Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Monster' (2021) by Jim Gaffigan on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: I didn't know we were eating hands | Jim Gaffigan #shorts.

Jim Gaffigan

Comedy Monster

Everyone's got to settle down with the prayer hands emoji. The overuse is ridiculous. You get a text from a friend, "See you at dinner, prayer hands." No, no prayer hands. Are you not gonna make it? What are you suggesting, that we eat hands for dinner? Hawaii it's incomparable to any other state it's a tropical paradise it's almost like Hawaii was this Polynesian island nation that we just took over you know what I mean like it wasn't even part of the United States we just went in like it was an open house nice nice we could do our honeymoon here we'll take it the Hawaiians were like we're our own countries that's cute love your flower shirt got to get one of them and Hawaiians will tell you they'll come right up to you they'll be like you stole this land I'm like I don't know how to break it to you but we stole all the land probably just stings a little more because it's pretty here believe me there's people in Detroit pissed at us Who's your favorite billionaire pretend astronaut?
Can you believe there's a choice? And it's not between just two. We live in a day when billionaires are building their own rockets to fly to outer space, and no one's saying, "Are you sure they're paying all their taxes?" 'Cause I know some teachers that need supplies. Thank you. I like having women around for many reasons, not least of which is they're attractive and men are not. You know? Like, when a guy's good-looking, it's like a fluke of nature.
And you know what all attractive men have in common? They kind of look like women. That's the only way straight guys can tell who's good-looking. Well, he must be attractive. He barely looks like a dude. Good-looking crowd here. Wow. Very good-looking. Very good-looking crowd here. Well, not all of you. You know, not all of you. But I'm not breaking any news, right? We know where we stand. Yeah, we learn from such an early age.
Like, I remember kindergarten, the girls would chase the cute boys at recess, and let's just say I didn't do a lot of running. Or any running. I remember being five years old and going, "Oh, this is how it's gonna be. I'm gonna have to write some jokes. And I'll be hanging out with the fellas." I still hang out with the fellas. I had a friend during the lockdown who spent the entire time planning a guy's weekend.
Every time I talked to him, he would make it sound less appealing. Like, "Dude, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna rent a cabin for a weekend. Just guys, no women." I'm already out. No, no, no, think about it. Just guys, no women. We'll smoke cigars, play poker all weekend. Sounds horrible. You're not thinking it through. Just guys, no women, for a whole weekend. Like we're in prison. I look forward to it.
Every year my brother Mitch goes on a golfing trip with 30 men. 30 men. They fly to Florida. They rent three houses. Ten men to a house. They play golf in the morning. They eat lunch together. Play golf in the afternoon. Then they go back to the houses. I don't know, have sex with each other. I don't know what they do. It sounds horrible. How much fellowship can you have? My brother's not gay. And obviously I wouldn't care if he was.
But if he ever came out, he could be like, I gave you so many hints. I literally vacationed with 30 men. We rented out a cul-de-sac. We played with sticks and balls all day. How clear did I have to make it? I guess the point I'm trying to make is golf makes people gay. So the next time a friend says, I'm going to play golf with the fellas, just be like, enjoy. No, I prefer mixed company. I do. You know, there's a cliche that men are dumb.
And I have enough male friends to know that's based on some truth. Every man in here has that friend that they occasionally look at and wonder how they hold down a job. And if you don't think that about a friend, that means you're the friend. That means you're the friend. - Still wearing masks? There was that time when nobody had to wear a mask, right? That was a fun day. Remember the first time you went out in public without a mask?
It was weird, right? You felt naked. You're like, "Oh, I'm so European." What is this, the French Riviera? I was kind of tempted to wear like a thong mask. Something tasteful yet naughty. I can see his cheeks, but they're still a mystery. Ooh la la. Round and pale and mostly balding, the boy from Indiana goes walking, and as he does, all the people he passed go, "Yuck." Initially, it was strange seeing other people's faces without a mask, right?
You wanted to go up to some people, like, "You should stick with a mask." It's a better look for you. You in a mask is better for everyone. Did you meet anyone during the pandemic where you only knew them with a mask? And then when you finally saw them bare-faced, you're like, "Yikes." You felt like you were a catfish. You're like, "Wow, your face doesn't match your voice at all." And who stole your chin?
Of course, the biggest reveal of the pandemic was how many crazy people there are. That was a bit of a surprise. We all knew there were some Unabombers out there, but nobody thought there were that many. Or that we were related to a couple of them. Because everyone had that relative or friend that came out as bonkers. "I no longer believe in reality!" Good to know. It was like a gender reveal for insanity.
"The truth is no longer true!" "See you at Thanksgiving." I feel like it happened for me more often, because I've always had friends that are eccentric thinkers, and they're normally really entertaining. They're like, "Bigfoot's real, man. Bigfoot is real." But that same person at one point during the pandemic was like, "Tom Hanks eats babies." Don't say that. Tom Hanks does eat babies, and if you don't believe that, then you eat babies!
All right. Tom Hanks eats babies. He always seemed like a baby eater to me. The thing I missed most during the lockdown was restaurants. I know that's a surprise. I didn't even realize how much I missed restaurants 'til the first time I went out to eat, and I caught myself cat-calling other people's food. "Oh, yeah! What I would do to you. Get me a fork and knife. Jim, you're in public." Oh, I'm sorry.
Still getting used to having teenagers. Recently, my 17-year-old daughter told me that she wants to be an actor, which is so crazy, because when I was that age, that movie The Dead Poets Society came out, which is an amazing movie with Robin Williams, where he plays this teacher who inspires these students to seize the day, right? And one of the students wants to be an actor. And, you know, he joins the play, and he invites his dad to see the play, and after the play, he tells his dad that he wants to be an actor.
And the dad's like, you're not going to be an actor, that's stupid, that's a waste of time and money, I don't know. And the kid's so distraught, he kills himself. And then the teacher gets fired, and all the kids stand on death. Anyway, it's a great movie. Now that I'm the parent of a teenager, I realize that Dad in The Dead Poets Society was right. I'm kidding. I know the point of the movie is don't be a teacher.
Did you know that-- I didn't know this. Marching bands started as military bands. They would march armies into battle. And they were for morale and to intimidate the enemy. I don't know how that would work. Oh, no. They know Fleetwood Mac. Should we go back? What if Lindsey Buckingham's with them? How do they convince someone playing a trumpet to march into battle? Head on in there. Won't they have weapons?
You're going to fight them with music. If you survive, please wake us up in the morning with a run-da-da-da-da-da-da. Everyone's got to settle down with a prayer hands emoji. The overuse is ridiculous. You get a text from a friend, "See you at dinner, prayer hands." No, no prayer hands. Are you not going to make it? What are you suggesting, that we eat hands for dinner? We follow good-looking people on social media Instagram beautiful people have millions of followers and we like their photos and sometimes we put a flame emoji it's totally socially acceptable if you did that in real life you go to jail excuse me sir what are you doing I'm following that lady can I ask why I like to look at her can you give her this torch I brought her and these prayer hands my kids find me annoying all children find their parents annoying which is kind of ironic given children essentially ruin their parents lives parents give their children their time their energy and their money and we repay our parents with resentment you ever see an adult get a phone call from one of their parents you'd think it was a debt collector oh that's my mom yeah i know you took care of me for a quarter of a century but now's not a good time you know it wasn't a good time giving up my dreams so you could be a general disappointment oh Some Catholics get really angry.
They're like, well, you're so critical of the Catholic Church. Why are you even Catholic? Because I believe human beings are inherently flawed. That's one of the reasons. But mainly, I'm afraid of my wife. Oh, you may have noticed that there's a piano on stage. And, uh, some of you may be wondering, hey, why would Jim Gaffigan have a piano on stage? And... What you may not realize is that I... do not play the piano.
Jim, that was... Really? Did he bring the piano just for that joke? That's pathetic. I did not win the genetic lottery. I am bald, blind, and pale. It wouldn't surprise me if I woke up tomorrow with a tail. Have you seen the comic with the tail? He's very pale, and the tail even has a bald spot. - When my wife's really annoyed with me, she doesn't give me the silent treatment. She'll just take too long to answer a simple question.
She'll just be standing a foot away looking at her phone and I'll be like, "Hey, what time do we have to do that school thing?" And she'll just be like... "It's in the calendar." "Are you mad at me?" "No." My wife is very good-looking, that's right, I'm part of a mixed couple. It's not fair, she's good-looking, she's smart, she's creative, but you know what? Horrible taste in men. So it evens out.
I'm happily married, but I would say once a week, I catch my wife give me a look like, I'm gonna have to let you go. Because I disappoint her, constantly. I do things that annoy her, like here's something I do that annoys my wife. I use the bathroom. I know, I should, right? I get in trouble for not telling her I'm gonna use the bathroom. You just disappeared, where'd you go? I didn't know I needed a hall pass.
I also get in trouble for telling her I'm gonna use the bathroom. I'm gonna use the bathroom. Again? Are you okay? How many times is that today? You're disgusting. What are you doing there? Uh, mostly get away from you. When my wife's really annoyed with me, she doesn't give me the silent treatment, she'll just take too long to answer a simple question. She'll just be standing a foot away looking at her phone and I'll be like, hey, what time do we have to do that school thing?
She'll just be like... What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school?
What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school?
What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time do we have to do that school? What time