Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Carrot Top Rocks Las Vegas' (2003) by Carrot Top on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Carrot Top

Carrot Top Rocks Las Vegas

I want to be a cowboy. I'm going to be a cowboy, I'm born to be a cowboy, I want to be a cowboy, a cowboy! Hey can I get a record baby? Yeah why not? Let me get my stuff. Woah, woah, wait, wait, wait! No, no! How are you? Good evening Mr. Cop! Makeup, makeup, yo, your lips are too a little too shiny, a little flop, you're going to my life, you're a little shiny! Yeah, I love that! Anybody else losing money in the casino besides me?
I want to know if anybody... Okay, good. Holy shit, we're all losing! Is anybody winning? Is anybody winning money? That's what I... Okay, let's kick his ass right now! If you're supposed to look like you have money in your dudes, look like I do, put a chip top on the top of your bucket like that so you walk around, it looks like you won a whole bunch of damn dough. They don't have to know. I'm a winner!
Vegas is killing too, this is what Vegas looks like now, doesn't it? We're going to see that now! Does anybody get trampled though coming tonight? People just run over your ass, dude, they don't give a shit, do they? Hey! What am I? What? What are you doing? There's like three... I think two speeds of people. People that just got here, they're the ones that are still excited, running around, they've got money, they're like...
The people that have been here a couple days, you can always tell now... Do, do, do, do, do, do... Do, do, do, do, do... 22... Oh wait, is that gummer or a quarter? Wait a minute! I'm still in, dude! Hit me! Anybody lose money at the airport slots? That really ruined your day, doesn't it? You haven't gotten a cab, you're down 10 grand. Son of a bitch! I think that's where your luck starts in Vegas at the airport, if you don't get your damn luggage.
Doesn't that suck? You're like, where are my bags? Where are you going? Vegas. It's a gamble fucker, isn't it? You're like, here's my advice to you, put a map of the United States in your damn suitcase. Yeah, that way you feel more confident, don't you? You're like... At least when you give it to them, don't you? Where are you going? Vegas! Where do you want your bags to go? Right fucking there! I'm not going to mention the name of the airline that lost my bag too, because I'll get sued, but they fly south and they fly west.
That's all I'm going to tell you about. Yeah, why don't you just take the seats out? Lay down and shut up! Kyle's wearing flip-flops and shorts, I don't want to see that crap. I was on a Southwest plane, they painted like a whale. Have you ever seen that one? It's like Shamu or something? Do you want to be on that plane going over the ocean? Fuck no! No Shamu, don't you even think about it! You've got to get there like three days in advance too to get a boarding car like you're going to a concert or some shit, everyone's standing out there like cattle.
Are there any seats, love? I've been on Southwest, we get on last, you've got to look at the damn people. How about that row of seats, you look backwards? That's bullshit, so I made this, if you get that, you look at the back of a chair like everybody else. You just wear that son of a bitch. I don't want to be looking at you the whole flight. Are you going to eat that brownie, dude? Okay. There you go.
Oh man, look at that. Oh no, no, no, no. Oh! Can you believe that? Damn. Yeah, call housekeeping. Okay, I am swamped down here, okay? Okay, bye-bye. All right. Hi, checking in? You're asking me to be a comedian. It's not fun mailing your taxis in unless you do it like that. Hey, mailman, got one more. I don't have seat belts in my car because I just wear my mom's arm. That way I feel a lot safer when I'm driving.
Here's a lunch box for fat kids. Okay, mom, I'll see you at 3:30. There are people at the buffet here. All right. One trip, dude. You got it. And I made this too. Kids eat free at the buffet, so do like I do. Walk this little boy through and then fill his belly with bull-free shit. Take it back to your room at nighttime. All right, we got food. Timmy, cool. Let's do it. Here's a microphone for Whitney Houston.
I put a bong already on there. That way she can sing and get high. My pot-smokin' crowd. And... We'll always love... Where was I? Love you shit. I don't know. I got tons of... Here's a plate when you eat outside in the summer. I put shit over here so the flies will stay off your food. That way I can enjoy good. See, everybody's happy. You guys doing okay over there? Stay out of our shit. We'll stay in here, are you okay?
Here's my grandma's bra. I found that in the closet. No. But I did make one for Britney Spears. You never know what the hell's going on with her boobs. So these things come out like that. Yeah, what the hell? One video, they're a little thin, the next thing... You think they're real or fake? I'm like, "Real fake? Hello?" Hit me, baby, one more time. Every one of her videos always ends the same way.
They're like, "What the hell?" Oh, shit, there's more! She's serious! And here's underwear if you go to Michael Jackson's house for sleepovers. It can't get in your pants. See, I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you out. Oh, shit, sorry about that. Goddamn. I know, the whole crowd's like, "Holy shit, why don't you have a snack or something, dude?" Eat something, fucker. We can see you're back.
Christ. Hey, I'm Monica Lewinsky. If you know that, the spokesperson for Jenny Craig. Have you seen the new dinner? There's a zipper to get into it. Oh, boy. No, that's not right. That's definitely not right. What, did I go too far already? Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize. I want to show you. I'm not a crook. Shit. Plus, that would've been funny. I'm not a crook. I'm not a shit.
Clint would just walk up. "Good morning." I want... Oh, for crying out loud. I love my wife. I did not have sex with that woman. Shit. Okay, she blew me. That's not the point. I didn't fuck her. Damn it! Let's just think about... No! The American people... Get down! Daddy's working right now! Daddy's working right now! Hey, this is also fun. Walk around a Vietnamese restaurant like this. Corky? Corky!
Corky! I don't even care if you laugh. That is funny as shit. I love that one. Where's that little puppy? Come here! Next time you throw a frisbee around, just put a dog on it like that. That's always fun. When you're out throwing the dog in the frisbee... Oh, shit. Well, it's funnier outside, probably. Throwing it in the park. They're like, "Look at that dog! That's a good dog! Look at him!" Except he wouldn't come back, so I just put him on a boomerang.
See, that way you don't have to worry about chasing him. You're like, "Go deep, buddy! Go!" Holy shit, that was the fastest one yet! Damn! You did good! Yes! Let's go for the record this time! Oh, shit! Uh-oh. Walk it off! And this is fun, too. Go to the airport and check these integer bags the next time you fly. Well, it's funnier at the airport. I just like to have fun at the airport, because no one will laugh, you know?
When you walk up to the counter, they're always cranky. That'll be kind of funny. He's like, "How's it going?" "Pretty good." "Where are you going?" "Las Vegas? Do you have any bags?" "Yes, sir. I got two bags." I know, they never laugh. They're like, "Where are your bags?" He's like, "What are you checking in?" I'm like, "Hello?" He's like, "It's not funny." I'm like, "It's funny as shit. It's while you're mad.
Come on. Just trying to have a little fun, dude. Damn." Because it'd be funny if they came around the baggage lane. That'd be the big payoff. Sitting there with 200 people, tired of waiting for their bags, just hoping they'd come and all of a sudden those things came around. Who the hell would take the time to pack that shit? Unless you walk up like, "Oh my God, what'd they do to our damn bags?" People are like, "At least your bags made it."
You're like, "Yeah, because we put a map and X in the back of the damn thing." And then just walk out like that. If you ever want to sit by yourself on an airplane, here's what all you got to do. Just bring these little kids on like that. I've seen a whole plane get up and leave. "We're out of here. It's bullshit." I just think it looks funny sitting outside the gate smoking. Mm-mm. Grrr. Grrr. Grrr.
This one's mine right there. Yeah. Can't you tell? Then you find your seat in the plane. You start shoving them in the overhead bin. "Okay, 13. You guys be good now." The whole plane's like, "Sir, it's okay. They've seen the movie. They're okay." Plus, you're always allowed what? One carry-on bag. I always thought it'd be funny to carry a damn chainsaw bag on. It's one bag. I can't tell you no. It just looks funny.
I was just sitting in a Sears and I was like, "That is funny shit-looking. What can I do with that?" Guy's like, "It's a chainsaw bag." I'm like, "I know. Isn't that funny shit-looking?" He's like, "It's a chainsaw bag." I'm like, "Well, get over that part. There's something funny about that." Like, getting on the plane and laughing, they're all waiting to go. Just walk right down the aisle, real serious.
Like, "You want some more leg room, dude? Let me know. I can help you out with that." Plus, I did that on a Greyhound bus, though, and nothing. They're like, "Hey, is that that diesel model? Cool." I'm like, "Have you been on a Greyhound bus? Seriously? Holy shit." I feel like calling America's Most Wanted. I found everybody. Come get me, dude. Hurry. And this is my favorite joke, because you guys could do this.
Go to the airport and try to walk on the airplane with this. Hold the door. Run through the airport. Wait for me. One more pass. Or waiting on one of our passengers. I'm walking on the airplane. Sorry, I'm late. I was running. Why, sit down. I had a hard time checking the shit in, you know? Pack your own bags. But being on a payphone, there's a whole bunch of people waiting for it, going, "Yeah, dude.
I got the shit." I made the switch. Everything's good. Yeah, nobody knows. We're on our way. Hey, wait a minute. Wait. Shit. There's another joke right there. Damn. That'd actually be funnier. Walk up to the counter like that. Like, real serious. Like, we almost could get all our stuff in our backpack, but we had to pack one more lousy bag. You had to bring your earrings. Shit. Now I got to go on a baggage claim.
Go get the car. I'll go get the... Like, bring this on the airplane with you and wait till the guy next to you. He falls asleep and then wake him up. Wait till he's dead asleep. The whole plane wakes up. You're like, "Michael Jackson's our flight attendant. What's up? Want some peanuts? Our exits are located. Put your tray tables up." You're like, "Holy shit." That tray table thing? How many times, seriously?
"Put your tray table up. We're getting ready to land." "Okay, I'll get right on that." The pilot's trying to land the plane to put your tray table up. It's like, one of the engines just fell off. "Put your fucking tray table up." It's more important than anything. Like, the pilot's up there going, "What the hell's wrong with the damn thing?" "Oh, shit. Is somebody's tray table still down?" "Shit, we're losing her."
And the co-pilot's like, "You sure it's not a seatbelt?" "No, it's not a seatbelt." "See how it's shimmying like that?" "That's a damn tray table for sure." "Idiot." "Oh, it's gonna be fun. Walk around an airport like a drunk pilot." "Does anyone know where the hell gate 37 is?" "I'm trying to find my airplane." "It's painted like shimmy." "Son of a bitch, how do you lose a whale in a fucking airport?"
I always wanted to get on laughs and they're all sitting there and put your head right through there. "Okay, where does everybody wanna go?" "This is your captain's finger." "Listen, it's Casual Friday, don't freak out." "I'll take it from here, Stephanie." "It's Steven." "Whatever." "Now, we're scheduled to go to Phoenix this morning, but shit, we don't have to go to Phoenix." "Anybody wanna go to Vegas tonight instead?"
"We're gonna go to Veg