Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Economics II' (2001) by Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: RARE: Jim Gaffigan - Economics II (Full Album) 2001.

Jim Gaffigan

Economics II

Yay! Hooray! Hooray! Alright, kick ass! Alright, I've never heard of me either. Who is he and why is he so pale? I am this pale. I wish I was... Everyone in this city is so ethnic. I wish I was ethnic. I am nothing. Not even a little bit, you know? Because if you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, he's got a Latin temper. But if you're a regular white guy and you get mad, people are like, that guy's a dick.
Stay away from him, he's a turd. Black guy walks in the room and people think, Wesley Snipes, Samuel Jackson. I walk in and people are like, I gotta do my taxes. And I hate John Tesh. John Tesh is a friend of ours. I wish I was Asian, you know? Because my interest in Asian women wouldn't be considered so creepy. It's home for a lot of us, doesn't it? Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
He was a very good mommy. Always on the piano, though. People always do know someone that looks like me. They're always like, yeah, I know someone that looks like you. I never know what to say. Well, tell them hi. I'm sure they're paying good Rogaine. I don't know. I don't even recognize people when they look like me. I'm always like, who does that dork look like? Oh, shit, that's me. Oh, dear. It's the paleness.
You're pale like me, too, huh? If you and I got married, we'd have invisible children. But they'd be raised with love. It's the first thing people notice about me, how pale I am. I could be skipping down Broadway, juggling dildos. People would be like, hey, look at how pale he is. That reminds me, we need milk. It stinks, because people think you're unaware of it, too. They're like, you're going to Jamaica?
You should wear sunscreen. Oh, really? I've never been outside. Should I wipe my ass with a rake? I'm a moron. I need your help. All summer long. There's always one person coming to me all summer. Do you tan? Do I look like I tan? That's like going up to a homeless person going, hey, do you vacation in Europe? Are you a gold card member? What would be a good housewarming gift? I'm very pale. I'm very anti-summer.
Don't get me wrong. There's no boost to the ego quo like the one you get from putting sunscreen on the top of your head. Oh, yeah, ladies. Here I come. What's that smell? That's SPF 45 on my cabeza. That's disgusting. Oh, yeah. I can't wear shorts. When I wear shorts, people are like, hey, I'm trying to eat here, buddy. You got those sausage legs. That's sad. I'm going bald. I'm still going bald. It's never going to end.
I like to think balding is simply God's way of saying, now let's see you get laid, huh? You were really white and blind before, now we're going to make you bald. Hey, Jesus, get down here. Look at this sack of shit struggle. Isn't that cute? He's grabbing pornography. Let's have some hair grow out of his ears for now. I'm bald, blind, and pale. I'm like a gigantic, recessive gene. It wouldn't surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail.
Oh, great. Have you seen the comic with a tail? He's delightful. Got the glasses. You got glasses there. Sir, I trust people with glasses. Don't you? It's like, well, ask him. He's got glasses. But if you're wearing your glasses like this, get away from him. Did you ever take directions from someone that looks like us? Where you got to go? Hey, 9th Street, why don't we take my spaceship? I got to pick up Santa Claus anyway.
Hey, a favor for favor, you got changed for a booger? A booger? That's gross. Can't with that tough in glasses, though. Never see somebody push up their glasses and go, I'm going to kick your ass. Oh, yes, I am. But first, I need to log on to this website. People always want to try your glasses on, too. I'll have strangers come to me. Hey, let me try on your glasses. That's rude. I don't go to people with hair pieces.
Hey, let me try on your wig. I feel it. Let me sit in your wheelchair. Oh, my God. You are so crippled, huh? You must get the best parking. Let me check out your respirator. Stop shaking. Well, now's no time for a nap. Someone died in that, John. They're sad. And they're expensive, too, glasses. People that sell them are always a little pretentious to rationalize the cost. They're always like, what would you like your glasses to say?
What would I like my glasses to say? I don't know. How about I got a big dick? And one of you that say that, that is filthy. That doesn't seem like a joke he would tell. The only advantage of wearing glasses is you can do that dramatic removal. You ever see that? My God. Holy mother of God. I can't see a thing. I'm absolutely blind without these. It's probably why I wear them. Oh, yes. You ever notice when people are thinking in movies, they're always chewing on the end of their glasses?
If we give the alien a cold. You know what they're really thinking? It tastes like wax. This is disgusting. I need a Jolly Rancher. A Jolly Rancher? He probably got a product placement thing. Do you have poor vision there, sir? Yeah. Tell you, when you have poor vision, you'll just casually describe yourself as blind. I am so blind. I'm so blind. You would never do that in front of an actual blind person.
I am so blind. Not as blind as you. Not all darkness. I'm still allowed to drive. Just exaggerating. Anyone legally blind here? Anyone illegally blind? When did vision become a legal issue? Was there someone on Capitol Hill going, forget about gun control. We've got bogus blind people to deal with. With their fake dogs and their rubber pencils. They're making a mockery of our blind populace. I say we deal with it now.
That was a scary, authoritative voice he did. He did some scary voices. I took a nap today. I love sleep. Who loves sleep? A round of applause. Isn't that the best? I love sleep. Have you ever been asleep at night and you're awakened by a noise? You're convinced. Is someone breaking in your house and they're going to kill you? But instead of getting up and escaping, you just go back to bed? What is that, a murderer?
I gotta get some sleep. Can't kill me if I'm asleep. That'd be embarrassing to get to heaven. How'd you die? I was too lazy to get out of bed. I heard the guy in the kitchen. I thought I had an hour. Sleep is too important. Sleep can make you give up any principle, too. Have you ever been invited to something? Hey, want to help the homeless? Yeah, I'll help the homeless. Meet a Saturday at 7 a.m. Oh, forget the homeless.
They're homeless in the afternoon, too, right? I think they're big brunch people. I should let them sleep in a little bit. I have to negotiate with myself just to get out of bed. I'm like, all right, here's the deal, me. I'll get up, but I'm not taking a fucking shower. Because I might be coming back in. Every morning, I hear the alarm. It's like, eh, eh. And I think to myself, I could just get used to that.
I'll just dream I'm in a techno club or something. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. You ever have a dream where you get in an argument with someone? Next time you see them, they're like, hey, how you doing? And you're like, fuck you. Don't act like you didn't push me off that cliff. You're lucky I had wings. Very lucky. Isn't it weird how interesting your dreams are? But if someone tries to tell you their dream, you're like, whatever.
Why don't they send me an email so I can delete it, huh? Blah, blah, blah. You ever have that friend that writes the really long emails? You open it up, you feel like you got homework. I can't read this now. I'm going to keep that as new. I don't even read them half the time. I just hit reply. Sounds good. Don't write back. Please, don't write back. There's some ladies. I like the ladies' tables. Those are the best.
Those remind me of those ladies' luncheons my mom would do a one. She'd be like, me and the ladies are going out to lunch. And she'd come back like eight hours later. Me and the ladies went to lunch. Your father's a prick. And get me a gyro. She loved gyros. My family's always arguing. She always starts off innocent and then it gets vicious right away. So I was like, hey, looks like you're losing some hair.
At least my wife's not a whore. Good to see you. From a very big family. Nine parents. Anyone from one of those? That's confusing, huh? I'm actually one of six kids Catholic. You know those people from big Catholic families? You ever saw that Catholic after the number? I was like, six kids, Catholic. Six kids, Catholic. As if you didn't hear the Catholic part. You'd think, six kids? His mother was a whore.
Oh, she was Catholic. Then it's okay. I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest, people are always like, you're the baby. You're spoiled. You know, the fact is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. Okay, I'm going roller skating. You're not going roller skating. You're going to let it pregnant like your sister. What? Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?
I guess I could. Parents get burned out in the big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always like, the first kid, you were named after Grandma. Seventh kid, you were named after a sandwich I had. I love that sandwich. Now get your brother Ruben. Oh, that was silly. That was silly how he brought her back. If my dad was here, he would demand that you laugh. You wouldn't have an option.
He'd be like, bang, start laughing. He used to demand that we'd be in a good mood. He'd be like, bang, go out there and be in a good mood. My dad, it's a funeral. I don't give a shit. Go over there and stand next to the casket. My dad doesn't understand technology. I've lived alone for 10 years. I've had the same outgoing answering machine message, which is, hi, this is Jim. Please leave a message.
To this day, if I'm not home, my dad will leave the same message on my answering machine. He'll go, beep. Hello. Hello. Tell Jim his dad called. Who's he talking to? Yeah, dad, my answering machine told me he called. I would have called earlier, but the toaster told me I was hungry. It's insane. He's retired. Ever since my dad retired, he gets on crazes. Like his latest craze is butter. I'm not making this up.
I was starting to be like, Jim, I've just had the best butter of my life. I'm like, dad, you need something to do. Because butter's not that important. Then he proceeded to inform me that the butter was made by the Amish. Of course, he meant the Amish. But he's always had his own language. One time he asked me, he goes, Jim, have you ever been to Cancun? Yeah, dad, what travel agent are you using?
He's mellowed out a little bit. He used to be so intense. When I was getting ready for college, he sat me down. And he goes, Jim, I'm not sending you to college so you can get drunk and flunk out. Well, then I'm not going. You're going to have to send a neighbor. What is this, Russia? That's silly. He will treat you to things, my dad, but not necessarily things you want. He'll be like, tomorrow we're getting up at 5 a.m.
Sitting in a boat for 12 hours until your head turns a bright beat red. Happy birthday. He always wants to suggest things for my act. So every now and then he'll call me over there. Jim, here's a really cute story for your act. It's always the most random shit. I was shoveling two weeks ago when the gloves I had fell apart. So I call up those bastards at Sears. Just then call waiting breaks and it's your brother.
His wife's just giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. Jim, why don't you use that in your act? Yeah, Dad, I think my answering machine wants to talk to you. He wants to come to New York. My dad's never been to New York. I could just see him dealing with some Egyptian cab driver. Okay, Moe Hamhead. I don't speak hieroglyphics. Let's go to the Empire State Building. You bastard. It's crazy. It sounds like he comes from a crazy family.
I'm originally from Indiana and I know what most of you are thinking. Indiana. Mafia. The fact that where I grew up there was s