Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Cheeseburger' (2023) by Andrew Santino on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Leave Us Alone, Trump Is a Bully, and My Little Safety Net.

Andrew Santino

Cheeseburger

but I support women in what they want to do. I try to support women as much as I can in anything they want to do or anything they want to be because we all know that everyone with a brain goes, well, we should all be treated as equals. I support feminism in that world completely. Where it gets a little out of control is when feminism makes it a competition for no reason. I saw a shirt this girl was wearing.
It said, "Girls can do anything boys can do." And I was like, when? What? What world are you living in? That's such a dumb phrase. Girls can do anything boys can do. It's just, it's also a dumb phrase. If a guy has a shirt that says, "Guys can do anything girls can do." Also not true. What are you talking about? Dude, you guys, you make humans inside of your body. That's crazy. Nine months, probably the most grueling, excruciating, painful, insane, wild thing that humans do.
You do it. So leave us alone. What do you want? Leave us alone. You want to do these jobs? We can do what you do. You want to do? We don't want to do these fucking jobs. We did them for you. You don't want to do them either. You tricked us. You tricked us into doing them. Now you want them back? What's wrong with you? Thousands of years ago, we lived in caves. And you guys were like, go get the food.
And we were like, there's lions outside. And you guys were like, go get the food. Fine. We don't want to do these jobs. They're insane. Coal miner, huh? You want to get black lung? What the fuck are you talking about? You want to be a garbage man? That's insane. Picking up shit all day? What is wrong? You want to be an Alaskan crab boat fisherman? Is that what you want to do, girls? You want to lose your teeth and smoke menthols and most likely die at sea?
It's awfully convenient that you guys want to do all these gigs after we did them all already. They're done. We built all the shit. It's over. Look. Who the fuck do you think did this thing? You think a sorority threw this together? Come on, Alpha Phi. Brick by brick by brick by brick. Leave us alone. You're already mean to us anyway, right? And it's socially fun to be mean to guys because we're big dumb idiots.
I was at a gas station and this big truck pulled in a lifted truck with huge tires. And the girl at the pump next to me made eye contact with me and she goes, "Ugh." I knew exactly what she said in her head. Everybody in here knows, big truck, small dick. Oh, big car, you got a small little penis? Yeah, on your big truck, you small little penis? You compensating for something? Yeah, for the fact that he never had a big truck before and now he does.
You think men are deep? We're idiots. When we're little boys, we're like, "Oh, truck! Beep, beep, beep, beep, ahhh!" And then we get older and we have money and we're like, "I buy truck." We don't judge our purchases based on our genitalia, that's insane. We don't get out of the shower, look at our dick, and we're not like, "Oh, Jeep Grand Cherokee, cool!" We could never do that to you. You know how mad you'd be if we did that to you girls?
You'd lose your mind. If we equated those things, purchases, to your genitalia, if we have something like, "Is that a Louis Vuitton purse? Oh, you got a big clit? What's that? Is that a gushy-gushy? You got a sloppy gushy-gushy? Yeah." Leave us alone. But again, women deserve to be treated like equals, there's no doubt at all, you know? There is, it's not even an argument, you know? You're tough, you're hard to figure out.
My dad failed a bunch, he couldn't get through it, a bunch of women came and went. He couldn't figure it out, the poor guy, and now he's older, and he's trying to, you know, get his life back together again, and he's trying to teach me life lessons, you know? I think as they get older, they want to like impart something on you, like a piece of wisdom that they've learned. So he's like sneaking it in in weird ways.
He sent me a box of like old stuff, you know? And on top of it was Sonic the Hedgehog, and it was plugged into Sega Genesis, and I was like, "Oh my God, is this a message? Is he sending me a message? Is he saying, "Be a kid, slow down, have some fun, you're working too hard." So I did. I got stoned, I plugged it in, and I played Sonic for hours. And it was incredible. It was amazing. And at some point I might have been a little too high.
Because I was staring at Sonic, and I was like, "Oh my God. This goes deeper than I ever thought." I'm Sonic. Sonic is I. I am Sonic. Most men in here are Sonic, and you don't even know it. You run through life as fast as you can just to get to the end. That's the goal of the game. Get the coins. Give me the money. Get to the end. Give me the money. Get to the end. That's what most guys do. Just give me the money.
Let me get to the fucking end. That's the goal of the game. It's so twisted. You know? And the whole time, "Give me the money. Get to the end. Give me the money. Get to the end." What do you feel like in life at some point? You bump into these trolls, women, and all of your coins, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. And you're like, "Give me my coins!
No!" And you'll never get them back. but make no mistake i love shitting on biden but also shitting on trump that guy was a dumb fat piece of too that guy stinks guy was an idiot guy was a idiot he went after mexicans which i hated the most because i live in southern california i really really like mexicans okay don't with my browns man don't with my browns he went after mexicans and i didn't like it i hated it and he was like they're lazy criminals i was like lazy have you met any of these people if you haven't it's because they're working their third job that day and criminal it's like that one's true but i feel but i know my cleaning lady is stealing from us there's no doubt in my mind i'm always like maria those are your shoes you're a size 12 and jordan's those are yours so these are my shoes mr andrew these are my shoes the guy was crazy the guy is crazy he's also a dick he was mean as he was mean he was a bully he was a dickhead right and if you're gonna be mean you gotta be fun you know george bush was mean but he was it was kind of a little bobble head wobble about him he'd say crazy but if you followed up with something fun he'd be like we're gonna bomb the out of iraq we're like oh my god he'd be like now watch me hit this drive and we were all like yeah buy my rack i don't know what are you gonna do now trouble's just mean just mean build a wall so stupid i build a wall mean build a maze that's fun yeah i want him in here let's make him work for it a little bit you know a couple of turnarounds and go backs he said that in he said that in you know you know what i want at the border i want the american ninja warrior course at the border so bad yeah man you want citizenship you got to conquer mama doriyama live on fox i would love to do the post-game interviews that's what i'm gonna do the post-game interviews the wrap-ups when they fail just be like alejandro alejandro what happened what happened out there well andrew the first time i was here i couldn't do the warp wall i i fuck about the warp wall this time it was the salmon ladder i can't do the salmon ladder well you know you get three tries i know i'm gonna be back in october to shit up in the fall baby yes i was shocked trump lasted four years four years was wild to me four years and nobody nobody you know nobody nobody nobody nobody not once i'm not advocating for killing a president but we used to try we used to give it the old college go we got some of our best in a theater like this i mean we got one in the i went to the spot where jfk got shot i went there to dallas when i was on tour we stood on the x you can stand right where it happened and we looked up at the book depository and simultaneously we turned to each other and we were like it's a good shot it was far it was impressive The one thing that the older generation didn't really speak to us about was going to talk to somebody.
Therapy is great, and for some reason, it still has this, like, I don't want to tell anybody thing about it. I don't know why. I think it's incredible. I went and I spoke with someone, and it helped. It really did. And some of the things she said made some sense, you know. She had said this thing, and you can use this if you want. She said, you know what you got to do? You got to adopt happiness. When you see someone else having fun, go into it.
Don't get away from it. Go for it, right? It's going to, by some reason, get to you, and it'll hopefully help you get a little bit of happiness in your life, slowly but surely. I thought, I don't know. Maybe that works. Maybe it doesn't, you know. She said, or get a dog. And I was like, I'll get a dog. So I don't have to talk to people. And I love my dog, and she's incredible. She's also a little bit of a pervert.
I'm not going to lie. It's disgusting. She's so weird. Whenever we start hooking up, I can hear her collar jingling down the hallway like a prison guard with the keys when they know the boys are being bad, you know. Like, whenever we start hooking up, she'll start running to the room, and we have to close her out. But still, she's persistent. You'll hear her under the crack of the door, just... Like a detective.
It's twisted. The moment that we're done, the moment we're done hooking up, I'll open the door. The dog will come in the room, jump on the bed, and go right to the wet spot. And she's like, get her off the bed. And I'm like, let Scruff McGruff figure out the crime. Who done it, Scruff? Was it the ginger general with the lead pipe in the ballroom? Who did it? She's gross, but I love her. And a lot of times, she is my little safety net, honestly.
Like, if I'm having a tough day, I'll just take her for a long walk. It's great. She doesn't judge, doesn't give a shit. And I'll just say to her my problems. And she doesn't care. Once in a while, she'll throw me like a, oh, yeah, I don't fucking care. But it's nice. And one time, I was going through some shit. I was going through some shit. And I took her with me. And I went to this little hardware store near my house.
An old hardware store. A mom and pop shop, if you will, you know? It's one of these spots where nothing is in the place it's supposed to be. It smells like cut keys all the time. And no one's really working. You know? You can't find anything. I love it. It's great. So I took her with me. And she was acting really rambunctious. And you know if you have a dog, and they pull sometimes. And sometimes, you pull back.
Sometimes they pull hard. And sometimes, you snap it a little bit harder. It's not hurting them, but it does, ah, checks them a little bit. It gives them just a little, ah. You hit them. You hit them. Who's, come on, who's the adult here? Who's the big guy? And you're not hurting them. It hits them a little bit. They go right back. You hit them. They go right back to being happy. So I smoked her a few times.
She was getting out of control. And we're in one of these hardware stores, and the aisles are really tight and tiny. It's old, you know? And stuff looks like it's going to fall down on you above you. And all I'm doing is trying to find this stupid little washer. That's all I'm doing. And I'm hunting through all these little stupid bags. And she's acting rambunctious. So I wrap around my legs, and I'm holding her close.
And at the end of the aisle, I notice out of the corner of my eye, there's a girl there by herself. A handicapped girl. There's a handicapped girl at the end of the aisle with Down syndrome, and she's standing there by herself. And I can see her see the dog without seeing it. I know that she wants to say hi to the dog, but I'm just in one of those moods. I don't want to talk to anybody, right? It's nothing about her.
I just wanted to be alone. And I can hear her under her br