Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Party' (2007) by Nick Swardson on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Opening, Blackout Morning, Smoking Pot, Cat/Ghost, Dying, Old People, and Drinking.

Nick Swardson

Party

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Nick Swartzen. Let him hear it. What's up, dude? What's going on? What the fuck? Yeah. Yes. Hi, everybody. Thanks for coming to the show. Good to be here, man. It's been a fun weekend. You've got to forgive me. I'm a little out of it. We got hammered last night. We didn't get drunk. I got attacked with a hammer. It's fucking way different. It's terrible. I did this.
Went out to eat tonight. And whenever you go to a restaurant, do this. And the waiter brings you your food. When he puts the food down in front of you, look at it really seriously. And look back at the waiter. You can't laugh. You've got to be really serious. When he puts the food down, go like this. Go, mmm. I can't wait to put that inside me. I swear to God, try it. It's a good time. It's a good time.
Every waiter does the same thing. They're always like, yeah, man, put it inside you or whatever. What the fuck does that mean? Is that guy crazy? What just happened? Can I go on break? I'm like, yeah. Oh, I like to do this when I'm at a urinal. And I'm like peeing next to a dude. You know when you have to pee for like a minute? Like a really long pee? I always like to turn to the guy next to me and just go, this is all semen.
And I'm just like that, huh? Yeah, that's a party starter. oh fuck there's a water better check my messages see what the damage is I don't remember shit first new message sent at 7:30 p.m. Nick it's Henry I'm having a little get-together at my place not the major but just some wine and cheese and kind of thing so if you wanted to come by come on by all right later man hey bro it's Dante Henry's having some people over some wine and cheese shit sounds like a fucking blowjob festival what a dick liquor I got a bottle of Jack let's fuck that cheese oh boy I wonder if anybody fuck the cheese message erased next message sent at 8:30 p.m.
hey Nick it's Tina just wanted to say hello and that I'm going to Henry's tonight if you want to swing by I broke up with Rory and I'd love to see you bye babe dude I didn't know they broke up Tina's so hot I hope I played it cool they gave me a boner message saved next message sent at 9:23 p.m. that was the sickest keg stand ever you broke Henry's table where are you damn it message erased next message set at 10:05 p.m.
Nick what the fuck man did you take a shit in my sink you were the last one in the bathroom I never said this was a blackout crazy party and someone said you had my gun I need that back what I need that back dude call me dude there's no way I took a gun I took the shit for sure but I didn't message erased next message sent at 11:00 p.m. bro you just shot four holes in Henry's ceiling you're fucking hammered I love it where'd you go and how long am I supposed to hold this gun for call me fast message erased next message sent at 11:41 p.m.
it's Tina are you kidding me a fucking gun I can't believe I thought you were cute and it turns out you crap in sync the party smelled for like two hours lose my number yeah I will lose your number because you don't understand me I'll shit in your fucking mouth bitch message saved I love it I love it where'd you go and how long am I supposed to hold this gun for call me fast message erased next message sent at 11:41 p.m.
it's Tina are you kidding me a fucking gun I can't believe I thought you were cute and it turns out you crap in sync the party smelled for like two hours lose my number yeah I will lose your number because you don't understand me I'll shit in your fucking mouth bitch message saved next message sent at 1:31 a.m. hello Nicholas it's your mother I'm just calling I know it's late but I got some disturbing news your brother said that you broke into his house and punched him in the face while he was sleeping I can't imagine you would do that call me mittens has oh come on I was drunk he'll think it's funny next message sent at 1:35 a.m.
hey Nick it's your brother see hey man hey uh listen quick question yeah wanted to know why you thought it was necessary to come over and punch me in the fucking face last night while I was sleeping ha ha ha that was pretty cowardly bro but listen since we grew up together I just thought I'd give you the courtesy of knowing that you're fucking dead okay wow well he'll forget about it it's not that big of a deal next message sent at 1:36 a.m.
oh I will never forget you fucking shit fuck oh now just to recap my fist your face a brick your teeth a pipe your asshole god he's really mad next message erased next message sent at 1:42 a.m. A hammer your eye a nail file your fucking coat chill out what a spaz next message sent at 2:38 a.m. hey Nick it's you Nick no way what's up hi hey remember you want to build a boat what I told those guys to build a boat in Africa Africa be a heroin mule what so don't forget man fucking heroin heroin uh where am I who's that hide ugh method did I agree to be a heroin mule why would I do that message sent at 4:58 a.m.
Mr. Swartzen chief line gang from the mystic lake casino what did you have a good time last night boy I had a good morning our janitors found turds in our sink those are ceremonial sinks whoops Mr. Swartzen if you were a little baby I'd say of course you don't know any better but you're a man barely you know what we're gonna do to you I'll make you stand in a fire you will burn that's really aggressive anyway I love you as the queer on uh reno 9-1-1 oh boy oh that's nice send me back message erase end of messages ugh finally the end it's a pretty good Saturday at least I only shit in two sinks this weekend what the hell was that hello it's me gay robot I made you some pancakes maybe you can use your jizz as syrup um am I in the twilight zone oh by the way I bossed in your brother John he sounds aggressive wait what you let in John no don't hey what's up motherfucker hey John hey good you're in bed just like I was that's perfect hey let's get you unconscious real quick ow you drunk fuck ow fuck you have problem punch his dick with your mouth now shave each other gay bot shut the fuck up shut the fuck up gay bot I'm in the middle of something ah alright I give up okay fight's over shower up i don't smoke cigarettes anymore i quit doing that that's hard to quit thank you no so i quit smoking cigarettes and my buddy goes dude i heard it's harder to quit smoking than it is to quit doing heroin like what does that mean so i started doing heroin and he was wrong what a i'm gonna die it's not cool yeah i took a time out from smoking pot i had to take a little time out i was getting a little too retarded yeah i smoked a lot of weed i used to have stoner roommates i don't know if you ever live with stoners but it's very bizarre yeah like guys who can turn anything into a pipe do you know people like that like little stony macgyvers they'll just make anything what's this pipe i'm like what the did you just do how did that happen but when you're living with guys like that's frustrating you know i'd come home i'm like why doesn't the vcr work it's a pipe dude check it out you put your weed where the tape would go and press play and it plays it into your head and just rewind it and play it again and they would never do dishes either guys suck at doing dishes suck like where they would use every last dish in the whole place to avoid doing the dishes you know that move i'd come home my roommate's eating cereal off a plate with a spatula all right it's like what's up bro i'm like dude you're not catching any of that yeah no so i quit smoking pot for a while now my friends are like pissed they're like no way they're like that sucks yeah it really sucks remembering where i put stuff now like the whole first week i thought i was psychic like i had new powers all of a sudden i didn't know what happened i'd be like where are my keys oh they're my pocket how did i know that what has happened what has happened but guys always assume that i'm like a big stoner guys always come up to me like hey man you smoke weed i'm like no i don't they're like oh you look like you would like what what does that mean i'm like really do you have a dildo in your ass you don't you look like you would it's so weird the guy's like what that's my little stony character hey brother this happened to us once we went down to uh me and my buddies went down to tijuana mexico you know to help out build churches and stuff and uh we ended up partying really hard it was weird i'm like you guys the churches let's focus no this happened to us when we were down in tijuana streets of mexico it's like the middle of the night it's like three in the morning and my friend wanted to buy one joint which uh is retarded like just one joint that's all he's like i want to get a joint so he finds this guy in the street and he's like yeah hey what's up man i want to buy one joint and the guy's like one joint he's like yeah and the guy literally goes um i've got heroin it just made me laugh because it's like okay that's a huge leap and what my friend just asked for huge leap heroin that's just a completely different evening it's like that's a tough sell hey guys yeah you know how you want to get a little high yeah you want to just die come on dude it's mexico don't be a dick it'll be fun we'll all die and shit but i was impressed by that guy's salesman skills you know the guy's a good salesman he pushed it he went for it i'm like could he have other sales jobs with that attitude like what if he sold cars you know someone's like yeah i want to buy a geo metro it's like a geo metro really i've got heroin what i can't drive heroin i want to get a tattoo on my penis that says my other dick is black i think that'd be sweet it's cold here it's always so hot i like uh i like the summers summers are sweet because i love water parks it's like my favorite thing in the world and you know it's too cold to go to them so to recreate the experience i'll just pay a little kid to pee in my mouth if you don't laugh at that you're racist oh what wait What else?
My house is haunted. That's true. It sucks. The worst part about it is that the ghost has gas. Dude, I cannot sleep. Every night it's just like, excuse me, and he floats away. I'm like, it's too late, ghost. There's a really good chance that's the stupidest joke you'll ever hear in your lifetime. And you heard it here. What else? What else? I have a cat. Just cool. Sucks right now. My cat's sick. He has diarrhea.
Which, not cool. I had to take him to the vet. And the vet's like, well, what have you been feeding him? And I was like, diarrhea. That's my favorite joke. I always like that joke because I always like an audience's reaction to it. Like, you guys laughed for the most part. But like some audiences would be like, oh, oh, like it's obviously a joke. And I told that joke on TV once and they couldn't air it, that segment of the joke.
Because after I told it, a woman stood up in the second row after I told that joke and went, that's not a nice thing to do to your cat, asshole. And she sat down. I just looked at her. I'm like, it's not a fucking true story. Like, who thinks that's real? Like, I'm at home with a bowl of diarrhea. Like, eat it, kitty. Eat it. The joke has to be real. I can't tell. Eat the diarrhea. Ghost, please. Please, ghost.
Hmm. Just jokes. Just jokes. was thinking about this the other day i would never commit suicide but if i did i want to do it in front of a lot of people and yell something really weird right before i did it just to with all the people that saw it you know what i mean like just go in front of a group of people with a gun and just be like who fucking farted blow my head off how confused would those people be for the rest of their life they would have no idea why that happened can you imagine seeing that be like oh my god holy what that guy just say who farted who farted who farted bro did somebody fart plug your nose man somebody farted that guy killed himself oh my god that must have 