Megyn Kelly of Fox News, a couple of weeks before Christmas, she got on TV and actually said, "Everybody knows Santa was white and Jesus was white." Now, Santa was an imaginary character, and I could not have imagined a white dude dropping shit off in the neighborhood I grew up in, unless it was a warrant. Ho, ho, ho, is your brother home? That ain't Santa. How you know? Santa drove a sleigh. He just got out of the Impala. There's a movie called The Son of God, man, and people, the biggest complaint in the movie was that Jesus was too handsome. Matter of fact, in the New Testament, there is no mention, no actual physical description of Jesus, but scholars believe based in the region of the world he lived in and the diet those people ate, that he was short and hunchback. So, all these years we've been worshiping Danny DeVito. Why did Jesus look like Shrek? Shut up and bend down, that's the Lord. There are many things, there is at least one thing Jesus did that made you believe he was white. Like when he turned over all those tables in that temple and didn't go to jail. But Jesus was most assuredly a dark man. You could tell by what happened to him. He was tried, convicted, and executed for a crime he never committed. The Old Testament said Jesus had Skinner Brad's hair Lansworth. You let somebody looking like that come through an American airport. TSA would be pulling him out of line. My man, come here for a minute. Put your sandals in the band. You and them 12 motherfuckers with you. Oh, you Jesus? Well, it's gonna be a miracle if you make your flight. I know that shit. You can walk on water, but can you make Southwest leave on time? I bet you. Detroit elected as first white mayor in 50 years because they went broke. You know you're broke when you can't get a Capital One card. What's in your wallet? Not a goddamn thing. OJ Simpson's back in the news. That's a fat fucker now, huh? He went from OJ to Mountain Dew, didn't he? OJ went to jail and lost his neck. I'm innocent! Ariel Castro, the man in Cleveland, the bus driver in Cleveland, had three girls changed in his basement for 11 years. This motherfucker recently committed suicide. Now, they had him on suicide watch, but they only checked every three days. He's like... This motherfucker's not getting a hint. Maybe we should put a rope in this baloney sandwich. They gave him life plus a thousand years. And that was the deal that he accepted. What a shitty lawyer he had. Listen, I've been negotiating with the prosecutor all week. I've managed to get them to agree to life plus a thousand years. I'll take it. Charles Ramsey, the man who rescued those three girls. How come white people always find the crazy-looking black man to tell her what happened? Not you, sir. You look too normal. You, the barber from Coming to America. Tell the country what you saw. Well, I was coming back from McDonald's. And that motherfucker said, McDonald's white people leaned in close. This is gonna be good. Black people all over the country. No! This motherfucker said, McDonald's on CNN. I ain't going to work tomorrow. I don't want to hear that shit in the break room. Hey, like that, you want to go to McDonald's? Fuck you, Ralph. Ain't never been no goddamn McDonald's. McDonald's. You knew when he said it, black people. Oh, shit. This is gonna be bad for President Obama. Here's what tripped me out. Did they call him a hero? Now, he said, I was coming back from McDonald's. And I heard this woman screaming. So, I went to go see what's the matter. And they called him a hero. Let me just let you in on a little something. When a man hears a woman screaming, he's supposed to go see what the fuck is the matter. They don't make you a fucking hero. That's called human empathy. That's why God gave us screams so motherfuckers would come. And come. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. The point remains the same. Now, when women are in a crisis situation, they say, never yell help. Yell fire. Because no one will even bother to come help you. That's how fucked up we are as human beings. He won't come help you, but he will come to see some shit burn up. Hey, uh. Hey, lady. I know you're naked and bleeding, but have you seen the fire? You made me put down my McDonald's for this shit. If my throat didn't hurt so bad right now. The Boston Marathon, they shut down the entire city hoping to catch the culprits. The ATF, the FBI, that's not what caught the terrorists. What caught the terrorists was a little dude who had his legs blown off. He woke up after surgery and was able to describe to the police who he saw leave the crockpot. The other terrorists was caught because another white dude saw a trail of blood leaving from his grass to his boat. He called the police. That man was caught. Fuck the FBI or the ATF. You don't need them. Give me a nosy white neighbor any day. Mrs. Kravitz should be in charge of the CIA. Because white people see everything. You know, I was walking my dog at 4.30 in the morning and I saw the suspect or black guy, whichever makes you comfortable. He was coming back from McDonald's and at that point... Well conservatives say it's because we took God out of school. We took a lot of stuff out of school like learning. God is an omnipotent being. He goes wherever he's asked to go. You don't need a group pair with one ass. God will show up. That's fucking ridiculous. And he ain't going to be thwarted by your bullshit metal detector. Wait a minute. Who are you? I'm the Alpha and the Omega. Well your name is not on the list. You will still need to go see the school secretary. If you have anything with your name on it, look on the back of your money. Background checks, because gun owners don't give a fuck what your background is. They just want to sell a gun. They don't give a fuck how you look. Hey you know this semi-automatic would go great with your black trench coat. That you wearin' in the summer. To go see Batman. We ain't gonna do background checks, but what about credit checks? If we had to do credit checks to get a gun, America would be the safest country in the world. You need a 700 score, there'd be two guns. Of course, black people would put a gun in their baby's name. No, just... What does a three-year-old need a nine millimeter for? She go to school in Chicago, God damn it. Aaron Alexis, man. He shot up the naval shipyard in September. It was documented that he had mental illnesses, man. Matter of fact, a couple of weeks before he did the shooting, he went to the police in Rhode Island and said that he was hearing voices coming out of the microwave telling him to hurt somebody. Cause that's the thing about this country that I love so much, America, having a mental illness does not disqualify you for owning a gun, it just don't qualify you for help. Like, what the fuck is that all about? Listen, I'm really scared, I've been hearing voices, I need to see someone. We don't have a doctor. Well, who can I see? Take this gun. Your co-workers will hear you tomorrow. If we're not going to do background checks, the solution to saving lives is simple. Station a black person at the front of every school and place of employment in America. We don't need a background check, we can tell when somebody ain't right. Look at this crazy motherfucker right now. Y'all get your backpacks, it's going to be a short day. This place about to be on the news. White people just walk up through the truck, but what are you doing here with that camouflage on? Well, if we just take the guns out of the hands of the people who are mentally ill, that'll make us a safer society. Not true. Statistically, mentally ill people are more likely to be victimized by a crime than the perpetrator of a cop. Oftentimes, it's not even people that have a mental illness. It's the lonely, the outcast, the misfits, the people on the fringes of society, the no counts. In other words, the people who women refuse to fuck. They're by endangering all of our lives. Do your part for America. Fuck a weirdo and save a life. I recently took a trip to Qatar, which is in the Middle East. I flew an Arabic airline. I don't know if you ever walk up with the pilots speaking Arabic, but that shit is fucking horrifying. I woke up all night. I jumped up immediately. Oh my God, they got the plan. Jesus, take the wheel. In that part of the world, men have all the rights. They can have as many women as they want, as long as they keep them in the same standard of living. Now, conversely, women have virtually no rights. If a woman gets disrespected with a man over there, she can be jailed, beheaded, or hung. You know there ain't no black woman over there. You motherfuckers be hanging from trees like a Christmas one. With a sign that says she had to have the last word. Duck Dynasty was embroiled in controversy. Fuck, I'm going to take the words seriously of a man whose job it is every morning to get up and trick a duck. I don't care what he said. Freedom of speech means that somebody might say some shit you don't like. If you don't like it, fucking turn. I ain't got to watch Duck Dynasty. See, there's other bullshit I can watch. Matter of fact, I think the only people that should have any effect on the show are people who once watched it and now are so offended by what he said they can no longer enjoy it. Like if you're a gay black duck hunter. Like you're walking around the woods with camouflage Uggs on going up. He actually said about black people they were much happier before they had civil rights. I never heard them complaining about white people at all. They were singing and dancing. Motherfucker, 'cause they didn't want to die. That wasn't happiness. That was fucking fear. I don't know. Women are always very inconsistent in the things they want. I want a good man, and I want a man who's honest with me, and who loves me, and just cherishes me, and listens to me, and... That motherfucker does not exist. And if he does exist, he's fucking another man. Let's just say that. What you got is me, goddammit. You got me. And if you did get that son of a bitch, you wanted so much, he would bore you to fucking death. That's the truth. And one thing a woman will not forgive you for is boring her. You could be a cheater, you could be a liar, you could have a drug problem, but you bore a woman. Fuck the son of a bitch! Ooh, I hope he die. I want him to die. He can come home, baby, I've been cheating on you. I feel so bad. I hope that bitch can put up with you 'cause I hate you. Oh, goddammit. Please die. Women are always trying to trick you into telling that. I know you've been cheating on me. Why don't you just tell the truth, and that way we can work on our relationship? Nope. 'Cause I trust my ability to lie more than your ability to forgive, so let the games begin. Where were you? What did I say I was? Your turn. Motherfuckers always trying to trick you. Like you in the bed, they pretend like they ain't watching you tap your coat in. One more number and that son of a bitch is in mind. Why do you take your phone in the shower with you? 'Cause I want to see if it's waterproof. Stay out of my goddam business. They give you head hard so you won't ask 'em again. You're . Fuck, are you a pencil sharpener? Stop when you smell smoke. This shit hurts. You said this is what you wanted, but now I'm bleeding, so it's not fun. I mean, you have to turn it from a simple game to an assault. I was just reading, you know, during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, that a woman who exercises vigorously four to five times a week can lower her chances of getting breast cancer by 30 to 40%. That's so fucking amazing. But I told that to a black woman, she said, "I don't want to sweat out my hair." That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. You know what really fuck up your hair? Kimo, that fuck up your goddamn hair. Don't you know we love you? We'd rather have you nappy and hair than silky and gone. You could be in the kitchen cooking
