Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'LYAO' (2010) by Arj Barker on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: LMAO, HAHA, BFF?, ᐸ3, GTFO!, WTF, ROFL, OMG, LOL, and HFS.

Arj Barker

LYAO

Ah, there you are, water. Sitting back there letting me do all the work as usual, aren't you? You know, you think you're pretty good, water, a.k.a. agua. You think your poop don't stink, don't you? But I've been doing some research, water, and I smell a rat. It seems to me, water, every single boating accident ever. You were there. Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, reviled figures of the 20th century, monsters despised by all.
Interestingly enough, their bodies were all comprised of approximately 70% water. That's interesting, isn't it? And it's always too little or too much of you, isn't it, water? It's always feast or famine, drought or tsunami. Huh? You never turn on the news. Today we report that there was just exactly enough water for everyone. And everyone was happy. Nobody was too dry and nobody was too wet. They had a nice bath and then they had a nice glass and then they went to bed and it was a happy night for everyone.
So there you go, water. You stand accused. What do you have to say for yourself, water? I'm afraid tears won't help you now. Silence, water. Let me drink from you. Oh, water. I'm sorry about all those things I said earlier. You know I can't live without you. I had a great time. I went shopping up here, up in the uptown, I think it's called, in that area. I found a cool little, yeah, I found this neat little natural store.
Got the best soap I've had in a long time. Right here in Minnesota. It's totally organical. I only use organical products. And it's amazing. It smells like cedarwood. So who doesn't want to smell like a cedarwood tree? Haven't met, haven't met that person yet. But that's not the best part. The best part about this soap, right on the label, it says in clear letters, 100% cruelty-free. Thank God! I finally found a cruelty-free bar of soap.
Because my last soap. Jesus! Talk about soap, scum! I finally got fed up one day when I walked into the shower and caught it forcing the loofah sponge into submissive acts. That's when I said, Enough is enough! Be gone, cruel soap! Leave! You are banished! Go now! Go to the nether regions! The closet, maybe. You are banished! For now I will find a bar of soap which will lather with benevolence and kindness.
For all who dwell within this tiled domain, that they may dwell freely and without fear. Shampoo! Shampoo! You may now clean hair deeply, leaving it smelling fresh and manageable. At ease, shampoo. Conditioner! I don't know what you do. But you're bloody expensive! So it must be important. Continue. But do try to lather a bit more conditioner. Try to be a bit more like shampoo. Shampoo lathers quite nicely, don't you?
Yes, you're a good man, shampoo. I knew your father. Your father was a fine all-in-one. He didn't need conditioner in those days. Ah! Mother loofah! Good day, Mother loofah! Mother loofah, know that from now on, your children may play among the non-slip pads without fear. Run along, young loofahs. Play freely. As young loofahs should. Play the games that young loofahs play. Such as the one where you spin in the drain and wrap all the hairs around you.
What's that? Yes, I suppose it is called Hair Mummy. I don't know all the names, but run along and play now. I must continue to liberate the shower. Now, where was I? Oh! Oh, good God! No! No! Soap! On a rope! Alas, old friend. It seems we are too late to save you. Would that we were here earlier, you might still be alive. Then I bid you farewell. And I can't bear to look no longer. Farewell, old friend.
Cut. Cut. Him. Down. Yes, this is a bit of a long skit. There really isn't in much more, but I do enjoy doing this character. So I may do this for the rest of this. Oh, my God. But life doesn't always wait for you to make decisions, does it, friends? And those of you that read my blog or know me personally already know the big news. You know why I disappeared off the comedy scene for about eight and a half months.
And I hate to use words like unplanned or mistake or accident or chronic premature ejaculator or this never happens to me, I swear. Especially to describe something which even if he wasn't planned, he is definitely the most joyous and greatest single blessing to ever enter my life. And I'm so filled with joy to share with you the big news you would have never expected of me, Mr. Road Dogg, Mr. Never Wants to Settle Down, that me, of all people, I recently became an uncle.
And yes, it's a lot of work. Sometimes I got to wrestle with that little bastard for 10 or 15 minutes before my sister will let me check my Facebook on her computer. But when I see the look on his little face in my rearview mirror as I'm driving away to meet my friends for Tuesday night, $1 margarita night, if you wear a crazy hat, then I know that he is closer than he appears. He looks like he's over there, but he's really right here.
He's inside Mr. Tick Tock. That's what I call my heart and my clock. It gets confusing. And my sister saw me perform that joke entitled Nephew. And I actually have two beautiful nephews, and I love them to pieces. But I ended up discovering after a lot of trial and error that the joke works a lot better for some reason when I say I only have one nephew. So I had to cut one nephew from my show. And I don't love him any less.
But the son of a bitch was slowing me down. And after the show, she wanted to talk to me backstage. Like, God, yeah, it's funny. Yeah, you're a funny guy, Arge. You're such a funny guy. All that stuff about, yeah, about your nephews. Yeah, your nephews. Yeah, I know you have two. Yeah, I know, because I'm the mom. But Arge, you're a funny guy, but you're not getting any younger. Don't you ever regret not having children of your own, Arge?
Don't you wish you had your own kids? And I'm like, well, okay, you know, all right. I'll admit there are times when I'll be lying in bed in the middle of the night and I'll just think, man, why am I sleeping so goddamn deeply right now? Why? Why couldn't there just be a tiny, helpless, inferior half-version of myself in the adjacent room, screaming bloody murder and shitting all over the place? Why?
draining my free time, energy and bank account relentlessly. Why? Anyway, I was listening to the radio earlier, and I mean, the radio commercials crack me up because, you know, all ads have small print, but on the radio, they're forced to audibly speak the small print. Or it's like a newspaper that can literally print it small, but on the radio, they have to say it legally. And what they do is they just sort of mumble it and say it really quickly, and most of us are trained not to even pay attention to it.
So it's like, $5,000, come on down, $5,000 off any vehicle, total credit, everybody gets credit, I don't care if you just got out of prison, come on down, you're going to drive away with a new car, I guarantee it. This offer is not available to people living in the United States or any other continent of the world. Really not as good of a deal as it seems like, and I wouldn't get too excited. What?
What was that? And you and I, we live by different rules than the advertisers, because we can't do that in real life. It'd be nice, it'd be real handy when you get to that, you know, sort of two or three month point of the relationship, things are going pretty good, it's time to S or get off the pot. Sweetheart, I've been thinking about what we talked about last night, and I am ready to make that commitment.
And I just want to look you in the eye right now and tell you that I will, I will never, ever make love with anybody but you ever again for the rest of my life. Offer not valid on weekends. What? What was that? I didn't quite get that. Doesn't apply to overseas trips. Oh, and the possibility of a three-way is present. I didn't quite, I didn't quite, if you could, I'm sorry, you keep mumbling something.
But I'm going to end this show on a positive note. We started on a pretty positive note, and we're going to, you know, about, you know, treating each other well. And I'm going to end that way. When I read the newspaper, I think, what's going to happen to the world if we don't start loving each other more? What's going to happen? And I believe it's up to every single person to make the effort to reach out to people.
And remember, we're a giant family. And people say to me, what am I going to do? Am I going to open up an orphanage? And I know, I know that's not realistic for most of us. We have jobs. What I'm talking about, we make an effort in little ways where we can. And we do positive things, acts of selflessness on a daily basis to spread positivity. Little things. Open the door for somebody, even if they're not hot.
What? Well, why would I do that if I don't want to bang them? That's the whole point. You're not doing it for yourself. You're doing it to, you know, give freely and selflessly. And it's little things. And we all do, we could all do that. Pay the toll for the car behind you. You know, at first you go, that's crazy. But when you think about it, most everyone in this room could probably afford to do that once in a while.
And you would never miss that several dollars. So just do it. Just say, hey, I'm going to pay for that car behind me. Especially if it's a coffee-colored Ford Escort with one headlight shooting up into the sky. These are just examples, by the way. You make up your own thing. And why would I suggest this? Because I believe this. If everyone spent a little bit of their day spreading some positivity times six billion or even a good fraction of six billion, it could create the global change of consciousness that we need to keep going as humans on this earth.
But the way we're going now is not good. And the thing is, it's fun. I'm not giving you a chore. It's fun because you can make up your own positive things. And you come up with your own. There's thousands of ideas. And they're all neat. And they're all fun. Here's something I do that's kind of cool and very positive. Sometimes when I'm taking a leak, if there's like a tiny bit of poo, like I'm talking like less than the size of even a dime on the side of the bowl, even though it's not mine, I'll try to piss it off.
I mean, personally, I don't care if it stays there, but it's not about me. It's about thinking about someone else. And maybe because I do that, the guy that has to clean the toilets can go home a little bit early and be with his family sooner. So, okay, I'll go a little left. Hey, to be honest, I go left naturally. So, really, it's just a matter of not correcting. But sometimes when you're confronted with a new idea that's so positive and joyous, the ego kicks up and says, wait a second, this isn't good.
And the negativity is back again. And people will say, yeah, Arch, that's a great idea. But what if it's above the waterline and it's caked on there pretty good and it's been there for days? Well, yeah, well, it might be. But at the very least, I'm going to loosen it up a little bit. Next guy, I'll cut through and finish the job. And that's called positivity, my friends. Working together, we're going to piss that shit right off.
And people are excited by the message of joy and positivity. I saw a gentleman, as I was saying, this guy, he lit up. He's like, I already do that. I didn't know it was help spreading positivity. I just called it target practice and thought it was fun. Well, positivity is fun, my man. That's the good news. A beautiful girl right there in the third row. I saw her kind of thinking. She was thinking.
She's like, you know what, Arch? I don't think it's going to be easy. And I think it might involve mirrors. But I'm going to give it a shot. Yes, sister! Girls can do it, too! That's it for me. Thank you very much. Good night. Minneapolis! Thank you. Oh, get out of here. Are you getting this? Unbelievable. Thank you. Oh, come on. Are you in that much of a hurry to leave? All right. Thank you so much.
I hope that thing has tape in it. I'll see you again 