Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Flying Saucer Tour Vol. 1' (2002) by Bill Hicks on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 31/31.

The war, was a very stressful time for me, the war. Yeah, I was in the very unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops. First of all, and this needs to be said, because it isn't said enough, and in fact, it was never said. There never was a war. A war is when two armies are fighting. Right there, I think we can all agree. Boy, Bush turned out to be a real demon, didn't he? Remember when Bush was first president?
He was the wimp president. You remember that? Covering Newsweek. Wimp president! Apparently, this stuck in that guy's craw a little bit. Guy turned into a fucking demon, man. We surrender. Not good enough. We run away. Too little, too late. We're having way too much fun. Kidding me? Those guys were in hog heaven out there, man. They had a big weapons catalog opened up. What's G-12 do, Tommy? It says here, it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth.
Helps us pay for the war effort. Well, shit, pull that one up. Pull up G-12, please. Yeah, everyone got boners over the technology. And it was pretty amazing, you got to admit, watching a missile fly down an air vent. Pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food at hungry people? You know what I mean? Fly over Ethiopia. There's a guy that needs a banana. Shhh.
The stealth banana. Smart fruit. I guess the most amazing thing about the war to me was the disparity in the casualties, man. Iraq, 150,000 casualties. We had 79. 150,000! We had 79. Does that mean if we had sent over 80 guys, we still would have won this fucking thing or what? One guy in a ticker tape parade. I did it. Hey, you're welcome. Good work, Tommy. How'd you do it? I pulled up G-12. It was in the catalog.
Worked like a charm. 79. After we had a war, we killed 150,000 people. We lost 79, mostly to friendly fire. Do those army commercials even need to be aired anymore? We're the army and we're looking for a few good. Fuck, we got enough good men. Screw it. We need 80 of you. That's it. 80 of you in that weapons catalog. 80 of you in that weapons catalog. I know it's a nasty habit, but guess what? Drum roll.
I'm addicted. Trying to quit. You ever try and quit, sir? I love it. Every smoker, I love it. You ever try and quit? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, I'm trying right now. Did you try cold turkey? No? What did you try? It didn't last long. It didn't last long. But you did try stopping cold turkey. Thank you, sir. I haven't believed I've entered you into the show yet. I'm talking to the smoker because he's smoking.
When I start talking about goofballs, you get ready. When the word goofball comes up, you sit up and take a sip of coffee because you're on. Listen, folks, the audience participation part of the show is limited to this and this only. Direct yes and no answers to my questions, laughter, applause, and a blowjob from all the women afterwards. That's it. You can all relax within those parameters, I believe.
Good. Glad we know the fucking schedule. So you did try. Cold turkey's hard. It's really aggravating. What I'm going to do is I'm going to quit gradually. What you do to quit gradually is I'm going to lose one lung and then a little while later, I'm going to lose the other one. And that's it. I feel better having a plan. So I smoke a lot. How much do you smoke a day, sir? Two packs. Two packs? Pussy.
I go through two lighters a day, dude. All right? So two packs. You're like a health nut to me. You're like the Jack LaLanne of smokers, man. You could tie a piano to your back. You could swim the English fucking channel with a cigarette. Two lighters a day is a bit much. Only good thing about smoking now is every cigarette pack has a different Surgeon General's warning. That's kind of neat. Mine say, warning, smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.
Fuck it. Found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know. Shop around. It is your body. Yeah, give me a carton of low birth weights. I think I can live with low birth weight. Line them up, goddammit. I'm here to take the low birth weight challenge. Let's go. One, two, three. Come on. That's good, Willie. Do your little smoking jokes while you still got the breath left in you to do them, son.
That is my big fear in life, doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now. Good evening, everybody. Remember me? I was wrong. Smoking is real fucking bad for you. No joke. Oh, my God, man. I've seen people do that. You ever seen someone do that? Is that unbelievable? Man, if you're smoking out of a hole in your neck, I'd think about quitting. Wouldn't you? I mean, at that point, chew some gum or something.
I'm not trying to tell you how to live. I'm saying that just shows a commitment I cannot fucking relate to, man. I mean, we're beyond image at that point, you know. Jesus, what's next for that guy, you know? I just can't stop. It gets worse and worse every year. I'm telling you, man, I cannot quit. I can't quit smoking. They're starting to taste like shit, but I... Dude, you got a cigarette in your butt, man.
Chew some fucking gum or something. You got a stogie in your hiney, buddy. I'm telling you. Chew some gum. Get a mint. Get a toothpick. There's other ways. Yeah, we're done with that shit there, man. I'm done with that shit. I'm just really tired, man. what's the phone for man you guys drug dealers what's that for you're gonna call somebody or what huh what do you do you're a dentist and you need to be ready at all times it's not your phone whose phone is it gentleman behind you and who and what do you do he's the drug dealer I see you fuck their teeth up you get them hooked and we rock in the nightclubs all night long he's your doctor are you kidding what kind of doctor you're lying are you kidding me yeah you are fucking hell man what are y'all all from some outpatient clinic that I need to know bill we are all on thorazine your stuff is quite humorous we are drugged beyond belief we are this close to palpitating and releasing our souls to the tops of our heads at which time you all that what we can call anyone well how about my fucking agent and let's fire him together Pittsburgh you bastard good crowds they stared at me like a dog that's just been shown a card trick bill maybe they're all on thorazine let me check fuck you were right that's why I've been in this business three months boy So I smoke.
I smoke too much. You know you smoke too much when other smokers tell you to please put it out, you know? That's a lot. So maybe I'm just sick of doing this. What do you do for a living? If you could answer within five minutes of the question, it would really help the timing of the show. Because once again, I already have pre-planned comedy answers. Okay? Sorry to pop the spontaneity fucking bubble.
I'm struggling. You work at a law firm. Was that fucking difficult? Move on. Something more funny than that. What do you do, sir? This is like the 30-something. You were in mourning when 30-something got canceled, weren't you? This whole table. That show makes me want a nuclear holocaust in two minutes. Fucking whining white pieces of shit. Life is so difficult. You want to make life a little less difficult?
Come here. There we go. There's one less whiner in the fucking world. Kill all the white people. That is my theme. I'm seeing sparks, stars in front of my eyes. Doc? What kind of doctor are you? No, him. I'm fucking cross-eyed, you goofball. If I'm looking at you and talking, let's go ahead and assume it's you I'm fucking talking to. You're a professional what? You manage professional wrestling. You manage professional wrestling.
I want out of comedy. Now, how did I do? I could pin those fucking... They're fairies, one and all, aren't they? Admit it! Admit it! They put on their little panty tights and they all have circle jarts. And they all have all the kids come back for autographs. Come here and sit on Hulk's lap, young man. Hey, what kind of hold is this, Hulk? It's called Hulk's special love hold, young man. Swear to God, I woke up in the best mood.
Happened to be 8 p.m., but... You're really managed professional wrestling. Why the phone? Is there a meet going on right now, a match? You waiting to hear the latest on the Hulk Hogan steroid travesty? What are we going to do if all these athletes are using steroids? Hulk Hogan. Another reason I pray, for nuclear holocaust within one minute. Because this fucking pituary retard walks the fucking planet, I want you all to die.
I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but work with me on this. I'm the Hulk. You're a fucking retard, okay? Case closed. He's a retard that makes more money than you. Is that all it is? Fucking money to you people? Sorry. I don't know where this came from. Sorry. Later on, we're going to play putt-putt golf up here. So get ready. I'm going to be the windmill. Lee's boots. What do you do, sir? Are you from Pittsburgh?
Very beautiful town. What do you do here? Student. Very good. And where do you stewed? Cornell? Cool. What are you majoring in? Psychology. Psychology. Bet you're having a field day watching this shit, aren't you? See, he talked about fucking young kids in the ass. He smoked 20 cigarettes in a row. I think I'm going to do a thesis on this guy. Fuck it. Can I get some more napkins, waitress? I'm writing something here.
Psychology is an interesting topic. I must admit, in college. Freud had an interesting theory, the Oedipal theory. You know that? All men, he said, want to sleep with their moms. I thought that was bullshit, until one day, I saw a picture of Freud's mom. Ow, hot tub. Yeah. In a minute. Woo. I would have done her over the dryer. Ow, mama. But he obviously wasn't looking at my mom when he came up with that theory.
I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I want to thank management for offering. But, oh, yeah, huge pile of that shit right up there, yeah. Never seen it so big it had a ski lift on it. Really, it's unbelievable. Right up there. But, uh, no, I actually, I quit doing drugs. I used to take drugs and I quit. But I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, and I don't think this is said enough anymore, but it's the truth.
I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anybody, never robbed anybody, never raped anybody, never beat anybody, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife, or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? How come I don't get a fucking commercial? I'll be the guy holding that skillet on that commercial, man. That ain't a brain, that's breakfast. Let's eat.
What have we been up, five days now? I'm starving. Get the plates and forks out, boys. The brain's almost ready. Woo! It is that very commercial that tells me how completely unhip and unintelligent our fucking government is, that commercial. Here's your brain. Here's your brain on drugs. And you've seen the guy in that commercial. Guy's got a beer gut. Here's your brain. Here's your brain. Here's your brain on drugs.
I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs, but I have never, ever, ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, man. I have seen UFOs split the sky like a sheep, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there's no such thing as death, but I have never looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once.
Now, maybe I wasn't getting good shit. I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? Did I quit too soon? What is that, CIA stash? I'm in. CIA, biggest drug runners in the world. Fact! I'm teasing, our government's great. Liar. No, they are good people. Suckers of Satan's cock. No, they are good. The guy in that commercial's got a beer gut.
All right, this is it, look up now. See there? That's your brain, all righty? There