Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'From Ashy to Classy' (2010) by Donnell Rawlings on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Rock Stars & The White Voice, Fat Tyrone, and Michael Jackson.

Donnell Rawlings

From Ashy to Classy

I just want to be, I think every black guy sometime in your life, you want to be a rapper. Everybody sometime in your life, you want to rap. Black guy, as soon as you get a mic, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Just want to rap for no reason. People think rap is violent. Rap is not the most violent music. You know what the most violent music is? Rock. Rock is the most violent music. But rock music, you don't know where the violence is going to happen.
Because they start off all calm. They trick you first. They start off calm. They're like, I saw you walking down the street the other day. It was you, yeah, you. It was you, yeah, you. Yeah, you. Yeah, you! It was you! Yeah, you! It was you, yeah, you. Yeah, you! Then they pull a gun out of nowhere. Pow! Now I'm dead. No, I'm not. I'm not dead. I'm not dead. Not dead! Not dead. I can't die. I can't die.
I can't die-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Can't die! Can't die. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Dude, like, I will buy you, motherfucker. Can't die. You gotta have a certain voice to be a rock star. You gotta have a raspy, tough voice. No, I'm not! Certain people can never be rock stars. You'll never hear of an Indian rock star, ever. That same song with the Indian accent. I swear to you, walking down the street.
You cannot, I am knowing that you're not hokey, you cannot tell it me. You're not the word-deh-deh-deh-deh. Word-deh-deh. Word-deh-deh. I make fun of a lot of people, man, I always do. I think every black comic, we do a voice. The white voice, it always sounds the same. Dude, totally awesome. Black people always laugh, like, that's funny. Black people, don't get it twisted. We have a white voice, too.
But we only use them when we at work. You ever call that cool brother in his job, and he don't know it's you, and he asks with his corporate American voice, Michael Johnson, American Red Cross. How can I help you? Like, what'd you say? Oh, no, they got me fucked up right now, dog. Yo, chill, chill, chill. We about to murder these dudes at six o'clock. I take this towel off his oars. Word up, side his oars.
We about to murder him, side. Do it for Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang, Wu-Tang. People blame anything on Wu-Tang. I got this girl pregnant, wow, Wu-Tang, side. Wu-Tang did it. White guys, you can tell when white guys get mad. You know how you can tell when white guys get mad? They start shaking first. Like this. They always tell you who you don't know. Listen, man, you don't know me. You don't know my mom. You don't know my dad.
They start beating their self up. Fuck. You're nothing, man. They be angry. You're nothing. This part be tight. Every time they get mad, they get. You're nothing, man. You are nothing. You're so nothing. You're nothing. You are nothing, man. Right here, right now. Then they fight, so they want to do shots after they fight. Let's do some shots. I'm telling you. Brothers, if you're ever in a bar and a white guy coming to you like this, let's do some shots.
Get out of the bar. They will kill your ass. Let's do some shots. Let's go. Let's do some shots. Woo! Let's go. Let's go. What are you? What are you scared? Let's do Jaeger. Let's go. Jaeger! Jaeger! I know that joke is not going to make it on this show. I don't give a fuck! I had a weird childhood growing up. Man, my parents were totally opposite. My mother was a social worker. My father was a drug dealer.
And they had the same clients. My mother would be like, you need to get your life together. My father was like, fuck that, two for 50. My father came to one of my shows, right? And at the end of the show, he was like, yo, why you telling them damn lies about me? I'm like, what are you talking about, Dad? You sold drugs? He said, yeah, but I never sold anything two for 50. He said, you couldn't even talk to me unless you had $20,000.
My mom wouldn't feed me. My brother, only time we got to eat was in our dreams. I had a dream I was eating a steak one night. I was happy. My mother woke me up. She said, what's wrong with you? What are you dreaming about? I said, I was dreaming I was eating a steak. And she smacked me. Bow! I said, what the? Why you smack me? She said, because you're selfish. You should have woke your brother up and shared that dream with her.
We got toys from the thrift store, man. I was disrespectful. You had to be a mechanic to get a toy from the thrift store. Tonka trucks with one wheel. We had hungry hippos with no hippos. Me and my brother just on the board like this. One year, my mother got me and my brother a pair of skates. But we ain't had the rollerblades. We had those steel skates. I don't know if anybody remember those steel skates.
Them Street King Union skates. They go from size 5. You put a key in them, they go over to size 15. If you lose a key, you got one long skate and one short skate. And you couldn't sneak outside. You'll wake the whole neighborhood up. Every year, my mother would get us something different. I was turning 12. It's like the best birthday of my life. I got my first mode of transportation, a brand new bike.
I thought I was independent. I'm like, I'm going across the street. I'm out of here. Take it in the face. Remember when you got your first bike before you took your bike out on the street? What was the last thing your mother told you before you took your bike out on the street? See, it's mixed answers to that. In a white neighborhood, like, don't go out on the street, you'll get hit. In a black neighborhood, don't let nobody ride your damn bike.
Because you know, Fat Tyrone and them boys in the projects be taking people's bikes. And when you're a kid, you don't want to hear that. You start talking to your mother any kind of way. I ain't going to let nobody ride my bike. Look, boy, don't let nobody ride your bike. I ain't going to let nobody ride my bike. So I got my bike, I'm going down the street. First person I see, Fat Tyrone. Eating a fried bologna, egg and cheese sandwich.
Remember the fried bologna sandwich? You put the pan, the bologna in the pan, the heat get to it, it pop up like a parachute. Then you try to cut it, then it flip back the other way. And remember that little red rope that had the extra meat on it? You were killed for that rope. Give me your spine! Fat Tyrone came here eating a bologna sandwich. Grease was dripping down his elbow. Donnell, can I ride your bike?
Nah, nigga, my mother said I can't let nobody ride my bike. Come on, man, let me ride your bike. Nah, my mother said I can't let nobody ride my bike. Then they hit you with something that made you think. Come on, man, let me ride your bike. I ain't going to go nowhere but to the corner, remember that? Now you get fat ass your bike at 6 o'clock in the evening. It's 12 midnight now. And you know you can't go in the house because your mother is going to tear your ass up.
You'll be sitting on a curve, wait. Back, back, back. I tried, I tried to tell it, I tried to tell it, I tried to tell it, I tried to tell it, I tried to tell it, nigga, I can't let, I can't let, I can't let, I tried, I tried, I tried, no, I can't let nobody. He gon' try, he gon' try, he gon' try, he gon' try, he gon' try, he gon' try, take somebody bike. He gon' try, take somebody bike. Come on, come on, come on, come on, he ain't even, come on, come on, come on, he ain't even going, ain't nobody even seen his fat ass.
He better not let me get his fat ass, watch. He thinks somebody scared him, he thinks somebody scared him, he thinks somebody scared him, he thinks somebody scared him because he's 16 and he's in the third grade. He was still out, like a couple hours went past, you out there, he started getting mad like. Every time you get mad, you try to act like you turn into like a sinister, watch, watch, watch, watch.
That's what kids do when they mad, watch, watch, watch, watch. Next time I go to the store, next time I go to the store, he gon' ask me to buy him something, I'm gonna say, nope. Why you ain't bringing my bike back? I ain't, I ain't never, I ain't never going to the house. Long, long as my mama don't call me, I ain't never going to the house. Then you hear your mother, Donnell, Bree, boy, where's your damn bike?
Huh? Because that's the first thing kids say when they know they're in trouble. Huh? They start talking about everything, nothing to do with the bike. Okay, okay, let me tell you, I'm trying to tell you. Okay, remember when I was three, remember when I was three? And then I had turned four, I'm trying to tell you. And I was around my old neighborhood the other day, I saw these kids riding their bikes.
I said, I know times haven't changed that much. I know parents are telling kids the same thing, don't let nobody ride their bike. This little guy rode past me with a brand new bike. I was like, shorty, man, bring your little dirty ass over here. Can I ride your bike? Dude looked at me, popped it with it, said, my mother said, fuck you and Fat Tyrone. Take it in the face! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Michael Jackson's dead, I'm stressed out about that. Some people got mixed feelings about it. Everybody got an inner Mike, everybody. Michael Jackson's the only person can make a grown man do his face like this. That's not bad Michael. Michael started a new dance just by kicking his leg. Dad! Dad, you get tired, get tired, get up, get tired. Come on! People used to try to say Michael Jackson was gay.
I don't believe Michael Jackson was gay. Michael Jackson used to do this move. That is not a gay move. Women would love that move. I'm talking about Michael Jackson being some tough dude like you're on mess with Mike. I don't care who you are, every dude in here, one time in your life, you've been in a house by yourself. Michael Jackson's song came on. You had a full lift minute, everybody tried this move.
Dang, you did it hard to get out of here. Come on! It used to be hard to learn a Michael Jackson dance. The moonwalk, I remember when the moonwalk first came out, I almost broke my ankle trying to do the moonwalk. You ever seen somebody try to do the moonwalk, don't know what they doing? They'd be moonwalking on one leg and then regular walking on the other leg, and they think they're doing it. I got it!
I got it! I got it! I'm moonwalking! Look, look! Oh! Come on! Come on! That was a young Mike. The young Mike had the moves. The older Mike, the last moves Mike was doing, I was like, "Damn!" Mike was like this. I'm like, "Mike, what are you doing?" He was like, "This is it! This is it! I'm 50, this is it!" I'm 50, this is it! Michael Jackson was a king of pop, and Mike was a king of drugs, too. Mike was doing drugs.
I didn't even know it was drugs. Propovar, Deprivan. I asked one of my buddies from Brooklyn, I'm like, "What happened to Mike?" He was like, "Yo!" He was trying to play pro football, then he drove his Deprivan into the trees, huh? Mike was getting super high. You know you're getting super high when you have to have a doctor in the room. I smoke weed. The only doctor I need is Dr. Dre and the Snoop one to come over.
Mike was like, "Yeah!" "Yeah!" "I just want to sleep, yeah!" I want to sleep, too, Mike, but I want to sleep the old-fashioned way. Cookies and milk. Watch the ESPN. Mike, rub one off 'til I get tired. He was like, "Mike, when you want to go to sleep?" He was like, "Now!" "When you want to wake up?" "Close to midnight." This is my theory on what happened to Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson had a doctor who was supposed to watch him sleep, right?
I think Michael Jackson's doctor fell asleep while he was watching Mike sleep. Think about it. Magic Johnson probably just left. They had a bucket of chicken. You get three guys and a bucket of chicken. I don't know who's going to sleep first. Somebody going to sleep. He was probably watching Michael Jackson. him sleep, right? I think Michael Jackson's doctor fell asleep while he was watching Mike sleep.
Think about it. Magic Johnson probably just left. They had a bucket of chicken. You ge