Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Elsewhere' (2009) by Greg Proops on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Elsewhere, Phones, Britney, Hillary, Lindsay, Country Music, and Evel Knievel.

Greg Proops

Elsewhere

I like Los Angeles and I like California most of all and if you know anything about me you know that I detest elsewhere that would be the rest of America by the way where they point at planes when they're flying over and wonder where they're gonna go that's cool later when they land that part of America and because we live in LA and this isn't America by any stretch of the imagination this is a swirling vortex of baby-killing gay celebrity every moment of our lives here but travel East like 18 minutes and you'll fucking find America whenever shit is being kicked and mullets are worn and date rape is a Bruin that's where America is ladies and gentlemen's people we because we all live here in LA right and yet everyone is from somewhere else clearly I mean maybe I mean there's probably someone here from like Claremont or some fucking nonsense and that's your emotional trauma to deal with but mostly people come from elsewhere and they live here and yet they insist on telling me where they're from even though we've all come here and chosen to share the same delusion that somehow fortune will favor us and that the gods will smile down upon us here because Hollywood's not a city Hollywood's an idea held simultaneously by like a million assholes and since we're all laboring under the same illusion why must people insist on telling me where they emanate from whatever horrible god-forsaken christian shithole do you know that there's people from the Midwest for real they're here amongst us people from the west have infiltrated this area code and they're walking amongst us like the living dead they really and yet they always tell me where they're from people come and be like hey Greg I'm from buttermilk Indiana and I'll think that's fucked why tell me why harsh my mellow why bring me down I was doing nothing and yet you've decided to drop Indiana on me and but where I'm from sucks I'm guessing that's why you came here right you move to California from Indiana you notice no one moves from Los Angeles to the Indiana area at any point you don't find an LA neighborhood in the middle of Indianapolis with a bunch of people smoking bongs and playing hacky sack and shit all day and whining about shit wearing watch caps that doesn't happen and then but where I come from there there's Jesus we don't have Jesus here okay that's why we moved here all right we don't have BTK killers or children of the corn or high school basketball we don't give a fuck we have actual stuff here that happens we don't oh our Lord is a Jewish guy who works at Paramount okay and you have to teabag him to get what you want that's how our lives work here we have important goals we're striving toward I worship that man but it's so crowded here in Los yeah crowded in LA fucking popular all right that's why you can't park in LA fucking lots of people they want to come here and stuff go to Indiana park wherever you like you know what I mean pull right up into the vacant lot next to the revival meeting with the snake chasing in the Christian molesting and whatever in the high school basketball rape tent or whatever the fuck is going on out there with fat people with giant lesbian haircuts and upside-down glasses wearing Crocs and fanny packs eating deep-fried Twinkies at the state fair watching pig races and shit because the ultimate goal is to be so large you have to be buried in a piano case and lifted from a crane from your double-wide mobile home and then interred in some horrible consecrated piece of ground that was once a Civil War battlefield that they're pissed about because they fought the Civil War so a black guy wouldn't have to be president ever why share that with me but where I live yeah you're here now try to blend in okay you're aspirational you're trying for the 213 you live in the 310 let's move it up a notch okay get a piercing get a tattoo whatever it takes carry an iguana on your shoulder have that substitute for your personality so many people do start an online zine I know go to King's Road open up your computer and pretend to write a screenplay like every other cocksucker named Josh from your shithole I find that this generation, the young people of today, the 20-somethings and the 30-somethings who insist on acting like 20-somethings, that you find so much in Los Angeles, dudes with a Hello Kitty backpack and bad facial hair and they're 38 and you're like, "Bro, it's over."
You know that those are the guys who are gonna graduate to white pants and a beard in an expensive car in 10 years and hitting on girls one quarter their age to the disgust of all on earth. White pants should be worn at two times, one, if you're a sailor and two, never. Those are the times white pants should be worn by a grown man, ever. Unless you have ice cream for me, don't. Don't wear white pants, unless you're going to deliver yogurt to my door, which I don't think anyone does anymore.
I think the days of that are long, long past. What I was saying was the young people of today, I find are overly entertained and also have a kind of an inflated view of themselves, in my opinion, the teens and 20s of today think that because they have a personal communication device, like we were offered in the 60s by Mr. Spock, that somehow it's made your place in the world more important and that it's imperative that you be gotten a hold of at any time, day or night, and that you be able to text your drunk, dickhead, tattooed, rapey, fucking douchebag friends with their spiked up hair and their fucking ax body spray.
You know what I'm talking about. Don't fucking go all quiet. You know you're fucking texting while you're driving and shit. You know you fucking are. Because what, you're Spider-Man and have superpowers and shit. You can pilot a giant SUV and text and never look at the road because you're magic and shit. And everybody spells like Prince from 25 years ago. I heart you, you are hot. I love you too. with an L-U-V-2 and shit like words are gay, old man.
Fuck you. We don't need to observe words anymore. Those times is past. Fucking old lady, bitch. Why is she in the road? Old ladies are not hot. Let's hook up. You know when cell phones break down and you can't communicate with people, people always go, oh, the satellite, the satellite's down. You know what? The satellite's bored, okay? It's tired of your inane ass conversation is what it is. The satellite's like, oh, Jesus Christ, really?
No, I'm gonna turn towards Jupiter and see what the methane-filled people of the red spot have to say for a while. It's got to be more interesting than what's going on here. Have you ever heard a cell phone conversation which are always conducted at the top of people's fucking voices? Have you ever heard one that was imperative? Ever, ever, ever. It's never this, what? A busload of orphans has been in a terrible accident and they need all their limbs reattached and I'm the only surgeon in lower California who can do it?
I'll be there stat, click. No, it's never that. You're trying to eat dinner or you're in the movies and the phone goes off and it's the hilarious 1970s phone ringing bell. Ring. Hey, dude, what's up? Hey, dog. You wanna go see role models? We had mobile phones when I was a young child back in the 30s. Oh, yes, we did. It weighed 485 pounds. It was made out of solid titanium and it was stapled to the fucking kitchen wall.
And if it fell on you, it would fucking kill you. You can throw a phone at someone now and hit them in the head. Boom, it just bounces off because phones are nothing. If you threw a phone at someone in the 70s, you meant them grievous bodily injury because it was made out of the hardest plastic that they wear in their Kevlar vests in Iraq is what fucking phones were made of in the 70s. They were giant tortai, tortasai, tortalai, tortellini.
They were giant tortellinis is what they were and they would kill you. And oh, yes, they were mobile. You could take the cord and go over here. Look, I'm three feet away from the wall now. Isn't this crazy, dog? Woo, this is far out. I'm so space age. I'm in a rocket ship almost. I'm gonna have some tang. This is awesome. I'm gonna listen to my transistor with an earphone. That's how groovy I am. everyone is on Britney Spears dick all the time and I say get off her dick she's awesome thank you Britney Spears performs an enormously important function in today's hectic society she puts all of our lives in perspective thank you some people are on this other people what are you talking about dude I shall explain we all wish we had more meaning in our lives right clearly that's that's a quest in this day and age surely there's people here from Calabasas and they must think of it every moment of their lives my god why have I been put here what did I do in a past life did I kill a busload of orphans with a rake or something why am I consigned to Calabasas why must I live here why must I tell people my address is there we all wish we could reach out and connect with each other and and and bind in the anima that that holds us all together as homo sapiens we all wish we could be more influential in society and make a difference and then you see Britney Spears on TV and it's like fuck it I'm Nelson Mandela I yeah I forgot how important I was I am I am Martin Luther King I had no idea what a giant epicenter I was for the electrons that spin around society I am holding the fiber of the country together because I went out and did jello shots with my asshole douchebag friend last night and Britney put that in perspective for me when I saw the shallow as a petri dish cornbread eaten hoe driving backwards down Robinson Robertson with a mochaccino on her lap showing her twimpets to the world I felt pretty good about my fucking choices in life it made me feel good again and that's why I loves her and people are like Britney Spears is a bad mom you know what kids are demanding they really really are they're horrible if for any of you here who've bred you'll back me up on this children are incessant right non-stop it's always um uh uh uh uh uh you know uh feed me and what not give me affection guide me send me to school help me fuck you mommy's a star piss away out of my sight you fat squalling no neck meth addicted spawn of fetter line piss out of my life come back in 16 years when you're ready to score drugs then we can all enjoy a conversation together until then I don't want to hear about it and Britney Spears baby sister had a baby right uh but what you don't know is that Britney Spears baby sister's baby is also having a baby that's how white trash they are that baby's gonna be born through the aluminum siding of a double wide right into a vat of dr.
pepper just come up pull up its shirt here's my titties I want some beads where are the boys let's do a tequila slammer turn it up oh oh and people are like Britney's on drugs golly I hope so that would explain at least some of the bizarre and aberrant continual behavior and she's young right comparatively she's 26 which is like in chronological years fairly young in white trash here she's like what 95 100 she's like a world war one veteran in white trash years she's mother fucking courage and white trash here she's mother father time but 26 years old with an unlimited spielbergian budget of ill-gotten gains she has the mad scrilla she has the dizzy dosh man she can if I can buy all the drugs she liked when I was 26 I was stealing weed from my roommate's drawer and leaving a humorous note if I had Britney Spears money and I was her age I would have Ecuador delivered to my home each morning just an armada of cocaine bearing ships leading to a a giant giant buzz of helicopters flying over with moving vans filled with coke and then just drop it down on the lawn of my palatial mansion you know and then beep beep beep from the back door falls open and the whole lawn fills up with blow llamas are fucking leaping out the back you know little Bolivian pip