Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Comedy Central Presents Amy Schumer' (2010) by Amy Schumer on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Amy Schumer- “Never Shake A Baby”- Full Special.

Amy Schumer

Comedy Central Presents Amy Schumer

Comedy Central presents Amy Schumer Look at this, this is amazing. I can't believe what a big theater. I don't even know which way to face in here. It's like sex. No, but really, this is, I feel like crying. It's like sex. I just can't. Wow, thank you for coming. Welcome. I'm so excited about this. This is amazing. And I just want to get something off my chest, just right off the bat. I'm a Jew. Really?
Okay, now you guys are just phoning it in. No, but seriously, any Jews here? Any? A couple? All right, not bad. Kind of half for New York. I guess the rest of us are out running the world. But it's good you guys are here too. You're really a Jew. You're so pretty. God, I love it. It's so good. You can't even see your horns. This is fun. This is great. And I just went to our homeland for the first time.
Have you guys ever been to Miami? Yeah? That is where the chosen people are, if you didn't know about it. Oh my God, I had no idea. Miami is crazy. I'm never going back there. Everyone there was gorgeous. Gorgeous, right? I do okay in New York, you know, for a comedian. I'm bringing the thunder up here. Okay? Comic? Come on. Yeah. I usually do okay. In New York, I'm like a six, like seven with all the padding.
But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, what the is that? Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, Beyonce calls it jelly. They were like, that's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges. And I was like, oh my God. Everyone's hot. Like, their homeless people are hot in Miami. They're not our bird-obsessed, weird, homeless. I made out with a homeless guy by accident.
I had no idea. He was like, really tan. He had no shoes on. I just thought it was like, his thing, you know? I'm like, he's probably in a band. Um, my friend's like, he probably doesn't have a home. But, uh, and the way I found out, we were like, sitting on this bench and we were like, kissing, you know, or like, doing it. I don't remember. Uh, cause it's like, so bright down there. But, I was like, listen, let's take this party back to your place.
Right? He's like, bitch, this is my place. It was sad. It was a hard time for me. Hard time. Ugh. And they have these things in Miami. I don't know if you guys have ever seen them before. I'd never even heard of them. They have those little, um, the Cuban people? Ugh. I am obsessed. Obsessed. I met my first Cuban guy. Ladies, listen to this name. Cesar. How sexy is that? So sexy. I'd never even seen him before.
Just gorgeous. He's 3'11". I don't care. I'm like, what, do we have to go to amusement parks? We'll work it out. So. So cute. And the way I met him, crazy, my little Cuban cigar. We're at the hotel restaurant. And I was just trying to order a corn muffin for breakfast. You know, minding my own business. And the waitress is like, oh, he just got the last corn muffin. We only have chocolate chip left.
Cesar hears this. And he comes over and he's like, you can take the corn muffin. I'm like, how cute is this guy? But you know we're not allowed to trade with you guys. So what? Like, I make the rules. Like, I'm. It's really hard. Oh, I've been drinking a ton. You guys drinkers? Yeah. Thank you. Good. She's like, no, actually, I have my together. I hope your car flips over. But, um. No, you're cute.
But I do. I drink so much. And I black out when I drink. Is that the worst? No, your mind goes to sleep. But your body's like, tonight is my night. It sucks. Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, what is this Pilates mat doing out? You guys. Never. I've never, like, rolled over and been like, who's this fella? Leonardo DiCaprio? Like. Maybe in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
I'm like, who is going to roll this out the door? But, uh. But, no, I have an excuse, actually. Why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet. This is exciting. Um. I'm drinking for two. Um. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. I mean, just, just for now. But, uh. Somebody's being evicted. Thank you. You guys are bad. You guys are bad. It's a weird time. My late 20s, New York. Like, my friends are just starting to keep them.
And. It's hard. They're calling me. It's a weird age. They're like, hey, Mom, I'm pregnant. And I still don't know whether to be like, congratulations. Or do you need a ride? Like, what? Where are we? You know? It's weird. And there's nothing more awkward. All right. Nothing. Than going to the first birthday party. Of a little girl. When you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell.
The kid. I'm like, here's Tickle Me Elmo. She's like, you. I'm like, oh, my God. I stand by my decision. No, she's cute. There was this big ad campaign on the subways last summer for babies. Did you see it? Not like selling them, but taking better care of them. And there was this one. And it said, never shake a baby. You're just like, how am I supposed to have fun with them? Or like, what if they're judging you?
They didn't think it through. And there's another one. It says, it's safest to let them sleep alone. Especially if you drink, use drugs, or are overweight. Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned, or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things. I'll be honest with you guys. When I'm drunk, there's no accounting for me.
I do, but you know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk, I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. And, wow, nobody likes that at a barbecue. But, uh, no, I'm totally not racist. But I'm getting a really racist vibe from you. Is that, she's like, what's your least favorite ethnicity? No, don't answer. Are you serious? She's like, I don't care for Pakistanis. Um, let's just keep that to yourself.
Uh, no, I'm not at all. My best friend in the whole world is black. She's a comic. And it's cool, because right now she's teaching me how to, like, freestyle rap, which I'm actually pretty good at. And I'm teaching her how to freestyle swim. So, I'm like, Marco. She's like, I don't know what that means. It's a whole process, but we're having fun with it. But, no, I couldn't be less racist. I mean it.
I was at a party two weeks ago in L.A., and who walks in but Michelle Kwan. Do you know who I mean? Ice skater, Olympian, right? Okay. Actually, she kind of, like, glided in. She was like, oh, we were all like, bitch, we knew you were coming. Just, like, chill out. She's, like, carrying a torch. We were like, it's over sequence. So, we're talking. She's like, blah, blah, like, boring ice skate chatter.
You know? She's telling me. She's like, it's so hard to get ice time. I'm like, your problems are so real. I'm like, people have no arms, and she's like, ice time. So, we're talking, right? And out of nowhere, nowhere, she tells me that Oliver Stone, you know, the director, she's like, he has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive. And I'm like, why, Kwan? That sounds awesome, you know?
And she's like, well, I'm offended because I'm Asian. And I was just like, well, I'm sorry, but I didn't even notice that. I thought you were just, like, really tired. You're awesome. Are the Asian people laughing? I can never tell. No, I totally dealt with racism growing up. I grew up, I was the only Jewish kid in my town, and I grew up on Long Island. Do you guys know what that means? My mom found the one town where we had to be Jews, like, underground.
She was like, write in this diary. I was like, what? I'm like, dear Kitty, but, uh, no, I totally, the kids didn't call me Amy Schumer, they called me Amy Joomer. And one summer, I'll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, excuse me, this is awesome, oh my God. This is like the well-seen in Goonies. I was like, make it rain. Ah, the beginning of DuckTales, I was like, woo-hoo, ah.
Such a good summer, but, uh, no, I really am, I'm cool with all races, all religions, except for some of you. And, uh, no, but I was on the subway, not that long ago, there was this little old woman sitting next to me. You know when they get, like, really little and old? Like, she looked like a raisin. And I was like, ah, I want to put you in my cereal, uh, but anyway, this woman on the subway, guys, when I say she was old, like, she was in Downward Dog, I was like, why is your body asking a question?
But, um, so out of nowhere, she asked me, she was like, have you heard the good news? And I didn't know what she meant, I was just like, no, like, is the morning after pill over the counter again? Like, what's, for, for some of us it's plan A, so, I was excited, you know? But I'm just like, what's the good news? Like, fill me in, Blanche. And she's like, no. She was like, come to the Times Square Church.
Like, she was, she was trying to save me, you know? So, as nicely as I could, I was like, ma'am, I'm so sorry, but my people are Jewish. And she's like, that's okay, your people just haven't found Jesus yet. And I was like, um, no, like, we found him. Maybe you even heard the bad news. I, so hard. Thank you. Thank you. She died in my arms, but, um, really sad, but. I watch a lot of reality TV, I'll be honest with you guys.
And I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy, you know, just to think that out there there was some guy, like, flipping through the channels, being like, hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship, it's, no, he's not here, um, always looking, but, uh, I miss out on so many great reality shows, because the title throws me off, you know, like, my friends all got really into that show, The Deadliest Catch, but I never watched it, because I always just, like, assumed it was about AIDS, but.
It's about crabs. Um. Don't tune in looking for that big AIDS hour. Uh. No, some people know nothing about that disease, it's really sad. Like, my college roommate, Lisa, oh my God, I remember, we were freshmen, I was like, hey, Lisa, like, you should go get tested, because you're a huge slut. Um, you let your friends know, right, not like I was awesome, I mean, I thought the freshman 15 was how many guys you were supposed to sleep with, but, uh, gained it, um, but, uh, I should have known that Lisa was a slut, because the day she moved in, she showed me, she was one of those girls who could put her whole fist in her, yeah.
I'm like, let me hang up my Dave Matthews poster first, please. Get these ramen noodles brewing. Now, uh, I can't even believe I graduated from college. I feel like you know what you're going to be good at when you're older, based on what you like when you're younger. Like, when I, when I was younger, my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always, like, playing with rocks, counting them, and now he's a crackhead, so.
It's amazing, isn't it? It's really amazing. But the best example is my older brother, because when we were kids, he loved cats. Everybody else likes dogs, right? No, loved cats. And he grew up to be this huge pussy, so. It's weird how it worked out that way, isn't it? Uh, I just, I lost some weight this year, thanks to Spanx, so. Um, yeah, our little secret. But there, there's so much pressure for women to be skinny, right?
We turn on the TV, and who do we see? We see, like, the girls from the hills, right? Trying to form thoughts, that's how they burn their calories. Um, little Heidi's head's going to explode. Or, uh, or we see Paris Hilton with the chihuahua. What's its name? Nicole Richie. It's hard. It's hard. And the way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs, which I can't afford, so.
It's hard. Um, but, no, usually I feel pretty good about myself. Like, I know what I look like. Like, you'd bang me, but you wouldn't blog about it. I get it. I'm fine with it. You won't be Twittering, like, you won't believe who I'm inside. But it's fine. I'm okay. I'm 