Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Fat Albert' (1973) by Bill Cosby on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: My Brother Russell (Live At Harrah's Hotel, Reno).

Bill Cosby

Fat Albert

When Russell came I hated him. I didn't want to do anything bad to him, but I sure didn't like him because he had his way with everything. He didn't have to eat his greens, he didn't have to eat nothing. He just sit there and cry, "I don't want this!" The next thing he was getting dessert. I tried the same thing, "I don't want it!" Be quiet. "You're the man of the house." "I'm not, I'm only eight!"
I know one time I almost got him, no, almost got rid of him. I was playing in the toilet bowl. I love the toilet bowl. You put something in it and flush it and it would just take it, man. Whatever you put in the toilet bowl say, "I got it." And when you flush the toilet bowl, you get a good sound from it too, man. And when it hasn't accepted what you put in it, it goes. And that's when you run out.
"I didn't do it! I didn't do it!" I was sitting there flushing things down the toilet and old Russell came in. "What you doing?" I said, "I'm flushing things down the toilet, dummy." He said, "Where do things go when they go down the toilet?" I said, "They go all around the city." "Would you like to see the city?" He said, "Yeah." Four minutes later I had him standing up in the toilet bowl. No clothes on.
Vaseline all over his body. "Are you ready?" My father came and said, "What are you doing?" I said, "Rust wants to see the city, Dad." My father said, "You get in there with him." He had both of us in there trying to flush this down. It's hard to get a grab on the porcelain when you're floating around in a circle. My father's much lighter in complexion than I am. When he was a little baby, he was almost pink.
And the kids in my neighborhood saw him and they started laughing. I said, "What's the matter?" I said, "Man, you got a white brother." I said, "He ain't white." He said, "Yes, he is. Look at him, man." So I took him home, put him in the oven. - I borrowed my father's car, and after about the sixth week, he came into the living room, and I knew from the look on his face I was in trouble. And I was sitting there watching TV, and he said, "Come here."
Now, I knew that he wanted to talk to me about something I did wrong. And out of the 100 things I had done wrong so far, I couldn't figure out what it was he wanted to talk about. So I said, "Who, me?" - No, the table. You seen me come in this living room and do like this, and you've seen the table get up and walk over here. You seen wallpaper unroll itself and come walking right over and say, "What was it you wanted, Mr.
Cosby?" I said, "Yes, I'm talking to you, egghead. "Get outside, I want to talk to you." So I go outside, man, and I'm just shaking. I'm shaking 'cause I know he's gonna hit me sooner or later. You know, my father can time his hits, man, just to the point when I relax, just to the point when I'm talking to him. And he took me out to the car and he pointed at it. He said, "Now, what is that?" - I knew the answer was "car," but I didn't know what he wanted, man.
So I said, "It's a car?" - Are you sure of it? - Yeah. - Well, say it like you sure of it, Ted. - Say, "car." - Car. - Good. Now. What is that? - That's the engine. That's the two you got right. Now, how does the engine start up? - Well, you turn the key and you step on the gas. - On the what? - You step on the gas. - You do know about gas? - Now, what is this? - That's the gas cap, Dad. - You know how to get it off?
- Yeah, Dad, you just unscrew it like that, see? - Yeah, now, give me the gas cap. Now, I'm taking your head and I'm putting it inside the gas tank. Now, take a deep breath and tell me what you smell. - I don't smell nothing, Dad. - Right, 'cause there ain't no gas in the car. - Now, what I want to know is, last night you had the car, didn't you? - Yes, Dad. - You're damn right you had it. - I didn't have it.
Your mother didn't have it. The dog didn't have it. So, you had it, didn't you? - Yeah, Dad. - Well, don't start crying now. 'Cause I'm gonna knock you out anyway. Now, what I want to know is, 'cause you must be some kind of genius. How did you get this car in this spot? Ain't no gas in the car. Ain't no fumes in it or nothing. How do you get this car to walk into this spot? Ain't no fumes or nothing in it.
I got in the car, turned the key, and the needle fell outside. But, Dadda, don't butt me. I'll knock you out. I brought you in this world. I'll take you out, Junior. Now, the only thing that makes me mad, Junior, is this. You must think I'm the dumbest father on the face of this earth. Now, tell me the truth, don't you? No, Dad, don't lie to me, Junior. Tell me the truth. I'm your father. Say to me, Dad, you are the dumbest man I've ever seen in my life.
Tell me this. No, Dad, don't cry, 'cause your mother ain't coming. Now, tell me I'm dumb. To my face, don't give me little examples. Don't pull a car up here with no gas in it. Now, some boys borrow their father's car, Junior, and leave just enough gas in it so that the father can start the car and run out of gas starting it out. Now, that's how dumb some boys take their father's car. You think I'm so dumb that I'm gonna get in this car, close the door, and say, oh, my goodness, I ran out of gas, closing the door.
Now, here's 75 cents. You go down to the gas station, it's an eight block walk, and walk all of it. And I hope your legs hurt. You get a 50-cent worth of gas, give the man 25-cent deposit on the can. You come back here, you put gas in the tank, then you put some in the carburetor, then you get in front of the car, 'cause I'm gonna run over you. You all are familiar with Fat Albert. Fat Albert, yes.
But Fat Albert, as he grew older, became very interested in motors, engines, and cars. And Fat Albert was that kid in the neighborhood who knew how to take anything apart. I mean, he could take your refrigerator apart, put it back together, and that kind of thing. And he loved that kind of work. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Boom, Fat Albert had a car. In 1958, Fat Albert's father gave him the hull of a 41 Mercury.
Albert loved it, man. It was the best present he ever had in his life. He never spent any money on soda pop, candy, or anything. Everything he had, every penny he had, he put in that car. I'm sure all of you have a guy in your neighborhood like that, when you were growing up. Some guy was always in there, man. We swore that's where Fat Albert would die. Bent over in that car. When Fat Albert was 19, Fat Albert had saved enough money to buy a new engine for the 41 Merc.
And he went down to the graveyard. You know where they have these old cars. And he bought a Cessna airplane engine. Now, I want to tell you that we in the neighborhood, there wasn't a car that could top Fat Albert's car. Albert's car had a sound of its own. I'll never forget the day he started it up. He said, Here it is. And we all got in it, man. And we're sitting there waiting. And he started it up.
And everybody said, Ain't that cool, man? I'm telling you, we freaked out on that, Jack. He also put 400 pounds of sandbags in the trunk of his car so the front would raise up. And that old car would be leaning on his side, too, man. He was the only man who drove on two wheels. Just the two on his side were on the ground. So we had to ride on the outside, holding on to the window to keep the car on the ground.
And we'd be riding around the block, six of us hanging on that door. He could never make a right turn. Twice, I lost the seat of my pants. I love that car, man. We got more girls with that car because girls love the sound of They love that. And especially ours. Man, that was the toughest car in the world. You pull up to a bus stop and some girls say, I want to ride, I want to ride. Now, my father had a 52 Chevy.
It was the uncoolest-sounding car in the world. My father's car went Now, you compare You can't get no girl with no sound like that, man. Even if you pull up to a light and rev up, you say, Putin, Putin. And I tried to get dad to do, you know, dad, come on. He said, I'm not interested in getting no girls. So I used to put a hole in his muffler and then it went And dad couldn't understand it. Now, that's the fifth muffler I've had this month.
I took my driver's test and fed Albert's car. Oh, yeah. Sat up there, man. Was cool. At 16 years old. So I'm sitting in the car in Albert's car, you know, with the Cessna airplane in it. Waiting for the state trooper. Pennsylvania state troopers are all 6'4". Big hat, sunglasses, leather legs. My name is Woodard. I'm a state trooper. I'm sure you're familiar with the Pennsylvania vehicle driving motor responsive.
I need to start out with the rules and regulations. I was very sad. Yes. I tried, man. It was so embarrassing. I tried to come out with a yes. And it just went, yes. All right, you will start the car up and follow my directions. This thing's got a clutch on it. I hate the clutch, man. Now, easy on the clutch. And easy on the gas. And you come out slowly. Let up off of the clutch and down on the gas and move out.
Okay, let's go. I think you flooded it. How come? Well, there's gas shooting over your left shoulder. No, it always does that. And that trooper's sitting in the car. What is this? An airplane engine? Yeah. Well, how do you keep the engine cool? Well, you just have to keep moving. All right. Start it up. Pull out. Now, I want to clutch in the thing. And I didn't do it right, man. I panicked. And the car went...
For four blocks. The trooper's sitting there going... Lost his hat, his glasses. Finally, he reached over and turned the key. Here. You pass. You pass. I said, I almost got a heck of a car. Thanks. I said, I almost got a heck of a car. Thanks. I said, I almost got a heck of a car. Thanks. I said, I almost got a heck of a car. Thanks. I said, I almost got a heck of a car. Any Italians here? Right here.
Okay. If I say to you, "Fernet Branca," what is it? Well, it's better liquor. Yeah. You've had it? You better believe it. It's good, isn't it? It's good. It does the job. But, oh, how it tastes. Oh, man, I'll tell you something. Do you know how it helped me? No. I was in Italy. I was in Florence. There's a friend of mine. His name is Henry Silva. He was a Puerto Rican actor. He speaks Spanish and just a little bit of Italian.
But with the Spanish and the Italian together, he gets by. If you're in Italy, they love you when you speak Italian, man. So that helped. You know, because we didn't want to go to tourist places. They give you the same food that you get here, almost. You know, we want to go eat with the people. So we found a lot of restaurants around there. But everybody spoke Italian, you see. So Henry would come in.
You know, and the guys would say, They all centered their attention around Henry. And they loved Henry. And they look at me. I just couldn't speak nothing, you know. And I say, "Hey!" They say, "You sit down." And my wife would say, "Henry, order me something wonderful." And Henry would get the menu. And he'd say to the guy, "Hey, no man, you're in the mood." And my wife said, "Oh, Henry." And Henry's wife says, "Oh, yes, Henry."
And I'm sitting there. And I'm a man, Jack. And nobody's saying nothing to me. Cats won't give me the menu or nothing, you know. And I'm feeling like I'm Henry's child, you know. Henry could have a hamburger. You know. So I got mad. I got mad. Not with the Italians. Not with Henry. I got mad because I was frustrated, man. Nobody's paying attention to me. I'm losing my male-ness. Sitting here, I'm becoming a child.
But by the time we hit the fourth restaurant on the fourth day, I had it. So we walked in the restaurant and the same thing. Hey, . And they sit down with all that. And I said to the waiter, I said, "Give me a menu." So the guy said, "Sir, it's all written in Italian." I said, "Let me see the menu." He said, "I'm going to break this down. I'm going to order something for myself." Now, I figured that I could do it because I had four years of Latin 1.
I get the menu, and it's all Italian. Now,