Watch or listen to the stand-up comedy special 'All by Myself' (2010) by Brian Regan on Comedy Buff. Transcript available. Tracks include: Brian Regan - All By Myself (4. Pirates & Pilots).

Brian Regan

All by Myself

I don't know. This world is changing too fast for me. There's pirates in the world again. Pirates? I thought pirates went extinct like 400 years ago. They're all over the place. I was watching the news and they said a spokesperson for the pirates was going to speak at a podium with microphones. What is a guy going to come out in a suit and tell you, how you doing folks? I don't have time for questions and answers.
I do have a prepared statement. This comes directly from the pirates. They can't speak for themselves. You got to watch out for those pirates. They're up to no good. Remember not too long ago, they captured one of our ships and held one of our ship captains hostage. They held them on a lifeboat. It was just our ship captain and three pirates. And then all of a sudden, there were no pirates. And I underscore all of a sudden.
I can't imagine what that was like for that captain. So anyway, if that happened to me, I don't think I would be able to talk about anything else ever for the rest of my life. How could anything else ever bubble into your consciousness after that experience? even 20 years now, you want to play some ping pong? No, but that reminds me once I was bobbing in a lifeboat when all of a sudden, everyone's head exploded, except for mine.
what else are you going to chit chat about? But they got them back, you know, that was good news. I love good news when it happens. They just celebrated the one year anniversary of Captain Sullenberger landing the plane safely in the Hudson River. Saving everybody. That was cool, man. He's a hero. Beautiful story. He's a hero, but he's not allowed to think that he's a hero. That's one of the rules about heroes.
They have to ask you if you think you're a hero. And you have to say no. And everything's okay. You think you're a hero? No. You have to look up into the left for some reason. You get disqualified if you think you are for some reason. I think it would be okay if he admitted it. It's kind of obvious. Captain Sullenberger, do you think you're a hero? Yes. Yes. Did you see the footage of that plane coming in?
Do you have any idea how hard that was? Keeping the wings level and the nose up? Survivable speed? Hero. I'm a heroic hero hero. I'm going to get a cape. Sully man! I remember watching the news that night when he landed the plane in the water. And they showed the footage of the plane in the water with all the people standing on the wings. They go back into the newsroom and one of the news anchors said, Can you imagine a better ending to this story?
Um, landing in Charlotte? With luggage and dry socks? squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish when you really weigh the outcomes when you i'm afraid to turn my tv set on turning tv on recently there was a little boy in a weather balloon going across the sky he was never in there thankfully he was okay the whole time but they did the family did interviews and they were kind of pressuring the little boy to lie about it you know nobody should lie especially a little kid and he didn't know how to do it every time he tried to lie on camera he threw up i'm not making that up oh no i was just hiding in the rafters honey i'm gonna clean him up a little bit okay that's not good because if you are the type of person who wants to incorporate lying later in life you're gonna need to get a handle on that where were you last night honey ah just out with the boys we were shooting pool until about four well sir i think that is a legitimate tax deduction leave that little boy alone man it's a beautiful kid let him be a kid I'm trying to get smarter in this world.
You know, I'm always, like, looking for historical markers out on the road, and sometimes airports have exhibits where you can learn things. I was in an airport recently, and I saw an exhibit for what I assumed was for the Shoshone Native American tribe. So I walked up there, and I was like, I want to learn about Native Americans. And the guy said, Here at the shoeshine stand? Well, wherever. Hey, here's a joke I don't have a place for.
You'll understand why when you hear it. Did you know if you were to second-guess your decision to book time to visit a Native American community, that would be a reservation, reservation, reservation. Where are you going to put that joke? Put it right there. Put it right there. So I was watching an old black-and-white Western, and they showed cowboys and Indians shooting each other off horses, and I was struck by how the cowboys and Indians were depicted when they were shot and killed.
The cowboys would go, And the Indians, for some reason, go, And I look, I know we live differently, but can't we die the same? That's how they die in their culture. So, in the movie, they showed Native Americans communicating with smoke signals, which is fascinating to me. And I couldn't help but wonder if this sentence was ever communicated through smoke signals. Little Feather is feeling uncharacteristically melancholy.
Probably not. If you're using smoke, you want to get to the point. We hunt bear. Big bear. Very big. Actually, huge is a better description. Now that I think about it, Gargantuan better captures the enormity and magnitude of this bear. Gotta go. Running out of logs. I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Brian Rieger! Alright. Thank you. Wow. You guys are nice, thank you. Hey! Alright!
Thank you very, very much! Wow. You're going to make me weep! That's very, very kind. Thank you. I don't know if you know, but we are recording a live CD tonight. I didn't even know. I just walked in the back. They told me. I'm like, "Okay." No, since we're doing a CD, I thought I'd try to do something just to get things started. I've been working on this. I haven't been able to perfect it, but I'll give it a shot.
I want to start the CD by doing a double backflip and landing on my pinky and balancing myself. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. Here we go. Ready? Let's do it. Let's do it! Let's do it! Yeah! Wow! Alright. Alright, I can't hold it anymore. Back on your feet. Okay. Alright. Woo! Thank you folks. I actually hurt myself doing that version. That's what kind of shape I'm in. I don't know about you, but I'm getting to that age where my body's starting to crumble.
I'm not making this up, but like if something breaks on me, it just kind of stays that way, you know? Oh, my hip hurts. I guess forever. Bang my knee. Guess I'll get used to that pain. How you doing, Brian? Not so good anymore. Hurting all the time now. I wake up in the morning. Oh, that's right. I hurt. I forgot for a 15th of a second. Nobody seems to care. I told my doctor, my hip hurts. He's like, yeah.
Just making small talk, I guess. Oh, thanks for coming in today. You're welcome. Hobble out. Thanks for coming in an hour and a half late. Was there a purpose to this visit? Apparently, the sign of a good doctor is not being able to get an appointment with a guy. Oh, he's a great doctor. You can't even get in to see him. He's an amazing doctor. Some people wait six months to see him. Yes, but I'm bleeding profusely today.
Do you know any so-so doctors? With bandages and such? Who can deal with blood spurting outwardly from vital organs on the day that is this? And how's he good for me? Explain that? Yeah. But when your body starts crumbling, it's cool to be married, you know, because your spouse knows everything about you. They just roll with it. I don't know how you would incorporate the weird physical stuff into a dating rap.
How would you slip that stuff in? I'm glad I don't even have to try, you know. Hey, how you doing? I was wondering if you might want to go out on a picnic this afternoon. There's a park on the outside of town. It's beautiful out there. If you don't mind, we could stop at my pharmacy and pick up some pills, because apparently I urinate too frequently. And if we have a little time on our way back, maybe we could stop and get a couple of moles frozen off my calf.
I don't know. I don't know about you, but my memory is starting to, uh, fall away in some ways. I'm not making this up. Every once in a while, the microwave will ding. And I'll have no idea what's in there. What kind of short-term memory problem is that? Ding! Ah! Macaroni and cheese! And I like that! I like checking the mystery box. How come I can only remember parts of things? How come when someone's coming toward you and you're trying to remember their name, why does the back of your brain turn into a game of Wheel of Fortune?
There's a J and a C. good luck hey hey how you doing everybody named CJ you know you know a lot of people's last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors that's true just in my neighborhood right across the street live the cooks right next door to us live the tailors cat a corner from us live the elephant dung shovelers I'm not good with communication. I just received my first text message the other day.
I'm not part of that world. I didn't know what it was. I'd heard of them, but I never got one. My cell phone made a noise that I never made before. I was like, bling! It said, you have a text message. Whoa. I don't even know what to do. I was like, come in, text message! Text message! Come in! Do you read me? My wife had to show me how to read a text message. My first one ever. I was all excited. I opened it up and it said, Yo, yo, we clubbing tonight?
Grandma? My first text message of my whole life was a wrong number. That's true. And I wanted to be polite and let that person know that it was a wrong number. So my wife had to show me how to write one back. So I wrote back, To whom it may concern. I am not Mr. Yoyo, I am sending you this notification as a courtesy to alert you to the fact As a courtesy to alert you to the fact that you have not reached the individual With whom you wish to communicate.
Good luck in all of your future endeavors and Godspeed. Hey, you guys are fantastic, man. Thank you for making me feel so welcome here tonight. Thank you. Brian! Aplausos I don't know. Everything's going away. I don't hear very well anymore, but that's my own fault. I had firecrackers blow off in my ear on 4th of July a couple years ago. Pretty stupid. Not in my ear. Just realized what that sounded like.
Okay. Hey, light it. See what happens. You never know until you try. Come on. Let's see what happens. It wasn't quite that stupid. It was pretty close to that stupid. I don't know why I'm defending. I'm not that dumb. It blew up here, not in there. Can you imagine firecracker blowing off in your ear? No, this is like an inch away from my ear. What the hell? Anyway, I was going to throw a firecracker.
True story. I looked at it and I was like, well, that's silly to just throw one at a time. They bundle them all together. Get the whole thing moving. Good lesson for the kids. Watch what daddy's attempting. I told my friend, I said, you light them and when they're lit, yell now and I'll throw them. So I was like this and I hear, okay. I didn't hear now and I didn't hear anything for about six months.
Except the phone ringing every now and then. Is somebody going to get that? Somebody going to get that? Why does daddy say that all the time now? Somebody going to get that? Is somebody going to get that? I can't hear anything. If I'm watching a movie with my wife, I'm like that guy in that commercial. Oh, what did he say? So, so my wife said I should get my hearing checked. So we went to a place to do that.
They put me in a booth with headphones on. There's a glass partition. My wife and the hearing technician are on the other side of the glass. The guy through the headphone says, you're going to hear words electronically through the headphones. When you hear a word, let us know what word that is. And that's how we can check your hearing. Ready to go? Yeah. All right, here we go. Here's the first word.
I