Everybody, please, a big round of applause for Mr. Sam Morrell. Let's go! Thank you for coming out. All right. I haven't told any jokes yet. Don't get too excited. Come on. Got to be reasonable. I was trying to bring a girl back from a bar the other night, and she was like, I'd invite you over, but my place is kind of messy. And I was like, yeah, that's not really a deterrent at 3.30 in the morning. Like, I'm going to walk into her apartment and be like, absolutely not. I mean, maybe if you fold these sheets, we could talk, but without a duvet cover, I do not feel comfortable. Of course your place is a mess. If you're willing to have sex with me, I'm going to assume your whole fucking life is in shambles. I was talking to her girl for two hours, and I tried to kiss her. She pulled away. She was like, I have a boyfriend. And I said, oh, okay. Then she said, and even if I didn't have a boyfriend, I wouldn't really be interested in you. I was like, yeah, lady, I got it. Don't have to reject me and then reject me again. Message received. I'm pretty sure that's not how they do it in auditions. Like, yeah, you weren't right for the part. And even if you were, you're fucking disgusting. You should commit suicide right now. I was trying to bring a girl back from the bar recently. She asked if I was going to kill her. It's not a good feeling. Really, I'm not projecting what I'm trying to project on a first date. She's like, you're not going to kill me, are you? I was like, no. She's like, all right, let's go back to your place. That's your screening process for killers? That's who I'm going to slip up? The honor code, that's who I'm going to lose them? How bad a killer do you think I am? I was talking to a hot older woman at the bar and she kept saying, I could be your mother. I was like, I'm pretty sure you're not. My mom doesn't get hammered at dive bars on Mondays. Also, she's never made out with me. I think we're safe. Then we got back to my apartment. She was like, you need to clean your room. I was like, holy shit. Mom? One time I was having sex with a girl while we're having sex. She was like, I want you to fuck me like you're never going to see me again. And I was like, I was. I had a breakup with a girl. And I know that's pretty hard to believe because I seem so charming. But my ex-girlfriend I dated, she was a hoarder. I dated a hoarder. And she broke up with me. That stings extra hard. I'm like, the one thing she can get rid of, it hurts. She was always mad, you know? We broke up, she was mad, I didn't cry. She's like, you're not crying during this breakup, but you cry during that Magic Johnson documentary. That should show you how out of touch with reality she is, that she thinks she's in the same inspiration category. That's the greatest point guard that ever lived. That guy played in the all-star game with HIV. She would not fuck me when she had a headache, so. It just shows a lack of awareness on her part. And honestly, I worry. I do. Magic's a legend. Every endorsement, Converse, 7-Up, he never got Trojan, but I think he deserved to get it. No, if you were on the fence about wearing protection and you saw Magic Johnson's face in the box, you'd be like, we should definitely wear a Converse. There's a commercial, you're coming out of a blackout. You wake up next to a very regrettable one-night stand. You see a little picture of Magic's face in the box. You're like, oh, Magic, thanks for the assist. It's AIDS, but it's fun AIDS. That's why it works, guys. I'm a big basketball fan. I was bummed they fired Greg Anthony, the college basketball analyst. He solicited a prostitute, which you shouldn't do that, but I don't think you should lose your job. It's not like you're in a good place when you're paying for affection. I don't think anyone's ever been on the back pages at 4 a.m. like, everything is going according to plan. No, your life's going bad. I order food at 4 a.m. I'm like, this is a terrible decision. So I feel like ordering a human, that's like next level regret. I love food, but the risk people take for sex, you would never take for food, right? Even if every restaurant was closed and you were starving, you would never order a meal off Craigslist. Even if a prostitute showed up with food, I'd be like, oh, fuck you. I'm not touching that lasagna, though. I don't trust it. I want to see a health inspector's grade in that lasagna. Food helps everything. You can't be racist when you're eating good food. That's why I hate that terrorist group, Al Shabob. They sound fucking delicious. You can't be pure evil and yummy sounding. That's unacceptable. That's like if there was an Italian extremist group named the Marinara Boys. Al Shabob. That sounds like somebody had ordered drunk. Okay, let me get some of that Al Shabob. With like a side of Hamas. I hate the terrorists, guys. I hate them. I do. It's a pretty ballsy statement to make in Manhattan. Terrorists. I hate the terrorists. Some of you were looking at my eyebrows like, how much do you really hate the terrorists? I do. I hate them. I have a terrorist look, but I have like a very pale look. So it's kind of, I look more like the ghost of a terrorist. I look like one of the guys that came back to warn them, don't do it. You don't really get the virgins. You see that last week, they found the applications for Al-Qaeda. Did you see that? That's kind of weird. You have to apply to get in. There's some dude on the phone. He's like, dude, did you get in? He's like, I got fucking wait-listed. ISIS is my safety. I don't want to go ISIS. Terrorists and comedians, we have a lot in common. We both get bummed out when not enough people make it out to a gig. Right? I got to imagine they'd be like three people on a bus. I guess I'll do it. But honestly, I just thought a lot would be better than this. Food helps everything. You can't be racist when you're eating good food. Jews, we have bagels. I go to pick a bagel all the time. Yeah, great spot, right? It's a great name, too. Not every place lets you pick. I can't tell you how often I walk into a bagel where they just throw a bagel down. They're like, pumpernickel. Get the fuck out of here. I'm like, I wanted sesame. They're like, what do you think this is? Pick a bagel? It says, designate a bagel, Jew boy. Jew boy? Such anti-Semitism. Black people have soul food. Arabs have the halal, which is magical. You can't be racist when you're eating chicken over rice. You can be racist when you're digesting it, but not when you're eating it. It's too good. I'm eating that. I'm like, maybe 9-11 was an inside job. It's so good. That's why gays need their own cuisine. It'd be harder to be homophobic if you're like, dude, do you want to order in some gay? You'd be like, I don't know. That stuff tears my ass apart. The white sauce is good, though. I'll give you that. But otherwise, I know, guys. I was talking to a guy who told me gay sex isn't natural because it's not sex for the purpose of reproduction. And I was like, no sex I've ever had was for the purpose of reproduction. That sounds like sex that's gone horribly, horribly wrong. He was like, it's against nature. I said, I have fucked couch cushions, so. I'm in no position to judge anyone on what they do with their penis. He's like, yeah, but God did not intend a man, another man. I was like, I'm pretty sure the guy who manufactured my couch should not anticipate. Me having sex with it. There's a God. I hope it's a gay dude. I really do. I do. Just for how awkward it would be for those really homophobic people if they had to meet him. What if they got up to heaven and God is just like, I'm going to fuck all of you? They're like, I thought this was heaven. He's like, yeah, for me. For you guys, it sucks. We all have a little gay in us. I don't know if you know this. Every straight guy and we pee urinal to urinal, we look at the other one's dick. I hope that's true. Okay. I could be wrong, but if I'm wrong, I don't want to be right. I saw a bulldog on the street with a leather vest. My roommate was like, look at that gay fucking dog. Like it's a dog's choice to dress like that. You think his owner was like, it's time for your walk. And the dog's like, hold on. Let me get my assless chaps. That's how homophobic he is. I was in this video online. I was like, hey, did you see that video I was in? He's like, I think I saw that video on faggots.com. Why were you on faggots.com? Do we ever keep an inside joke going? It's not even funny, but your friend is laughing. So you're like, I'm going to keep doing this. My friend Dan helped me move. And I text him afterwards. I owe you a beer, but I accidentally put a joke. I accidentally put a J at the end. So I just texted him, I owe you a beach. It's not that funny. I enjoyed it. And he wrote back, you owe me too. And we had a good laugh and it was nice. It's not that funny, but we're not hurting anybody and we enjoyed it. That's how we say hello now. It's not, hey, do you want to hang out and play basketball? It's, hey, do you want to suck my penis? My ex-girlfriend did not see the humor in this joke at all. I texted my ex and I was like, do you want to suck my penis? She was like, excuse me. I was like, I meant to send that to someone else. My friend Dan. Who, now that we're on the subject, treats me better than you ever did, okay? So in the elevator the other day, this dad got on the elevator with three crying. Kids are all crying. And he just turned to me and he goes, ugh. Wear a condom. Okay, that's good advice from me. You should probably get your kids to stop crying. He's not going to be very useful at the parent-teacher conference. Like your son's been misbehaving. He's like, yeah, we meant to pull out. So that's kind of out of our hands now. I never wore a condom with my ex because she was on the pill Ambien. And I know, that's a sleeping pill for the back. I don't want anyone to miss out. It's a great joke. I ran into my biological father on the street and I told my friend. He was like, is your biological father a good person? And I said, if he were, I probably would not refer to him as my biological father. Most people just say dad. I look exactly like him. I show my friend a picture. He was like, wow, it's like you guys were separated at birth. We were. I like the cool dad growing up. Like my friend's dad would smoke weed with us. And I was like, this guy is cool. You know, now that I'm older, it turns out he is not cool. Turns out he's a grown man that did drugs with children. So, kind of the opposite. First time I met my biological father, he took me out to lunch. And the place he took me turned out to be a family-style restaurant. Which I think is kind of ironic. They should make broken family-style restaurants. You just walk in like, where's the waiter? I think this dude abandoned us or something. I don't know. They forget to come out and sing happy birthday. They're like, dude, we totally spaced. We'll make it up to you next year. All right? And another guy comes out. He's like, I don't work here. I'm just kind of fucking the owner. But, uh, I'll be your step waiter this evening. And, uh, I saw a dad in the coffee shop quizzing his son on dinosaurs. Every 30 seconds, he would hold up a picture of a dinosaur. And his son would be like, that's a stegosaurus. And the dad would say, good job, Stephen. Well done. Why are we quizzing kids on dinosaurs? I've never needed that knowledge, ever. It's never come in handy. It's never gotten me out of a jam. Never been driving drunk. Some cop pulls me over. He's like, what kind of dinosaur is this, dude? I'm like, a stegosaurus? He's like, step out of the vehicle. We should be quizzing kids on things they're going to need in life. This should be the quiz. He just holds up a photo of the same woman, but slightly different pictures. He's like, all right, Stephen. What's different? And the kid's like, her haircut? He's like, very good. It's going
