwich let's talk about it it starts with bacon or sausage that's right you get to choose dude it's a totally democratic sandwich even if you're in michigan or florida your vote counts last night somebody yelled out at me how about both i was like how about both that sounds awesome let's make it happen make it so but you know you know if you ask the kid behind the counter at mcdonald's for both on your he'd flip out not know what to do and stare at that computer keypad for like an hour trying to find a button that says some fat a-hole wants sausage and bacon on his mcgriddles eventually have to be like just give me one of each i'll put it together myself ikea style i am the macgyver of breakfast sandwiches i can do it there was pop culture references from three different decades in the last bit it's also got egg and cheese i don't know what the hell cheese is doing in there but i'll let it slide because it's so tasty t to the a to the s-t-e-y and it is all on a bun that has been injected like a freakish fertility experiment with maple syrup flavor flavor flavor if you live in the hood sir you look like you might he's very white so so you can hold it in your hand it's not sticky it's like science said forget about all the horrible diseases in the world let's create a pancake sandwich let's put all of our efforts let's concentrate all of our funds and ability and expertise into making a sandwich of pancakes that you can hold in your hand in your hand and they're making a sandwich and they did it and i say bravo and well done and who to the ray but here is why i'm mad at mcdonald's you can only acquire this miracle snack if you get if you get if you get your ass into mcdonald's before 10 30 am i call that's not fair i do a bad chewbacca impression i get so angry so here's what i do i have designated myself the rosa parks of lazy people okay when you think about it rosa parks was the rosa parks of lazy people i don't i don't i don't think i could put that on the cv i don't think i can do it it's so goddamn funny so i am the rosa parks of stoners because i walk into mcdonald's at 3 30 in the afternoon strong willful defiant and i say i would like a mcgriddles give me a mcgriddles come on mcgriddles let's do a mcgriddles and they're like no and then i say listen i know you've got the back there it's not like yo