Read the transcript for the stand-up comedy special 'Bad at the Good Times' (2014) by Dan St. Germain on Comedy Buff. Track transcripts ready: 13/13.

hey what's going on man is this chuckle nuts the fuck do you want you fuck shit eating piece of shit oh hey dude i probably got the wrong answer i'm fucking with you dude jesus i'm chip dixie i run the place i took it over after my uncle drowned how was your trip it was kind of rough took about seven hours part of the bus caught on fire awesome sounds good listen minor issue you're open or bailed so does that mean no worries though bud i got whoopie gold bot coming down here who's whoopie gold bot it's a guy dressed as a woman dressed as a robot dressed in blackface okay uh where's the green room green room's under construction but there's a van out back it's got a picture of the devil on it you know that is it go inside and uh sit on one of the seats that isn't wet and when it's time for you to go on i'll get one of the kitchen mexicans throw a rock at the door all right well i mean you know there's not all mexicans in there listen to me when you go on stage tonight keep it clean okay don't go fuck cunt pussy lipping shitting up the room and everything like that and then also nothing too smart that nick cannon shit goes over people's heads right okay so how are we doing uh attendance wise tonight with the two and a half people right now the fair killed us you know how it goes every year right but good news got a bunch of blue hairs from the sunnyville retirement home coming over just to give you a heads up though they're only coming because the red lobster next door ran out of snow crab legs and i told me you were terry bradshaw all right kid we're set i'm gonna go do a key bump with the guy from my arena fantasy football league just one more thing yeah have fun tonight please welcome dan saint germain what's up you fucking nerds i'm double fisting motherfucker 12-step style how are you guys doing waterfall what is that if i chug both these at the same time what is a waterfall you don't have the you don't have like the voice of somebody who would do that waterfall it's when you chug two beers at the same time after you binge on ira glass and fig newtons and think about why your dad doesn't fucking get you how are you doing what's your deal what's your deal what's your name christina what do you do for a living um i'm a casting associate oh you're casting all of a sudden have a great day ma'am if it was l.a you stopped crowd work then you're like oh did i just throw my headshot on you i'm sorry please i want to quit stand up anything to get me to quit this horrible profession that i've chosen what do you cast what shows do you cast what shows do you kiss um we do like top shreds america oh all all right well then go yourself i can't be on this i can't be on those fucking shows why don't we get the casting red from army wives in here that's i want to i want to do that show how about you what do you what do you do you're a stylist sweet why did did you just make fun of a gay person no you think this is good yeah really i like it where are you where are you stylists for then dead hooker quarterly i really love what you're doing with that dried blood on your belts um really compliments the autumnal hues of your eyes i used autumnal i'm on fire tonight i used it correctly sort of i think i don't know i don't know this is my demographic stormtrooper t-shirt over here yeah this guy gets so much fucking pussy what's your name dude anthony what do you do for a living okay what office it's gonna be it's gonna be like geico or some shit it's it's not like the cia it's fine oh what's bank of america that's right i fucking knew thank you but they sound like a bank do they like they sound like if like joe pesci and goodfellas made a bank it's a bank of america give me your money bank of america they're the worst i'm in bang america they're the fucking worst man you make some good bread right i don't know why i said bread what am i sammy davis jr what's going on right now where are you from originally the valley cool and who's your friends is your it's your brother right um what are you still in like college you're still in high school you're still in high school what nationality are you you're mexican okay i thought you're something else i don't know why this is taking a very racist turn i thought you were different that's what i thought that's good um i like you guys my cut i got a lot of i'm from jersey i got a lot of people that uh are like a like a lot of my family members like you know think they're italian you know and a lot of my i got a lot of friends in jersey who are who are italian and they'll be like oh the sopranos was racist towards italians i'm like you can't be racist towards italians okay no one's been pulled over for being italian and if you were pulled over for being italian you were being too fucking italian way off the godfather themed car horn you fucking embarrassment I grew up near Newark, New Jersey.
I don't know if anyone here has ever been to Newark, New Jersey. But if New York City's the city that never sleeps, Newark, New Jersey's the city that watches you sleep. That's the big difference. I went home recently. Big news, everybody. My sister came out of the closet. Yeah, she sat me down. She goes, Dan, I'm gay. I said, congratulations, that's a big deal. Now let's go back to watching the TV.
And then she said, you're not making this important enough of a moment for me. So I'm like, ugh. Get out of my house, queer! Start reading your Bible. Do your boobies stop lagging boobies. I don't know how to be homophobic. I got my dick sucked by a guy in college. But by far the gayest thing that I've ever done was acting Joseph and the amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in high school. Far gayer. What's gayer to you guys?
Don't tell anybody I want to run for Congress someday. Or, Joseph's coat annoyed his brothers. But what makes him mad are the things that Joseph tells us of the dreams he often has. Second one's gayer. And my grandpa is starting to see ghosts, but he's not scared of them. He's annoyed that none of them will talk to him. That's how annoying my grandpa is. He's the first alive person to haunt ghosts.
Go to the kitchen with chains going, and my grandpa comes in with his crosswords, and he's like, what's another word for wagon? And they're like, kill us again, kill us again. We went home to celebrate my grandpa's 82nd birthday. We sat down. We helped him open presents. About halfway through, he goes, this is the year. This is the year I die, I swear to God. And my mom, without missing a beat, goes, you say that every year, and it doesn't happen, and we all get disappointed.
I think my mom is the reason that I'm so screwed up sexually. My mom used to walk around the house with no bra on, and her titties would just kind of jingle jangle, and I told her mom, we've got to start wearing a bra, it's gross, and she said, you know what the problem with you is? You're not comfortable with your body. So I got home the next day, and I went to my sister's room, and my sister was completely naked.
And then my naked sister chased me into my mom's room, who was also naked, and then they chased me into my dad's office, who was naked, and they got me down on the floor and tickled me. Here's my question. Was I molested? I don't know. I don't know. Wasn't for me. - Yeah. I'm a big country music fan. I love country music. But sometimes country music gets you to sing along with shit that you're morally opposed to.
It's like, woke up this morning feeling fine. Gonna climb me a mountain as long as those blacks use a different water fountain. You're like, wait a second, what the fuck was that? That was not what I signed up for. My favorite song is the Beatles' Hey Jude. I love that song. If you guys didn't know, it was written about Julian Lennon, John Lennon's son, and the emotional turmoil he felt throughout John Lennon's divorce from his mother, Cynthia.
Now, the awkward thing about it is that it was written by Paul McCartney, which must have been the most uncomfortable day at the recording studio. Hey, John, I got us a new song. Oh, brilliant, Paul. What's it about? Well, you know how you're tearing your family apart? It's about that. But don't worry. All the times you cheated, I just said na-na-na-na-na over it, so we're fine. I like rap. I like rap.
I like rock. I don't like rap and rock together. Here's why. Rappers never listen to what the rock song's about before they start rapping. I don't know if you've ever heard Maroon 5's Payphone. It's a breakup song, and the chorus is, all these fairy tales are full of shit. One more stupid love song, I'll be sick. Obviously, the guy's very broken up. But then out of nowhere, Wiz Khalifa comes in, and he just goes, No, fuck that shit.
I'll be counting money. Fuck you, Wiz Khalifa. That shit happened in real life? Wiz, my girlfriend left me. I don't know what I'm gonna do. She was my earth, my moon, my stars. Do you have any advice? Yeah, man. I'm rich as fuck! My rims have rims. I'm gonna buy my goldfish an iPad and a ship in the shape of a pussy. Now get out of here before I sick my army of monocats on you. Those are cats I've trained to wear monocles.
They are ferocious and adorable. I know black people are better dancers than white people, but there is no happier dancer than a white person at a Mumford & Sons concert. I don't know if you've ever seen it. It's like the hobbit celebrating at the end of Lord of the Rings. As they kick their feet up, new herbal essence flavors are born. I actually used to write jokes for musicians. You know who my favorite musician to write jokes for was, guys?
None of them. They're all pieces of shit. And I was always nervous that I would write for somebody that I had respected when I was growing up, and they would just turn out to be the worst person known to man. Like a complete piece of shit. Like I was gonna be a fly on the wall of James Taylor's recording studio, and it was just gonna be a nightmare of a human being. Like he was gonna start out with, whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself because I love you.
Yes, it's true, babe. James, can we take that from the top? The bass line's a little off. Goddammit, Ricky! I haven't had a Percocet in an hour and a half. I'm starting to see visions of that church fire again. Can we hurry this the fuck up? All right, James, take it from the top. Why do you tell me that I'm doing wrong today? Whenever I see you, smile at me. James from the top. You gook motherfucker!
James, I'm Albanian. James Taylor doesn't need to know the proper ethnic slur for Albanian. If you keep talking shit, I'm gonna rig your plane to crash like I did Aaliyah's. Me and David Crosby got a date with a chick from That's So Raven. We're gonna take her to the parking lot of an IHOP and rotisserie her. Do you know what getting rotisserie'd means? No, James, I don't want it. It means getting fucked in the mouth hole and the butthole at the same time.
If I don't get there first, then Crosby's calling dibs on the butthole. And you know how much sweet baby James loves that sweet, sweet butthole. Fire and rain, the Holocaust never happened. JonBenet was attractive. Thank God you guys went that way with it. Because there are two ways to go. My favorite musician of all time is Bruce Springsteen. Bruce is so great that he's able to go on these crazy tangents in between songs and they'll agree with it and love it.
Where it's like, I woke up this morning! Everyone's like, yeah! I said I woke up this morning! Yeah! I put on my hat! Yeah! I put on my shoes! Yeah! I got in a car! Yeah! I hit a girl and I drove away! Woo! There's a snake in the center of the world with the power to read our thoughts! Yeah! Sometimes I take croutons out of myself, go to a cozy and pretend I'm a salad! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
However I die, people are just going to assume it's suicide. I really think... Like, I got to be found with a gunshot wound in my chest and my wallet missing, and my 