Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Ham Mouth' (2022) by Amy Miller on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Amy Miller: Ham Mouth.

Amy Miller

Ham Mouth

give some love to amy miller oh my god do i look okay it's amazing right isn't it nice to be anywhere with anybody yes oh i was trapped inside for so long with with a little one do you all have little ones perfect i'm not a mom i just have a really young boyfriend classic joke dude classic this is a big night you're here at the retirement of that joke because we did break up yeah i sent him off to college he's doing pretty good i didn't we it is i i'm fresh out of a breakup that's true um and it's going fine it was amicable i'm not like other comics i didn't get dumped i'm not a loser i've actually only been dumped one time ever in my life and uh that dude said some crazy when he broke up with me he was like amy it's just like all the other guys you've been with it's like when we're together they're all i can think about and i was like holy what a coincidence me too dude i want to tell you guys something that i'm a little embarrassed um this is true so my ex and i broke up and then he moved across the hall is that bad you guys feel judgy already is that okay it's complicated all right the most judging people have been our married friends which i find funny because i'm like okay that's interesting because like a lot of y'all also sleep across the hall from each other but not because you're breaking up just because like one partner has decided they would rather sleep in warm toddler piss than ever you again i think we're doing fine people are so nosy too like the first question everybody asks is like well are you still gonna fuck whatever happened to community that question is so un-american like whatever happened to just like knocking on your neighbor's door and asking to borrow something that you don't have at the house but you don't feel like shopping for that night like dick have i been over to borrow a cup of cum yeah maybe i think it's fun oh you guys are cute i'm so nervous but it's gonna be fun right they're gonna cut this part out um it's chill i ate a carrot stick before i got on stage not with any dip just a dry ass carrot stick did you guys hear me coughing back there like i have coven i was like why would i eat a dry carrot stick right before a big thing it's stuck i can fucking feel it they're gonna cut this out too i like how i'm directing this now fucking someone's taking notes right you guys are such an attractive crowd you're so hot um don't you wish we were just in a big fucking bathtub together wouldn't that be dope i fucking love the bath dude i spent so much time in the bath as a teenager um because i was like kind of a horny teen but i was also christian and we had very strong water pressure okay good a couple other ladies used to fuck their tub it's not technically masturbation if you're just getting your pussy really clean and i read that in the bible okay i don't know i genuinely don't know what my mom thought i was doing in there so much like i was just passionate about cleanliness like i was just 15 and come in and don't picture it sir i said the age i can't even look at a faucet without getting wet i can love the bath dude i was uh unfortunately um talking to a male comedian and and uh i brought this up and he was like i don't trust the bath i was like excuse me he goes i don't trust it i just feel like i'm sitting in my own filth i was like filth are you a coal miner now what are you do you work at jiffy lube are you delivering baby livestock for a living like what are you now i'm concerned about your day like what are you doing that gets you so filthy that you're you get into a hot tub of soapy water and it's like more filth than clean like did you leave your boots on you idiot because i thought you told jokes for a living and they're not even dirty jokes that's so stupid oh i spent as a little little kid i i would go in the bath just for alone time you know because of a huge family and there's also a lot of people in it um they're so fat i would go in the bath for alone time uh but i'm from california pretty cool and so we've always been in a drought my entire fucking life so since i'm the youngest kid often i would have to share i would have to use the same bath water as all my siblings but last just get into my sister's scummy ass water yeah well we were saving the planet bitch i mean we were trying i don't even trust anyone in california that has a swimming pool i think that makes you evil unless you do like my family did and take it above ground um so i'd have to get in this dirty bath water and then uh when i was like eight years old maybe i picked up a book and i around the house i love to read but like we didn't have a lot of children's books so i just would read whatever was available and around eight i read this book called rabbit run by john updike the first chapter of that novel is just about um a man who is uh dissatisfied with his life and partially because he always has to bathe in his wife's dirty bath water and i was like i relate to this man and there's a whole series of those books so from like eight to 12 years old i was just reading a series about a middle-aged man in a dead-end sales job who hates his family and i was like this is my aunt of green gables it is very cool being from california by the way okay thank you um you know it's cool because they named the most luxurious bed after us i'm sorry i love this place but nobody wants to sleep in a new york king okay that just sounds like a bunch of rats that got tangled up that's not that's scary it's not comfortable i had a really uh a big birthday during the lockdown um i accidentally turned 40.
oh my god thank you they might they might actually edit that out because i think it's illegal to stay on comedy central but if you're a woman but i turned 40. i feel pretty good about it um i don't i don't know it's going fine i always wanted to be 40 when i was a kid truly like i thought um you know when you're an adult that like if you turn 40 like all your dreams would come true and you're living your best life and then in the middle of 2020 i was telling jokes in parking lots and selling pictures of my feet online not the birthday of my dreams if sometimes people think i'm younger i don't mean to assume but if that was you like thank you but i don't have any skin care tips for you i just uh i drink a ton of water and i don't have kids and i've never been awake in the morning before so very good for your skin i i am treating i am treating my wrinkles though i will be honest with you guys i'm using like kind of a um natural filler that's new to los angeles and it's called just staying fat and nobody fucking tries it there it's cheap it's non-invasive okay you can pretty much do it with like a charcuterie plate a night right before bed yo make sure you floss though because that prosciutto gets stuck in there nobody wants to sleep with a ham mouth you know what i mean this is true and it's so sad but like as soon as i said on stage for the first time that i was 40 out loud i got messages from several women who do comedy and they were like oh no don't fucking say it they were like it's gonna affect your career i was like again jokes in parking lots pictures of feet we're all gonna die soon what career am i fucking protecting also here's my thing like even if i didn't say that i was 40 y'all would figure it out because i do 40 year old shit yes sometimes you will still find me putting a long post on facebook that's old behavior you all know that right okay because the young people are now communicating only in dance moves so if you're putting paragraphs on social media your life is almost over i don't know what to tell you oh my god i do so much 40 year old i'm getting really getting into rings just a lot um i you know i've been to many counting crows concerts thank you my favorite album keeps changing that's so embarrassing you know what's your favorite counting crows album one two three go to be fair i did ask a black man so i think the most 40 year old thing i do is i have a special word for when i've had so much white wine i want to get in a fist fight it's just shard and angry and y'all can use that champagne if you're like at a wedding or a bar mitzvah because if you ever see me slamming white wine you better get the out of there so i'm either gonna hit you or cry by the way if any um anybody in here with titties was like hell yeah i don't you're just wooing that you have to that's dope this is the perfect question for you because i see what's going on here and you're so gorgeous but i've had a hard adjustment getting back into regular life after being trapped inside for so many months because fuck bras okay and you're already you've been saying no your whole life and i really appreciate that because fuck bras remember when we were just like at home swinging just flapping around all day sir you looked so wistful when i said that do you live do you live with someone with titties did you visit some people with titties uh weren't those pandemic fucks fun when you're like i'm not supposed to be here and we were like i'm not putting on real clothes or makeup by the way that is how you would know my true age is if i took this bra off you'd be like oh 1980 yeah those are reagan titties for sure a couple of trickle down tits you know i used to care too i used to be so concerned like in my 20s this is the beauty of aging like in my 20s i was like oh no my titties are gonna age and they're gonna change and people won't like them anymore because i i got big ones because god is good but listen all titties are beautiful but god is also just okay so so god was like i mean you can have the big ones but it's gonna cost you and i was like what and god was like no lips and i'm like okay rude so since i have the big ones uh i was very concerned that they were gonna change and get weird and people wouldn't like them anymore and then with every year that passes i'm reminded that i mostly date straight men and y'all are gross did someone just boost you oh i love it here y'all are gross you're sick you're weird i don't know i'm just telling you like my tits are they're they're different uh they have a lot of character all right they're changing like they're still gorgeous don't get me wrong they're gorgeous but they have some interesting abnormalities um you know like a stalagmite or steve buscemi they're just getting weird and the dicks have only gotten harder and i can't explain it but y'all fucking love it you're sick truly like men have just been like oh is that a vein i'm sorry i jerked off in your directions big problem with comedians i should have asked you should have asked you for consent and if you said no still done it and then later lied um yeah they're they're weird i don't know i it's just men have just been like they look like they'll feed someone i'm a hungry baby boy put it in my mouth you're fucking gross and i love it by the way i'm saying i mostly dates treatment uh it wasn't a long relationship with one but like i don't know classically historically like i've i've been with a lot of women i had a girlfriend um i oh yeah thanks no yeah you don't have to woo um let me tell you why because i don't i i don't openly identify as bi and i'm not ever truly sure why um i think maybe i aged out uh it's an interesting time and i think it's hilarious when people are like everybody's fucking bi now i'm like no actually a lot of people have always been bi but now some people are more comfortable saying it um but i don't like to say it a lot because i don't want you to mistake me for another white lady who wants to be a diversity hire now um thank you joyelle because i knew they wouldn't like that joke here this is true oh man by the way did you know that on your 40th birthday someone just shows up and gives you a power blazer with patches it's fucking awesome you know that beyonce and jonathan taylor thomas are also both 40.
at that point what is age you know what i mean a child is 40. i d