Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'Beautiful Dogs' (2023) by Shane Gillis on Comedy Buff. Transcript available.

Shane Gillis

Beautiful Dogs

Ladies and gentlemen! Thank you. Thank you. That was very nice. Nice. It's good to be here, dude. It's good to be downhill, Virginia. Downhill, Virginia, dude. Virginia's all right. I like it down here. It's nice. Yeah. It's all right. We travel a lot for this. We went to Australia this year. It was all right. Any time I go to another country, as soon as I get out of the airport and start, like, driving around, I'm just like...
Dude. This is your fucking country, dude? Other countries suck. America's number one, dude. It's not... It's not even close. It's official. I've been to like three other countries. It's official. And other countries hate it, too. They hate that we're number one. You ever tell 'em? You ever go to another country and tell 'em we're number one? Swim up to, like, a pool bar, just... You know, we're number one?
They hate it, dude. They try to bring up bullshit to bring us down. They're like, "What about all the mass shootings you guys have all the time?" It's like, "At least we're not gay." You know? There's really not a good comeback to that, 'cause it's a pretty serious problem. It's like, "At least we're not gay." You know? There's really not a good comeback to that, 'cause it's a pretty serious problem.
And we're the only country doing that. We're not making any adjustments. None. What, are we gonna give up our guns like a bunch of fucking gay guys? Yeah, right, dude. No, we're just gonna have shootings. All the time. Yeah! No, Australia's good. Australia might be number two. That's a good country, dude. Just a whole country doing nothing. That's what I like about them. They're just down there. Zero exports.
Creating nothing, dude. The only export I've seen come out of Australia is just that YouTube video of that guy punching that kangaroo in the face. Yeah. You know that video? That kangaroo holding that dog hostage out in the woods. Owner shows up, squares up with the kangaroo. No hesitation. Kangaroo knew it was a fight, too. Guy just walked in. If you've seen the video, you know how good that impression just...
Yes. Australia gave us that. Australia also gave us love on the spectrum. Love on the spectrum. Thank you, Australia. Incredible show. Truly, actually an incredible show. How did this show get made? That's an insane show. Only Australian could have come up with this. Only Australians would be like, "Alright." "You know how autistic people are extremely uncomfortable in social settings?" "Let's stick a camera in these fucking retards' faces once in a while."
"No, dude." "Dude." "Don't do that." "We're all gonna watch it, but don't do that." "Look at him trying to fuck." "No, Australia ruled." "I only had one negative experience while I was there, and it was, uh..." "I got bullied." "I got made fun of publicly by a goth." "They still have goths, dude." "Full on black trench coat, black eyeliner." "And he made fun of me." "I'll give him credit in his defense."
"The reason he was making fun of me is because I was wearing a bucket hat." "I had never done that before." "There were no black people on the island." "I was taking fashion chances the whole time." "That's the thing about these countries." "I was just in England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia." "No black people." "And I know what you're thinking." "No." "No, you need black people to keep the whites in check."
"The last thing you want is a whole island of whites that think they're the coolest people on earth." "It's a disaster." "That's how you end up with Conor McGregor's walking around like..." "It's like, shut up, dude." "The foreign whites are out of control." "American whites, we're humble." "We know we're not the coolest guys around." "It's the foreign whites, dude." "Yes!" "Yes!" "Preach, brother!"
"For real, though, there's a reason every good NBA player that's white is from another country." "The audacity to think you could play in that league, dude." "The fucking arrogance." "I think America saw Black Kid Dunk in, like, eighth grade and was just like, 'Oh, alright'." "There goes that dream." "I'll just set pics for the next four years." "Just box out hard as hell." "White people used to be cool in America."
"A long time ago, dude." "The height, the height of white people being cool was us going, we're like, 'Meh.'" "That was as cool as we got." "We're like, 'Meh, see? Ha-ha, meh.'" "And then the day white people stopped being cool, it was Jackie Robinson's first game." "You can look it up, dude. You can find it. You can find the radio call from that guy." "You can hear the exact moment white people stopped being cool."
"You can hear the announcers, they still got it, they're like, 'Meh.'" "Welcome to Chicago, where the White Sox take on the Brooklyn Dodgers." "And we all had cool, white nicknames." "Like, 'Up at the mound is old Curly.'" "He's a 47-year-old alcoholic, he's the greatest athlete alive." "Runs a six-second, 40-yard dash." "Fastest man alive, they say." "Then it happened, dude." "Then Jackie came up to the plate."
"You can hear the announcers, like, 'Meh.'" "Coming up to the plate is young Codbar from Brooklyn." "No way he can hit Curly's pitch." "Here comes the pitch." "Fuck, home run." "That was it, dude. Jackie hit the ball, so already knocked that voice out of all the whites." "Not one of us has talked like that since, dude. One swing of the bat, we're like, 'Meh.'" "Yeah, alright, yeah, that was pretty good.
That was good." "That was good." "It's time for us to focus on computers." "Anyway, I was in Australia." "I was in a bucket hat." "I was already self-conscious about the bucket hat." "Tried it on in the hotel." "Just looked like fucking John Candy." "I was with my friend. He's a good friend." "I was like, 'I look like a fucking dumbass, right?'" "He was like, 'Nah, dude, you look cool.'" "Also, who cares?
No one's gonna give a fuck." "I was like, 'Alright, fine.'" "As soon as we got outside of the hotel, somebody gave a fuck." "I got made fun of immediately." "It was the goth." "The goth." "I didn't even see him coming, dude." "He came out of the shadows, like they do." "This fucking guy." "I was standing and talking to my friend." "He was walking behind us on the sidewalk." "He walked behind me, took my hat off my head."
"Put it back down and patted me on the head." "I turned around, smiling at him." "Because I thought only a friend could have done this." "I was like..." "Dude, this guy kept walking." "He didn't even break stride." "He goes, 'Nice hat, fat son!'" "Destroyed me for no... I had no comeback." "I was just like, 'Yeah, right?'" "I was like that fucking kangaroo." "What was that about?" "That was six months ago."
"I've thought about that guy." "Every day." "Every day." "Every day." "I hate him." "I hate everything." "I hate that he's a goth from Australia." "It's like, you can't be that." "You can't be a goth from Australia." "You sound funny." "You can't be..." "You know what I mean?" "That guy can't go around, like, all day, I think about this." "It's like..." "It's like, shut up, dude." "I'm actually very dark and twisted."
"No, you're not." "No, you're not." "You're Australian, you sound funny." "Australian accent's one of those accents that's funny every single time." "You could be in the middle of a fucking tragedy if you heard an Australian accent, you'd still be like..." "You know what I mean?" "Like, if there was, like, an Australian guy in the office on 9/11..." "Oh, fuck, look out!" "Oh, no, there's another one, get down."
"Oh, fuck, it's hot up here, gonna have to jump out." "Yeah, I'm here!" "Nar!" "Huh?" "Alright." "That's a 9/11 joke, that's an applause break." "Bravo!" "Alright. I'll tell you this, on a more serious note, this is something I'm dealing with in my life. I just, I recently found out that the girl I'm dating, her ex is a Navy SEAL." "That sucks." "That sucks dick, dude, that's the worst ex of all time."
"I never even thought it, you wanna feel insecure as a man?" "That's the worst." "I never, never even thought of that one." "It's like, that could happen to me." "I spent my whole life thinking, black guy, worst case on this." "And by the way, I mean that with all due respect to the black community, dude." "For real, I wish people feared my dick like that." "I wish my dick struck fear into entire races."
"Nobody fears my dick, dude." "Nobody fears my dick." "Other than like women in parking garages, they--" "You get me in a parking garage all of a sudden, my dick's top of the food chain." "See me lurking behind a pillar in there, just..." "Just with a GameStop bag." "Nah, dude, Navy SEAL." "It's a tough one." "I do this thing, it's not a good thing, but whenever-- whenever I'm dating a girl, I always talk shit on her exes."
"It's not a good look, women don't respect it." "Kinda makes me look like a bitch." "I like it." "I can't stop doing it." "And normally it's easy, normally it's like, what's your ex do?" "He's a fucking substitute teacher." "It's weird, he wants to hang out with kids, like, that bad." "You know, like... "This one's tough." "This is a tough ex to make fun of." "It's when I'm walking around the apartment all day, just..."
"Fucking Navy SEALs." "They're kind of pussies, if you really think about it." "You know what I mean?" "Like, using night vision, sneaking up on guys." "That's a fucking coward's way to fight, dude." "You know who's actually brave? Al-Qaeda." "That takes courage and bravery." "Just in pajamas, throwing rocks at tanks." "Heroic shit, dude, just you and your boys going out." "In flip flops, you're all gonna get fucked up."
"No training." "Zero military training." "Dude, those guys, those dudes, they had fucking, they had one set of monkey bars." "That's what they all trained on." "And they were proud of the monkey bars, you remember that video?" "You've seen them using the monkey bars." "They filmed themselves using the monkey bars." "And then sent that tape out to the world like, not bad." "A buddy of mine watches like, uh, like death videos on the internet."
"I don't." "He watches them." "If we're hanging out, I'll watch. We watch. I watch." "I was over there at his place, we were watching. I don't know if you know this, the war in the Middle East is just on the internet." "The whole fucking thing. Every dude out there on both sides was wearing GoPros the entire time." "You can watch it." "We watched like three hours of the war in Iraq." "And after the first hour, I found myself starting to cheer, not cheer, but like, relate."
"I felt like I could relate more to the monkey bars guys." "You know what I mean? They were a little more my speed." "You ever wonder how you would do out there? Watch those guys." "Those are just normal fucking dudes." "Second shots are fired. There's no game plan." "Oh shit!" "Very relatable. Guns jamming." "Trying to fire a rocket, it goes straight fucking backwards." "They look like me, trying to fire a gun."
"Their feet move when they shoot." "Very relatable." "They also have never won. They got fucked up every single time." "Bad." "They would blow up like one truck every five months." "They'd be just as surprised as everybody." "Shit finally worked out." "You could hear it in their voice." "Someone would blow up, they'd be like, 'Oh! Oh, oh, oh!" "Yeah, dude, that's a human reaction. That's relatable."
"That's what I would do if I saw a fucking explosion." "I'd go, 'Oh!'" "That's human. You ever watch us kill people?" "I can't relate to that at all." "There's some Blackhawk helicopter with night vision." "He mows down like 40 people." "Pilot gets on, he just goes..." "Clear." "Just flies away." "It's like, 'Yo, that's a psycho. That guy didn't give a fuck about that." "At least ISIS is down there having fun, dancing afterwards."
"You know? It's like Ewok Village down there, you." "Also, I'm not, I'm not actually pro-ISIS." "Alright? It's just, a Navy SEAL did fuck my girlfriend." "And I am having a pretty tough time dealing with that." "It sucks, dud